There's been a lot of stress flying around in the air here lately. Master and i have been going round and round about our worth, mostly how both of us feel like we're lacking in growth.
And that's a load, right there. Master and i have grown by leaps and bounds. We do things now that terrified me before, and though there are some aspects where there has been some atrophy, we both have matured, we've tried to grow together and we've done our best to embrace the whole of ourselves.
Ever since Master took me as His own, i have wanted to be the "perfect" slave. It's this ideal i have in my head, how i do everything He asks of me perfectly, never stopping what He wants, able to find sub-space-zen in even the most difficult tasks. But, shouldn't that come naturally for a submissive? Well...if i was submissive, maybe. But i'm not, i'm willful, opinionated and determined, though i crave the structure of being His slave. (i've talked about why i submit here before, and you can read that post here.)
It doesn't come naturally, i have a heck of a time setting aside the things i think and want when He asks me to do something. Sometimes, i accomplish it with grace, with little hesitation. But sometimes, it comes from the opposite end of the spectrum... As in, it doesn't happen as He expects it to, or at all.
The word "no" isn't one that supposed to fall from my lips when it comes to something He has asked of me. And yet, it has. Several times.
Each time, both of us retreat, wounded by my refusal to submit. It hurts Him because a million times over, this is what i have told Him that i want, yet, i refused His order. It hurts me because i don't want Him to be hurt and because in those moments, i am the one who is refusing to abide by the life that i need. It's not the same as cutting, but the amount of self-damage that is done when i say "no" is comparable.
Eventually, we'll talk it out, sort out all our hurt feelings, and find our way back to where we were. And that usually means, that despite the underlying issues, i have a penance that must be paid before both of us can move beyond the incident cleanly.
But there's still that idea in my head that i can be perfect, just waiting for a chance to rear its ugly head and help me derail everything that Master and i have worked for.
And it's time for the perfect monster to be destroyed. Time for me to really work on communicating, and remembering that the word "no" does more damage then asking for a moment to talk can ever do. Remembering that every moment that i submit, i am becoming what He wants me to be ─ and He never asked for perfect.