A fresh year...

Welcome to twenty-ten!

i have high hopes for this year, but no real resolutions. There are things i want to improve, for sure, but they are things that i always want. i want to become a better slave, be more pleasing to my Master and do better at the domestic stuff. i also hope to keep on top of the blog more this year, instead of kind of drifting along with it. But i'm not off to a very good start with it. i've logged in a few times and just can't really focus enough on the topics Master and i have listed for me to really make sense of them.

i want to stress, though, that what i write (and videoblog) about here, is what i think, how i think, and what works for us. Choosing to live in a BDSM or Master/slave lifestyle is a deeply personal thing. While a word can't be re-defined to suit an individual's purpose, there can be fine lines within those definitions.

Take my most recent videoblog, when i talked about not being submissive.

Merriam-Webster defines "submissive" as one who submits to others. i don't submit to others, i submit to one. There's a distinciton for me, because i am so strong-willed that with other people, i tend to drive things the way i want them to be. Because of that, i cannot see myself as submissive. "Submit" is defined as one who yields to governance or authority. i do that with my Master, but only with my Master. i submit to Him and obey Him.

For me, there is a difference. That's how the definitions fit me. They may not fit everyone that way, but its how the definitions fit my role.

Goodbye, "no"

There's been a lot of stress flying around in the air here lately. Master and i have been going round and round about our worth, mostly how both of us feel like we're lacking in growth.

And that's a load, right there. Master and i have grown by leaps and bounds. We do things now that terrified me before, and though there are some aspects where there has been some atrophy, we both have matured, we've tried to grow together and we've done our best to embrace the whole of ourselves.

Ever since Master took me as His own, i have wanted to be the "perfect" slave. It's this ideal i have in my head, how i do everything He asks of me perfectly, never stopping what He wants, able to find sub-space-zen in even the most difficult tasks. But, shouldn't that come naturally for a submissive? Well...if i was submissive, maybe. But i'm not, i'm willful, opinionated and determined, though i crave the structure of being His slave. (i've talked about why i submit here before, and you can read that post here.)

It doesn't come naturally, i have a heck of a time setting aside the things i think and want when He asks me to do something. Sometimes, i accomplish it with grace, with little hesitation. But sometimes, it comes from the opposite end of the spectrum... As in, it doesn't happen as He expects it to, or at all.

The word "no" isn't one that supposed to fall from my lips when it comes to something He has asked of me. And yet, it has. Several times.

Each time, both of us retreat, wounded by my refusal to submit. It hurts Him because a million times over, this is what i have told Him that i want, yet, i refused His order. It hurts me because i don't want Him to be hurt and because in those moments, i am the one who is refusing to abide by the life that i need. It's not the same as cutting, but the amount of self-damage that is done when i say "no" is comparable.

Eventually, we'll talk it out, sort out all our hurt feelings, and find our way back to where we were. And that usually means, that despite the underlying issues, i have a penance that must be paid before both of us can move beyond the incident cleanly.

But there's still that idea in my head that i can be perfect, just waiting for a chance to rear its ugly head and help me derail everything that Master and i have worked for.

And it's time for the perfect monster to be destroyed. Time for me to really work on communicating, and remembering that the word "no" does more damage then asking for a moment to talk can ever do. Remembering that every moment that i submit, i am becoming what He wants me to be ─ and He never asked for perfect.

Abiding realities

There's been BDSM bloggers (peruse our blogroll for "Under His Hand" and "The Journey") lately pondering whether or not the Master/slave relationships are merely an illusion. So many of us view our status as the slave or the Master as a permanent and unbreakable aspect of our relationships. So we strive to build lasting M/s relationships. But sometimes, even those lasting relationships face the loss of the M/s dynamic.

Sure, there are slaves being uncollared all the time, Masters walking away from their slaves, slaves walking away from their Masters, out to find someone more compatable. Rarely we see or hear about the M/s relationships that have become something more complex, where niether party wants to walk away from the other, but something keeps them from continuing in a M/s relationship.

And that leaves two people, whispering in the dark, trying to work out how to relate to each other.

my heart goes out to those who experience this... It terrifies me, too, as several times, Master and i have been trecherously close to throwing out the M/s aspects of our relationship permanently. Yet, what we have together is a long established friendship and abiding love. Neither of us can entertain the thought of parting ways, and yet, we know learning to relate to each other in a vanilla envrionment could very well be the scariest thing that we have faced in our lives. In thinking about this subject, my favorite Oscar Wilde quote comes to mind: "The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself."

All this talk comes down to the fact that each and every one of us, regardless of the length of time we have been involved in a Master and slave (or take your pick of terms) relationship, will always be individuals, doing our best to live together in harmony and sometimes, that just isn't possible. "Real life" and, by that, i mean outside forces, will muck up our best laid plans, and force us to places we never thought we'd go. Sometimes, a step back is something we have to do.

Once, four years into being my Master's girl and three years into being His wife, i essentially ran away from Him. i left our home, i left the city we lived in and the reach of His collar. At that point, i had never truly tasted independance. i had never lived on my own, outside of a home with family or with my Master. Six months later, He left the same to be where i was, because i'd learned something. i loved Him more than independance, i loved being with Him, being part of Him and my soul grew sick with longing without Him and without belonging to Him. That "step back" made me realize that the things i thought were important weren't, and what really mattered...

This post has been a bit of a ramble, but my point is, Master and slave relationships are kinky fun but once you throw deep, soul-connected, time-tested love into the mix it becomes a different creature entirely. Not only has the kink enticed us but the love has suffused every aspect of our roles bringing us to a point where they can't be used as a weapon for manipulation nor something that we throw away without a thought for the rest of our lives. The "playtime" M/s is over once love weaves its way throughout the dynamic and whether we mean it to or not, i think a part of us will always identify as the role we assumed inside that M/s relationship.

One final thought: may those special relationships infused with love, when "real life" requires them to step away from the M/s dynamic, abide with love.