i miss...

In between all the other stuff that needs doing, i surf the web (now that we have it again!). Mostly i bounce around FetLife and kinky blogs, and this week has been interesting to watch the shifts.

When Master and i started out, we couldn't attend the various Fet/BDSM clubs. But the minute we could, we were right there. Our first event/play party was actually in October of 2000. Ten years ago. And it was awesome. Bigger spaces, more three-dimensional play, people to interact with, compare notes with, become friends with. Our kinky interactions were pretty important to us, and we made some serious efforts to get to as many as we could.

And then, i got the brilliant idea to take a job far, far away from those kinky interactions that were so much a part of our lives. On one hand, we did things then that we never would have had the opportunity to do if we had stayed near the kinky stuff. We wouldn't have made the awesome friends that we did.

But today, i realize how much i miss going to kinky events where i didn't have to hide in the shell of "normal," i miss people remarking on the chemistry and dynamic that Master and i have. i miss seeing braver subs/slaves than i, watching those uber intense scenes between other people. i miss the diversity of the kinky community we were once a part of. i miss having kinky friends who understood.

This house we're in now. It's still awesome. But it is still very, very far away from any sort of public scene. It is very far away from lots of like minded folks.

And reading all the talk about stuff like Kinky Camping (not quite my type of scene, btw., i don't think i like camping anymore), or Kinky College, or finding out what is going on any particular week for a kinky club, makes me miss what Master and i had in the early days.

Stress

May has been complicated. Expecting things to ease up at the end of the semester was a bit of a mistake. It obviously didn't, and both Master and i have been on edge because we're moving. Not really where we want to, but it's a step up from where we are, despite the location.

my anxiety levels have been out of control. i continue to feel anxious, on edge and frustrated. And the heat doesn't help either. See, Master and i have gotten spoiled by having a wonderful air conditioner...and despite our move being a step up, the little place doesn't have an air conditioner. So, despite the heat, we've resisted the urge to flip the switch and learn to deal with the heat while we pack our items for the big move.

Having most of our goods packed already has been difficult. When opportunities arise, knowing that most of our toys have already been packed is like a blow to the gut. Takes the wind out of (at least, in my case) the sails. Lusting for things that are packed tidily away. Phooey.

Soon, soon.

Balance

There's been a feeling of being out of sorts building up in me for a while now. An uncomfortable feeling with the word "slave" but not with my life or how Master treats me. Because i am loathe to talk about something when i don't understand the whys of it, i haven't said anything to Master before today.

Of course, it did upset Him a bit. We talked about it, He prodded and poked, trying to figure out why. But i still don't know.

That's okay. Because after we had mulled it over, spent some time laying close together, all snuggly and comfortable, Master made one of His extraordinarily quick movements and had me pinned down to the floor by my neck. He asked me if i had a problem with how He treats me, with being property. i gave Him an honest answer: i need it, i want it, i am His property.

So He called me "slave" over and over again, and put pressure on my throat, His big, strong hand clamping down while i tried to squirm away. He didn't let me go, and told me to say it. i fought, still not knowing why i am having such a catch with the word. He squeezed while i wouldn't say it and everything but His piercing eyes became fuzzy, my head felt like it was ten times too big, swollen and tight...

He talked to me, quietly, reminding me that if i had no problems with the way i am treated, with being property, than "slave" isn't any different. And even while i squirmed, trying to get a full breath of air, He spoke, so calmly, so logically.

i said it. And while there's still some undetermined feelings about it, i know i am. i know i enjoy it, need it, crave it. It is what i am.

But i needed His calm, cool, collected force and show of strength to help me find a place to accept myself as His slave. His cruelty balanced so delicately with kindness, His strength and gentleness, His passion countered by logic -- those things are my safe-haven.

Up, down, down, down...

...and now can we have some up, please?

It's all part of life, the ups and downs, the periods of activity balanced with periods of inactivity.

But this deep funk that Master and i have found ourselves in sucks. i'm doing much better now, a week after it set in, and i am aching for the chance to have His hands run over me, owning me...

But, damn. Getting back to this point has been ridiculous. i've kept up on reading my favorite bloggers out there, and logged in to FetLife frequently, trying to rip myself from the bottom of the whole that swallowed me, and none of it really worked. Heck, Master let me watch some FetLife videos with Him, and it was like, "Oh. What a letdown."

Don't get me wrong, all the stuff i read and watched was interesting mentally, and i've thought about all of them more than once during this horrid week, but nothing was happening for the sexual part of me. Not even the tiniest cunt-twitch. Annoying. To know that it would do wonders for me if i could feel that and be beyond all of it was nuts.

Heck, Master had me try to get an orgasm one night while He was at work and i had to pull out the monster vibe (which is bigger and has way more muscle than most vibrators out there...though i can't really compare it to a hitachi 'coz we don't own one...) and even on the highest setting, it took me way longer than usual to find that point. And even when i did, that in itself was a letdown, because the orgasm lasted so briefly - it felt like nanoseconds and then i was again in the vast blackness that had swallowed me.

i cannot even define what triggered the event, and it's frustrating. i hated feeling that way, and i hate the remnants of it.

But i can see the sun on the other side, if we can just find the time to get through this last bit of ick...

Argggg!...

So, just a quick note to get caught up. Arggggg! This blog would not be doing its job if it didn't portray the good and the bad of our lives and our dynamic. And today it gets to show the shits.

I don't know how, I don't know when, I don't know why, hell I'm even a little confused on who and what, but for some reason or reasons everything has gone to pot. I mean everything! jenpet's physical and emotional well being has had so many ups and downs recently that I'm thinking of buying into ski lift stocks to recoup at least some of the losses I feel. My own hard earned calm exterior has melted away like a snowman in Miami, leaving a snarling mass of anger and frustration to face the world with absolutely no barrier.

With my nerves on a hair trigger, the unexpected visitation of friends in need, the challenge of our two year old, the stuff falling apart in our house, and the ever present work and bill situations, its a wonder that I'm with it enough to share it all with you, dear readers.

I kid you not about the unexpected arrival of friends in need either. We were naked, jenpet bound, hooded, butt plugged, ass in the air waiting to be filled and there came the knock at the door. How rude of us to have left them on the doorstep for any amount of time too. What opportunities we have had have either been sabotaged by our child or various issues, be they physical or emotional.

My poor girl has been feeling it as well. A depression came over her that robbed her of any and all sexual desire and enjoyment. Imagine how horrible it must be to feel the sensation but not have it connect. Being such sexual creatures as we are, it is driving the both of us nuts! It is sadly natural for any commiseration to be confused or felt as blame when the problem rests with one or the other of us as well.

The more time that passes between the chances we get to play, the more rejected I feel, as if it were in the least a conscious choice for her to feel this way. The more rejected I feel the more unreasonable and retaliatory I become. The worst of it is that, because she has been so robbed, she can't share even interest in the desires that have begun to plague my waking moments. The only comfort I can glean is found in brief moments of cruelty I can inflict upon her, such as a painful bite during a hug, wrapping my hand tightly around her neck to choke the words from her as she speaks, or even a quick swat on the ass.

Conversely, every slight infraction of the rules stands out like Vegas casino sign, slapping me in the face. And all the while, there is my sweet child, staying my hand and unreasonable wrath with his constant presence.

Fuck I need a vacation! I'm going to go pack my bitch... I mean, bags...