There's been a feeling of being out of sorts building up in me for a while now. An uncomfortable feeling with the word "slave" but not with my life or how Master treats me. Because i am loathe to talk about something when i don't understand the whys of it, i haven't said anything to Master before today.
Of course, it did upset Him a bit. We talked about it, He prodded and poked, trying to figure out why. But i still don't know.
That's okay. Because after we had mulled it over, spent some time laying close together, all snuggly and comfortable, Master made one of His extraordinarily quick movements and had me pinned down to the floor by my neck. He asked me if i had a problem with how He treats me, with being property. i gave Him an honest answer: i need it, i want it, i am His property.
So He called me "slave" over and over again, and put pressure on my throat, His big, strong hand clamping down while i tried to squirm away. He didn't let me go, and told me to say it. i fought, still not knowing why i am having such a catch with the word. He squeezed while i wouldn't say it and everything but His piercing eyes became fuzzy, my head felt like it was ten times too big, swollen and tight...
He talked to me, quietly, reminding me that if i had no problems with the way i am treated, with being property, than "slave" isn't any different. And even while i squirmed, trying to get a full breath of air, He spoke, so calmly, so logically.
i said it. And while there's still some undetermined feelings about it, i know i am. i know i enjoy it, need it, crave it. It is what i am.
But i needed His calm, cool, collected force and show of strength to help me find a place to accept myself as His slave. His cruelty balanced so delicately with kindness, His strength and gentleness, His passion countered by logic -- those things are my safe-haven.