Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Henny Speaks

My Darling Henny provides her perspective on being inducted into our household...

I got my first a chance to play with Master Reaper when I went to Thunder in the Mountains in July. I had been talking to him and Creature online for at least 4 years before I got the chance to meet them. They were wonderful company in every way, not just for play. Master Reaper was good at negotiating, checking in without breaking up play, and directing me to practice saying my safewords. On top of that, we were just extra compatible for play.
I had such a good time that I arranged during the same visit to Colorado to go back and have another session with Master Reaper and visit his family. His kids are super adorable and smart, and I like the respectful way that he and Creature interact with them. Creature and I turned out to be very similar in many ways. I got to play even harder than the last session when we got away by ourselves and try some new things.

As much as I like playing harder when I can, I have to be picky about some play, because I have always had a poor memory of play and sex after it happens, unless something goes wrong, in which case, I get all trauma-o-vision. Play partners have told me what happened afterwards, and taken pictures to show me. Master Reaper took some video footage, which was new and interesting for me. I knew I sometimes said things I didn’t remember during play, but it turned out I didn’t even remember some plain old lying around conversations, either, which shocked me. Watching uninterrupted video of myself playing & talking was strange when I didn’t remember it, but it helped me connect to that compartmentalized memory. Since watching those videos of myself, I find I now have a better memory for play, which is nice.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

My open door?

Sooooo, I'm the new one here. HI!  This whole thing has been a fantasical adventure for me and now im here to let you all into my own little world.  So yeah, here goes, yay for copy/paste huh?

I believe wholeheartedly in the phrase “When one door shuts another door opens.” However there is a bit of a catch to it, how can one tell if another door has opened when you're stuck on the other side of the one that had shut? To put it simply, you find the strength and courage to open it and see what the outside world can look like. To some its impossible and they continue to stare at the same wall, their minds filling in the images they want to see and they grow content, settling for never truly being happy but never having to hurt. For me it was one of the hardest decisions to make and keep a hold of, to stay steadfast. There were so many things to consider when I opened my door, “How will this affect my daughter? What kind of life is she going to live because of my decision? Am I doing whats best for her AND I? Am I doing the right thing?” Finding a compromise or even an ANSWER for all of these has been the hardest part, especially when my mind swarms me with “what if's” and “could be's”.
I'd be lying if I said I hadn't cried more than a few times after opening the door, that I hadn't regretted my decision and had entertained the thought of shutting myself back up in the dark room I'd lived in for so long. It'd definitely be easier, more comfortable. But who would that be helping really? My daughter would grow up thinking that feeling trapped in a relationship is a normal thing. She wouldn't see the love and light that I want to raise her in. She'd only see that overbearing darkness looming over her mother, the fear that controlled her and the paranoia that was placed there by the deeds of the one causing all of the darkness, regardless of the flecks of light that floated around like fireflies taking their final breath. After opening my door and stepping out into the blinding outer world I've felt free yet terrified, inspired yet suffocated, I've found clarity yet have been faced with even more confusion than I could have possibly imagined.
I've been taken in and collared by a Reaper of lost souls, a collector of the damned wishing only for the salvation of themselves and those most important to them. I serve alongside a Creature of beauty so elegant and bright that there is nothing in existence to compare her to and not sully her image. I often feel myself twinge with jealousy ever so slightly at how gorgeous she is, only to realize that to this Creature and our Master Reaper I am beautiful as well. They have welcomed me into their home and family, and their generosity has been staggering. For them I have shed tears of joy and sorrow. Feeling their arms around me and their heart's warmth in mine fills me with such adoration for them, yet knowing that I can never truly repay them for every thing they have done and all they wish to do in full fills me with such sadness that I cant help but feel like a burden on them. But then the collar I have been given reminds me of their hold on me, my servitude.
His collar is perpetually warm, energizing even. His touch even more so. The longing and desire, nay, NEED to serve these beings is paramount and second only to my life as a mother and the love I have for my only daughter. In secret I devote ALL of my spare time and thought to knowing his rules and his requirements for the slave of a Reaper. And where it sometimes feels like there's so much to learn and apply, I make break throughs faster than I thought possible. Even my wishes to have a life long friend has been fulfilled in his Creature. She is so much like myself yet different enough that I have something to aspire to transform into in the coming years. Her art is abstract and poetic, she is strong, steadfast, resilient beyond measure. A true wonder. And if she really feels as highly for me now as she lets on then I have been given a gift I don't entirely feel I deserve. And even in her touch, as infrequent as is it, as subtle as it can be there is an energy that fills the emptiness I find growing larger and smaller the more time comes to pass.
Within their words I find small pieces of my former self, the self I have been trying to bring back to the surface for years now. Slowly but surely small pieces of the puzzle I though I'd lost are reconnecting themselves and revealing more of me to those that are choosing to see it. And it saddens me to think that if ever the day comes the door to that dark room reopens and the room itself has changed, I may not be allowed to return to it because of the changes I have undergone. But then my keepers remind me that loss isn't mine to feel, but that world's. It is there that my being is wasted, and it is the person in that room that will long and pray for my return but with little to no avail.
In this new world I've plunged myself into I have structure and a sense of purpose. Here I have found more than companionship and life long friends, I have found love and light. I have found a GROUP that I can contribute to and be a part of. I have found kindred spirits so that I may no longer walk my path alone. Here I have discovered that regardless how I view myself, there are people that think I am a work of art, and its beginning to spread into my own way of thinking.
I loved the one that was in that dark room with me, and I still do. But what is love if you cannot trust? What is trust if there is no room to build and grow something so fragile? What is a life where there can be no evolution into something higher than what was broken and filled with pain? In my new world I am evolving, growing, trusting, and loving. I am trusted and loved in turn. I am not the only one being leaned on and I no longer am without something to lean on myself. Even a mountain needs something to hold on to when the ocean's crashing becomes too great.
This Reaper and his Creature have shown me something spectacular, and they continue to do so. Every day is an opportunity to learn, to show what I am capable of at my very core. And every chance I've had to show them just what I can do and who I am, they've been impressed with me. It is here with them that I am feeling most at home, at ease. It is here where I have the purpose I have been looking for. It is within my Master Reaper and his Creature that I am needed. So it is here I will continue my servitude, and do my best to give to them the light and hope they have given me.

