One Third Married

Master and i have known each other for a long time. We were, as i believe we've mentioned (or argue over - we can't agree on what year we met!), childhood sweethearts. We have known each other more than half of our lives; closer to over two-thirds of our lives, actually. It's insane, and according to more than one person we've talked to, practically unheard of. People gasp when they ask how many years we've celebrated when we mention our anniversary. We laugh. We look at each other like newlyweds. A friend of ours recently commented that they really appreciate the "puppy-love" we have in our relationship, that sense of closeness and cuteness that couples newly in-love celebrate.

Looking back, having passed one-third of our lives together married (and approaching the 13th year of our kinkiness!), i realize exactly how fortunate i have been to find my soul-mate so early in my life and find that despite the different roads we took to come back together, we evolved together, our souls spun in such a way that they are a perfect fit, and as they continue to grow together and evolve together, i am grateful for all of our "sames" and "differents." i am grateful that our branches grow ever more entwined and tangled in each other, supporting the other, and all the needs of the other, while receiving the same support.

We compliment each other in the best ways, and i will forever appreciate His strength, the connection He gives me to a life full of love and blessings. His solidarity, in times where i flounder and grieve, keep me connected and aware of His love. His ability to pull away and seem cold-hearted, too, is something i treasure - those moments in which i can fall happily, helplessly, into the hands of a sadist who appears to be without mercy...(That might be my favorite. ;) At least, sometimes it is.)

All of it, i love. And i look forward, gratefully, to more years to find myself further entangled in His arms, His ropes, His leather, His love.

A funny little note: the friend is kink-curious...

But i'm not sure we've mentioned puppy play around him... 

Yet...

Fluid

The stagnation of our previous home has really become obvious in the almost month we've been in our new location. It's amusing, in a horrific sort of way, looking back, on how much we'd become . . . accustomed, i guess . . . to not having our needs met. But here, now, in the brief time we have been here, we've reconnected in a very deep way. i think (or at least if feels as if) we've had more sex in the last 20 some odd days than we had over the entire summer of 2011. Our relationship is more fluid, more full of life and vivacious once again.

Of course, here has its own new challenges, the balance of activity outside and inside our relationship, for example. We are much closer to people who truly share Master's interests, enabling Him to spend more time fulfilling those needs that i can't always live up to. i'm delighted, of course, but this also sometimes leaves me feeling a bit lonely. But, there have been more amazing moments of closeness, of fun, of sex, of silliness. i've been feeling more playful again, more likely to spark a moment of fun between us. The only unfortunate thing is, we no longer have a real place to store our toys, so they are still living in totes, which makes it an adventure in the dark, when i ask Master if He'd be willing to torture, tease or play with a particular toy, or if He's got a sudden craving to use a particular toy on me... Standing over the totes with the midnight light, moving the smaller totes and boxes, looking for the thing that has inevitably slid to the bottom of the 10 gallon tote that is, of course, on the bottom of the stack of toy totes.

Regardless, the massive amount of sex is revving my engine, and i am very much looking forward to our little getaway to a proverbial island of adult fun on July 13, 14 & 15. We are so excited to return to Thunder In the Mountains. (Plus, i read something about a "Puppy Pit" in addition to the Pony Track at the play party!! Hehehe!)

Awesomeness and suckage

Whew! What a wild, wild ride. We're slowly unpacking only what we need to unpack. We're debating on where we ultimately want to be, although the spot we landed in (at literally the last possible moment) is pretty flippin' awesome - other than the fact that we have no AC or ceiling fans. 

Throughout the move, i did my best to keep up with Master, plugging away, trying to haul in box for box, at least, if i couldn't manage the few pieces of furniture we did bring with us. We're not on the third floor or anything, but a half-flight to our front door, which is alright. But there is a full flight inside - we scored a pretty awesome little town home style apartment. So my knee, long damaged from my gracelessness and pavement, is adjusting. i digress, though. In the midst of the move, i did not drink enough fluids. i let myself get way too hot, way too stressed out, and wound up with a case of heat exhaustion. Master took pity on me and told me to take it easy. So on the days i felt pretty good, i'd do a little organizing, try and improve some of the flaws (like lack of curtains).

