Stress

May has been complicated. Expecting things to ease up at the end of the semester was a bit of a mistake. It obviously didn't, and both Master and i have been on edge because we're moving. Not really where we want to, but it's a step up from where we are, despite the location.

my anxiety levels have been out of control. i continue to feel anxious, on edge and frustrated. And the heat doesn't help either. See, Master and i have gotten spoiled by having a wonderful air conditioner...and despite our move being a step up, the little place doesn't have an air conditioner. So, despite the heat, we've resisted the urge to flip the switch and learn to deal with the heat while we pack our items for the big move.

Having most of our goods packed already has been difficult. When opportunities arise, knowing that most of our toys have already been packed is like a blow to the gut. Takes the wind out of (at least, in my case) the sails. Lusting for things that are packed tidily away. Phooey.

Soon, soon.

Complicated/Coexisting

So. School is over. But, somehow or another things aren't as calm and centered as i hoped. i haven't spent a day caged or chained, at His mercy while He takes care of the "real world" confining me to being His object, something unimportant in His life.

And while i'm grateful for His understanding, His patience and acceptance of my wants and needs, i am also hoping that the day that He yanks me out of reality will happen soon.

An interesting thing has come about in my slavery. i think i'm a better functioning person, i have more self-value. i'm a better partner. i'm a better parent. But i'm also none of those things - i am not a person, i am property, an object. In ten years, the conflict that i perceived has come to coexist. That's not exactly right -- there isn't a conflict, i just thought there would be.

Sure, sometimes i don't feel balanced. Master is perceptive of that, and while not generally happy that i can't always quash those feelings and just be the object He owns, He gives me the time i need. But those fragments of me, they aren't fragments anymore, they are components of the whole, components of my identity, and i need all of them to be satisfied with all of it.

i am a better person than i was when Master took me as His. But i know He didn't make me better for my sake, it wasn't out of some noble purpose. Master made me better because it's what He wants from me. Ideally, i'd spend far more time at His mercy and hurting then we are capable of forcing into the few hours we have, but He wanted me to have greater self-value and yet no self-value.

So, soon, i hope, we can find a bit of time for me to sink all the way to the worthless part of me, the part that delights in the isolation, pain, the object, the thoughtless property...

i'm ready for it.....

Something clever...

There's never enough time. Lately, it's been interesting around here. Master's been very cool, laid back and patient with me as my semester winds down to an end. i get wound up about what i'm not doing, and He just looks at me with those piercing eyes of His and says "If I'm not giving you a hard time about it, you don't need to be on your own case about it."

This morning actually worked out quite lovely. Master grabbed the clover clamps, purple duct tape, the replacement evil white spoon, some rope and GiGi (the very first Lelo purchase ever, btw, and it kicks ass) and we sought a bit of privacy.

The mingling of sadist and masochist, the delight of the intimacy of being laid bare beneath the power of my Master... Moments all too long in coming. The relief of pain and its focusing power have grounded me again. The delight of multiple orgasms intertwined, the satisfaction of feeling His pleasure upon my skin... All of it made me feel secure despite the many things that need doing before the end of this spring semester...

And then...months of being purely property. i cannot wait.