-Iseley Lorraine Black

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Yellow Bricks...

Master once texted “The future is a long and twisty toad.” He meant road, but his phone loves to play tricks on him.

Life is funny; it sometimes brings us to places we never expected to be.

When I last wrote about Iseley – it was my first impression of meeting her. Since then, we've spent more time together, for a while just as friends, and now, after a few hundred miles, as a cohabitant. We both wear his collar. We brat at him like crazy. And he's grinning like a mad man. We can work together as a perfect team with domestic things – she gives me no anxiety when she takes over the kitchen! – and we can hang out in the same room talking, sharing music, working on art, managing the minions... We get along as if she's always been here.

I am a giant introvert. I like to be alone, and I like having space (at least for a few hours) that is sort of mine. When her moving in presented itself as an opportunity, Master asked me if I would be okay. My honest answer was “I don't know, but this deserves a chance.”

There's a lot more I'd like to write here, but the story isn't mine alone. It isn't my place to tell you when Master first confessed to me that he had fallen in love with her; or how it was all revealed (I can say there were lots of directives to two girls to talk about “feels,” and I'd like to add that neither of us like “feelsharing”); or how she came to her own decisions about what was right for her.

The week leading up to her arriving was a ball of anxiety for me; but when she pulled in and as I texted Master to inform him she had arrived, she jumped out and hugged my car. In that moment, there was a wash of relief. She was home. And that kind of made things perfect.

There are still all sorts of things to figure out. There are things that we need to do to find our balance. We need to learn how we need to share time, so that everyone gets as much of their needs met as possible. We need to logistically divide chores and responsibilities so that none of us are overwhelmed, especially once Iseley finds the perfect job that meets her career goals and growth expectations. I don't know how it's all going to work out, but there's a certainty in my heart that it is going to work out.

In the meantime, I can see how we're all good for each other. Iseley shakes the agoraphobia out of me, and I'm more willing to go places I wouldn't normally go. She spurs all of us to actually get out the door and not hide from all the places and stuff we could be going and doing. She keeps me from being too hard on my face, my shape, my level of fitness; and I think I'm doing the same for her. She's easy to talk to, but it's also easy to just hang out in a comfortable silence with her. There's no pressure. I'm learning better how to ask for help with things, learning to let go. Her talents in the kitchen are amazing; she's a sensational chef; she's introduced all of us to a wider range of cuisine than I ever attempted.

While we have grand plans and ideas about buying two duplexes so we can just put a door between the units, that may be a long way into the twisty toad...I mean road. So in the meantime, a bigger condo? A house with a few extra rooms? And how to explain to people who visit who aren't in the know? I mean, currently, we live in a two bedroom with kids, so there's no “guest room,” and family might have some serious questions and weird responses.

But at home (despite me being a super recluse) the moments we three share... it's very comfortable.

There's something right happening.