And Master and i had lots of awesome sex the first week we were here. i think we nailed 8 days in a row, technically speaking, though a lot of our toys weren't accessible, so it was very verbal, but very awesome and so, so sexy.

But then, i felt miserable; my core hurt, my legs hurt, my knees hurt, my head was throbbing, and despite the fact that it was around 90 degrees or better, and i was wearing as little clothing as possible - i got goosebumps and was reaching for a fleece blanket. Master didn't like it.

Another step forward.

Early this month, i completed a journey. Roughly 2 years ago, Master allowed me to return to college, and this time, i actually finished the program i set out to complete. Er. Well, an equivalent program, anyway. (i returned to be a nurse, but frankly, i wouldn't trust me with a needle, and daymares of what i must have looked like in the OR as a patient made me change my mind.) Regardless, i walked across the stage, took that little piece of paper, and as soon as i saw Master, put it in His hands. It was something i worked hard at, for Him, because it was something He allowed me to do for me. His GPA continues to outshine my own, but i came close!!

And while that is done, we are scrambling, desperate to relocate. While i have loved the region in which we live, Master has not been as fond of it, and it is time for a change. We have both been seeking new opportunities in the region we'd rather be, and continue to look for housing. Ultimately, we're very picky. We've been spoiled by the opportunity to rent a full blown house with a full blown yard (cheaply!), and looking at returning to apartment buildings is...well...(sigh). We're determined to make the relocation happen though.

So among the boxes, the house hunting, the barely-still-a-toddler with teenage ideas and behavior, we're still here. Still  squeezing in kinky things. Still stressed out. But moving forward, step by step.

(bleep)

 *sigh*
Master and i don't want this to be a negatively filled space. But...things are...challenging at the moment. There's the daily frustration of tedious and annoying issues that face every family. Our kiddo is a ball of bouncing energy, who is far to smart for his own good (or ours). Extended family struggles. The economy continues to take its toll. There is an open door, or window, depending on one's perspective, but right now, it's really hard for Master and me to remain positive. If one of us is managing to claw our way out from under the dark clouds, then the other is sufficiently dampened by said clouds. The most likely event is that we're both standing underneath the storm on opposite sides. Together, but not close enough for us to dispel the low feelings we share.

We desperately need time together, but there's a level of hustle and bustle that keeps that from happening on a significant level...And despite Master and i making a show in the (semi) local scene in February, we didn't make it in March, nor does it look like April will happen for us either.

i'm wound up and stressed. And i keep sticking my (bleep) foot in my mouth.

i've very nearly got my AA in Master's hands, and that alone has created a bit of hurt in my heart. i keep my head down, do what needs doing, and  am not as student as good as Master was. But i somehow keep getting attention. Good attention. But i don't want it. i just want to do what i need to do and go home. But Master says "I'm proud of you. I want you to do this." So i do it, because i was told to. So why did they not give Master the same attention while He was there? Why do they lavish all of this unwanted attention on me? i don't like it. i really don't.

And then i say stupid things to Master.

And so i say (bleep) repeatedly, and am going to go have a cry.

Ugh

The last few weeks have been kinda hard. Master and i played hard together when we re-entered the public scene, and then after that, life happened. Life got in the way. Life did it's thing. And Master and i dropped.

In some ways, we still kind of are. We're stressed about some big changes coming up in our little corner of the world (and excited, hopeful and experiencing trepidation), and we haven't had a chance to connect like we really want to. Because life keeps getting in the way, we're both a bit touchy about everything. It's hard.

And we're desperate for a chance to relax and connect on that primal level we love so much.

---
Don't forget, March is Q&A month - if you leave a comment for us here on any recent posts, send it via formspring (Master's formspring box is on the bottom left of this page) or drop us notes on FetLife, we'll answer them here on the blog.

Make Merry...

...for it is the holiday season!

my semester has ended, and while life won't be topsy-turvy busy because of school, we're still swamped with things to do. Thankfully, Master and i have had a few significant chances to get in some much needed time to connect as Sadist and masochist, Owner and property. There are pictures over on His FetLife page, if you want to see. ☺

i'm feeling somewhat better, less depressed, less taken by my grief, more myself. Which is nice. On Christmas day, i'm sure i'll cry, missing those who aren't with us this year, but i am looking forward to sharing the holiday with Master, as i have for the last 11 years.

But beyond Solstice, Christmas and the birthdays that fall in between and after, i'm really hoping that Master and i might come up with one or two days that will belong solely to us -- er, Him -- in which Master can do all of the things He wants, whims uninterrupted by everything else. We hope.

Meanwhile, from us to you, Happy holidays. Blessed Yule. Happy Solstice. Merry Christmas. Or...whichever holiday is most appropriate to you. May your New Year start with a blessedness, may 2012 bring you happiness, peace, joy, and lots of kinky good times.

Meh2 & Thankfulness

Still sort of meh. i'm looking forward to Thanksgiving - though it will be a sad one. Even when you know someone is unwell and will be crossing over soon, the moment it hits still sucks. And it sucks because that new loss, however different or far apart it is from the old losses, will still tear those wounds open, just enough to hurt. i try to keep remembering that we were given more years than we expected - that she was ready to go home to her love on the other side. Yes, i'm being purposefully vague and feeling sorry for myself about the loss. (That being said, i still send and share my sympathies with my online friends who have experienced their own losses this year, and to those who are still struggling to see their families healthy again.)

Most importantly this Thanksgiving, for me, though:
1. Master loves me. He puts up with me, He takes care of me, whether i am well, ill or grieving.
2. Master and i have an amazingly intelligent and beautiful son.
3. Master likes my family, and is loved by my family, and He's willing to spend time with them.

<3 You, Master. Forever and always. i know that these last few weeks have been filled with much "meh" but my heart finds the song of joy when You smile at me.

If anyone out there is reading... Have a happy Thanksgiving. Treasure your loved ones, and yourself.

Turn the fan on!

We didn't fall off the face of the Earth.

Summer did get super busy and super hectic, though. We're still trying to squeeze in kinky fun wherever possible. We're still muddling on. i've headed back to school -- boo 12 credits this semester and (sadly) 3 credits next semester. We're trying to beat the heat, but must confess it's largely beating us... Last night at 9 pm it was still 90 degrees (F). Blasted heat. Tonight doesn't look much better.

i haven't forgotten about the 4th "Thunder Recap" that i promised. It's mostly written, but i lost the high from the event, and it makes me kind of sad that we don't get to have super intense fun like that as often as Master or i crave it, so it's been hard for me to finish writing. i will do my best to post it soon, though.

i also have a few other ideas percolating, and hope to get those out there, and hopefully either Master or myself will find the time to write up some of the kinky fun we do manage to squeak into our frantic lives.

And with that, i must go stuff myself in the freezer, because it is far too hot to be doing anything else.

Comfortable in my skin...

Yay! The semester is over, and i am on my second full week free from everything placing demands upon my time. Well. Free from everything but Master. Despite getting off to a strange start to summer vacation, things are looking lovely. Master and i are more at home, relaxed and feeling far less stressed and short-tempered. We feel more connected. 

We did get off to a strange start, with a few odd trips that kept me from sinking immediately into my life as Master's property, well, that and we were all sick. 

But, our second week has shaped up loverly! 

The Mushy is Going Around

(Look! Isn't my new icon image cute? Okay, i know some people think i have cute feet, but i think i have sexy lips. And the structure of my neck, i like as well...Plus my collar looks so pretty!)

On to the purpose of my post... Every day, i am grateful for my Master. For many, many reasons. He's my best friend. He's a sadistic bastard. He's romantic. He's talented in many ways. He's sweet. He can make me cry. He's often considerate. He's a complete jerk. He can make me laugh. He watches corny movies with me. He keeps me from watching things that aren't good for me. He's everything i need Him to be. And i lust after Him as much as i love Him.

2011

Wow. New year, another year older, and still plunking along.

i'm on the mend, the last of the cold finally lifting, my shoulder/back pain beginning to let up, and hopefully, Master and i can squeeze in some serious fun before school starts again in 11 days.

A lot of things that we were hoping to accomplish while i was on break just didn't happen. It's been kind of aggravating in that regard. While Master noted that i mentioned an interest in getting back to the anal training, and supposed it was just so that i could get Him to drop it entirely, that isn't actually the case. While i'm not enjoying it, nor particularly thrilled about it, it's something that He has asked (told) me to do...so i'm doing my best to give it a fair try, to not whinge about it, and otherwise comply with my Master's orders.

And while nothing fun has happened since last year (whine) i'm riding that horrible edge of need, and thinking of all the lovely cruel things Master is capable of, and knowing that if we get a few hours to ourselves, He will do them and i will wonder why i wanted Him to do those horrible things while He's doing them. Afterwards, i'll know why. But during, not so much. i've been fantasizing about electrical play, canes, paddles, playing cards and clothespins, rope, leather, chains and the inability to answer the infernal questions He asks after He's gagged me...

(sigh) Maybe soon.

i'm sure you'll notice the changes to the blog's design - i like playing with layouts, and was looking forward to a change, and with the new year, it seemed a great time to change it. Now, if Master doesn't like it, well...you might see a few more changes.

Delirium

Yesterday did not go at all according to any sort of plan. Master woke up later than He had wanted to. The boy-child woke up sooner than i expected him to. And so the rest of the day was kind of full of unexpectedness. Master and i puttered about, He worked on painting some of His miniatures, i thought about going up to work on my own project to be near Him, but the dishes were calling and it seemed the perfect day to make homemade chicken soup (bestest homemade soup ever, Master said). So that's what we did. It was quiet, and fun, but not at all what Master had planned for the day.

As the day wound down, Master and i began to feel tired, and worried that all opportunity would escape us. The boy-child was ridiculously excited and bouncy (his birthday is coming very soon, i think that may have some influence on the recent over-excitableness), and we were holding little hope in our hearts. Suddenly, i realized it had gone quiet. As we looked into the child's room, we saw that he had tucked himself in (dawwww! Cutest thing in the world!) and gone to sleep after all.

So. It has been a little too long between my posts. (sadface) Life is crazy, and the life we lead seems to occasionally compound its complexities.

It's highly frustrating to me, sometimes, to be so utterly dependent upon Master for so many things. For example, it's against the rules for me to have any kind of sexual release without His prior permission. For as shy as i still am about things related to sex, it makes it difficult for me to get up the gumption to ask for permission.

Combine that with the fact that there is very little time for me to do anything but the basics of survival between my homework and raising our son, and that results in 1) no time to ask, 2) no courage to ask, and 3) no time to accomplish said release if i was brave enough to obtain permission anyway.

This is not to say that Master doesn't consider my needs. He considers that -- and frequently asks me to cum on command, which i am capable of doing.

Yet.

It. Is. Not. The. Same.

Or really even satisfying. It ramps up the need i feel to be under His boot, be tormented by His hands, His mind, and find myself to be deliciously small and worthless as He fills His needs.

Which is one reason i am perpetually grateful for my Master -- because when we do get the chance, He knows exactly how to go all out. With or without the toys.

When we do get the chance, it is often hard for me to make an accurate accounting of what we did here, on this blog, because my brain is so fuzzed with delight, the animal sense of carnality, that words and congruity are beyond my own capabilities.

Whether He hurts me or is kind to me, i cannot help but be driven to that animal mind, that place where the reality of the world doesn't apply anymore. Whether He delights in my pain, delights in a moment of my (sometimes fleeting) masochism, or if His purpose is to deliver bliss, or anywhere between, or if any of those things become blurred, i lust for those moments. If His purpose is to create useless anger in me, meek subservience, despair or joy, i lust for those times, too. Those moments where i am able to be the carnal creature He has made, the moments i feel completely and utterly at home.

But the in-between times? Regardless if they are a day, or near a month, they are too long, and it makes life feel too cruel. And that is supposed to be His job.

I Had to Share This...

Hey everyone. I just had to share this genuine conversation tidbit with you all. This is from this evening when I got home from work. It is an example of how random my sweet slave can be. Though posting this will probably embarrass her, humiliation is all part of the fun... for me.

jenpet - There is this movie, with Colin Farrell in it, called Ondine.

Me - Odin?

jenpet - Yes, it's an Irish film?

Me - Really? Because Odin is one in Russian?

jenpet - No it's Irish. It means... HOLY CRAP!!!

Me - What? Really?

jenpet - Huh? Oh no, I just saw something.

Me - That's awesome! What does it really mean?

jenpet - Something about mermaids?

Me - Nothing about sacred shit?

jenpet - NO!

Me - Okay, okay...

Yep, that is my darling girl. While driving down the road, countless times, she will just randomly exclaim, HOLY SHIT or JESUS! or just give a big panicky sharp intake of breath which sets off my spidy senses, scanning the road for dangers or looking for flaming comets from space crashing down around us. Only to find that a business is having a sale or someone forgot to use a blinker while turning. The result is almost never worth the dump of adrenaline that accompanies her exclamations and she usually pays for it with a sharp slap to the inner thigh...

Teh Ebils ov teh Intarwebz

Warning: This is a girlie rant.

Not having internet for so long was an interesting experience. And having internet again is just as interesting. i forgot how persnickity the online community can be, i forgot how much people can get wrapped up in their own rules and rituals and when people who are unfamiliar with them might miss one little thing, they come unglued.

Where's the community in that?

Where's the line between "I want to meet new people" and "you're a fucktard for sending me a message?" Why are those two statements so often intertwined?

Why can't we treat each other with some amount of courtesy?

i don't approve random friend requests on any social networking sites. Master and i talk about who i'm going to add and why they want to be added. If people don't send me a message about who they are and why they're interested in being friends, generally, i don't add them as friends -- but that doesn't mean that i don't spend some time engaging in conversation with them. If they send me a polite message, i generally make an effort to be polite in exchange for their politeness.

When did it start to matter what public community we were involved in?

When did that become a sign of knowledge?

When did that become a symbol of "honor?"

How can honor be questioned at all when you don't know someone from Adam?

Do people think that ten years is nothing?

Do they think that i would blindly choose someone without honor to be my Owner?

i don't know -- it all seems so arbitrary. We ask people to accept us as we are, let us be who we are, with the interests we all have, but we automatically attack someone for not doing things our way, the "right" way.

Ethnocentrism at its finest.

girlie rant over....

Not vanished...

We're still around.

Really. We're settling in to our new place very well, and despite the strangeness of the last few months, have had opportunities to get our kink on. In fact last week, we had four days in a row where we had more than just quickies!

i even had a bruise or two on my bum (which never, ever marks easily, despite the patchwork of bruises on the rest of me from my clumsiness), a few odd bruises and rope burns on my breasts and sore ribs and tummy muscles.

The downside to all of this is that we still don't have intarwebs in our home. i am missing blogging, reading blogs, FetLife and the other numerous time wasters the internet provides. But i've enjoyed spending more time reading some of my favorite fiction books.

But here things are settling, returning to some semblance of normal, i'm feeling secure as property, and we're enjoying all of it... But next week we unsettle all of that again, Master has agreed to let me continue with college. So off to classes i go. With the hope that we can continue to build on what we have now, that the kinky fun won't disappear, that i'll still be satisfied in my place as His property...

And we will be back as soon as we can. Lack of intarwebs is sad. (Master misses His porn.)

Upheaval

As i mentioned in my last blog, we're moving. Big stress. Big crazy.

This also means we're leaving our DSL behind and are planning to get ourselves settled, back into routine, back to being Master and slave without having niggling anxieties eating away at the slave part.

We will be able to occasionally visit the web and hopefully update everyone on what's going on with us, the progress that we make returning to a more centered M/s lifestyle...but i can't predict how often, as it won't be our intarwebs.

We may choose to get our new intarwebs service hooked up sooner than i think.

But, in the meantime i do have a few blogs that are supposed to pop up occasionally throughout the month.

Meantime, have fun, play nice, and know we'll be back with some interesting new materials.

P.S. When i say "play nice" i mean, rock your socks off and do all the horribly wonderful kinky/sadistic/masochistic things you're inclined to do whenever you have a moment.

Complicated/Coexisting

So. School is over. But, somehow or another things aren't as calm and centered as i hoped. i haven't spent a day caged or chained, at His mercy while He takes care of the "real world" confining me to being His object, something unimportant in His life.

And while i'm grateful for His understanding, His patience and acceptance of my wants and needs, i am also hoping that the day that He yanks me out of reality will happen soon.

An interesting thing has come about in my slavery. i think i'm a better functioning person, i have more self-value. i'm a better partner. i'm a better parent. But i'm also none of those things - i am not a person, i am property, an object. In ten years, the conflict that i perceived has come to coexist. That's not exactly right -- there isn't a conflict, i just thought there would be.

Sure, sometimes i don't feel balanced. Master is perceptive of that, and while not generally happy that i can't always quash those feelings and just be the object He owns, He gives me the time i need. But those fragments of me, they aren't fragments anymore, they are components of the whole, components of my identity, and i need all of them to be satisfied with all of it.

i am a better person than i was when Master took me as His. But i know He didn't make me better for my sake, it wasn't out of some noble purpose. Master made me better because it's what He wants from me. Ideally, i'd spend far more time at His mercy and hurting then we are capable of forcing into the few hours we have, but He wanted me to have greater self-value and yet no self-value.

So, soon, i hope, we can find a bit of time for me to sink all the way to the worthless part of me, the part that delights in the isolation, pain, the object, the thoughtless property...

i'm ready for it.....

April!

Hmmm. March and spring break kind of slipped away. i cannot believe it is April already...

And i had a nice surprise when Biddable passed on the Beautiful Blogger Award to me. And she said she was flabbergasted when it was given to her! Ha! i am tongue-tied, red-faced and completely surprised that she passed it to me.

Now, three bloggers that i think deserve the award:

Carrie-Ann, because even at her "snarkiest," she is brilliant, funny and a joy to read... On top of that, she's hot, and i love it when she dyes her hair pink.

Rayne, because she's beautifully funny, intelligent and honest about what's going on in her life, even when it's hard to make sense of it. Also, she's a really beautiful gal and has such a stunning smile!

libby, because she shares little "dibbles" (it is too a word and it seems appropriate to the way i am thinking about libby's blogs) that really make me think about what i am and why it is i do what i do, i also admire her for her skills in balancing motherhood and slavery, and she's doing an extraordinary job, and now expecting twins! (Congrats, by the way!) i don't know what she looks like, but if butterflies talked, she would sound like butterflies.

(i totally would have tagged Biddable, if she hadn't tagged me first... Her writing almost always gives me a smirk, and she also has a lot of grace in domestic and slavey-ways. Plus the way she writes is hot, and i'd be willing to guess she is also sexy.)

Now i'm supposed to include seven things you might not know about me:

1. i swore i'd never use oil paints for my paintings, but now i love them. (i think i've mentioned that i'm an artsy type before.)

2. i don't think there's anything extraordinary about me.

3. i like all kinds of music, up to rap. my favorites are things my Master doesn't like, like Pink Floyd, the Moody Blues and some random country. i also like recording artists like Pink, Lady Gaga, Blue October and Stained.

4. my most favorite artist is Vincent Van Gogh, though my style is very different from his impasto.

5. i often procrastinate ahead of schedule. If something is supposed to be done in two weeks, i will procrastinate for five days and then finish the task a week ahead of schedule.

6. Master and i don't have television...we watch our shows online and use our television for movies and video games.

7. i have had one seizure in my life, when i was a kid, but it has never happened again.