Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Non-Monogamy & Gregarious Flirts

Over the years of exploration, learning about my own sexuality, I've learned quite a bit. When I first entered the scene with Master (almost 20 years ago, for those counting), I didn't even really know bisexuality was a thing. Considering my family condemned gays and lesbians, and in general, talked about sex as if it were a secret thing that only a husband and wife could do, it's not surprising how much I had to learn. Of course, one of the big ones was polygamy, or non-monogamy, if you prefer.

Master is non-monogamous by nature. When we started dating again in High School, I could see that in him. I may not have understood the words I'm using now, but I knew that being with one, and only one, partner was going to be nearly impossible for him. How did I know this without the words?

Because even though he showed me how important I was to him, he was a gregarious flirt. He's charismatic when he wants to be. He loves lust (that's probably his number one kink).

So how does one cope with being in a non-monogamous relationship with a gregarious flirt? Here's what I know, and works for me. Maybe it will be helpful to someone you know, or you yourself, or maybe none of it is for you, and that's okay.

Before I go any further here, I have to stress that jealousy and envy don't really exist in me when it comes to Master and his partners. I do occasionally feel insecure, and uncertain, that he does want to be with me. I know what jealousy feels like, and for me, it is more often associated with an object than a person; I rarely have jealousy related to a relationship, but will often experience jealousy over something (house, car, computer, phone, etc.) that someone else has.

Now...My four personal steps in dealing with insecurity in my relationship:

First: I recognize the time Master invests in me. When he is with me, and I ask him for undivided attention, he gives me that. The moments he invests in me are what I use to fight back illogical thoughts of being less important to him. He's invested the time and attention to let me know I am important.

Second: Master's flirting and affection with others does not necessarily mean that he is actively pursuing another relationship. Sometimes he flirts just to flirt, sometimes he is seeking a little ego fluffing.

Third: When Master is pursuing another relationship, it is not to replace anyone he has a relationship with. He's practically insatiable, and if he had the time, he'd happily bounce from bed to bed, scene to scene. The man can be active for upwards of 36 hours without stopping. As it is, he's also a realist, and measures his time carefully and does his best not to fill it beyond his capabilities. Ethical non-monogamous people try to be sure that they have enough time for everyone; not just in the bedroom, but also for the emotional needs and considerations of their partners.

Fourth: There are certain places and times that he is more prone to seemingly random flirting. These are generally in lifestyle safe spaces. These are the places we all let our dark sides, our shadow selves, out to play. What better place to be yourself when you are an enormous flirt who loves BDSM? Knowing he's more prone to flirtatiousness at a BDSM friendly event helps me go back to review the first three and often realize he's just expressing what a great time he's having.

What do I do when I've looked at those four things and I'm still feeling insecure?

I communicate.

This is the most powerful tool in our relationship boxes, whether you are vanilla, kinky, monogamous,  non-monogamous or any combination of the above. I also have worked very, very hard at learning to use non-accusatory language. When I say “You are making me feel bad,” I'm accusing him, putting him on the defensive; this will frequently result in a yelling match and more hurt feelings.

If I turn that around though, and say something like “I'm not feeling very important to you right now. Can we talk about it?” I'm asking him to be on my side, I've expressed my feelings, let him know there's a problem and opened the discussion. When this discussion opens, it is super, super helpful to have an idea of how the balance can be restored; for me, sometimes, it's enough to have the conversation. Sometimes I need more; planning a date, planning to play a video game together...the things that make me see the stability in our relationship. The language used in this discussion really needs to be soft...

Starting your statements with yourself, using “I,” can get your point across without creating a need for your partner to go on the defensive. Compare my following example statements:
“I feel like you think she's more attractive,” or “You think she's more attractive.”
“I feel like our relationship might not be a priority to you,” or “You don't treat our relationship as if it is a priority.”
“I worry that you're looking for someone better,” or “You're looking for someone better.”
“I need to know if I'm as important to you as you are to me,” or “You don't think I'm important in this relationship, the way I think of you.”

The first ones are much softer, much kinder, more like opening a moment to be shared rather than a can of worms.

There are giant perks to being in a relationship with someone who loves to flirt. They are constantly stroking your ego as much as their own. In all of the gregarious flirts I've met (and I know a fair handful) they are deliriously infectious, they are good at making you feel good (in so many ways), and they have a glitter in their eyes that is enormously delightful. It isn't always easy to see them glitter and sparkle with someone else, but they adore their relationships, and work very, very hard to ensure that their partners can feel secure, appreciated, and valued.

If this is helpful, or you have questions about my perspective and/or relationships, I'd love to hear from you!

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Blame and Shame

So. Another big celebrity is in the news with accusations of sexual assault, Harvey Weinstein. But that's not what's prompted me to put words to page tonight. Mayim Bialik, actress from “Blossom” and “The Big Bang Theory,” a neuroscientist, mother, and feminist had a bit or two to say about it.

Quick note about the following links: I am not providing hyperlinks to these as I am not looking for pingbacks, nor wanting to provide pingbacks to these articles and blogs. You'll need to copy and paste them into your browser's address bar.

On her own blog (link: groknation.com/hollywood/not-surprised-harvey-weinstein-heres/), in the New York Times opinion section (link: nytimes.com/2017/10/13/opinion/mayim-bialik-feminist-harvey-weinstein.html) and as a vlog on youtube (link: youtube.com/watch?v=WFb0EDl-JS8&feature=youtu.be), she's had lots to say about it.

What breaks me is that one of her most strongly held self-descriptors is “feminist,” and yet, in each one of those links I've given you above, she lays some of the blame on the survivors. She insinuates that she's avoided that kind of attention because of her choices to dress modestly and because she's “not a perfect ten.”

Bialik says in her vlog, that strip clubs and places where people are paid to have sex are not places people should go...she goes on to slam pornography, “ingesting pornography rarely elevates you as a human being, and likely contributes to the degradation and abuse of men and women.”

I'm not a sex worker. I've never been paid for any of the pictures or videos that we've put out there. But dammit. If people are having fun, and happy about what they do, why are we objecting to them providing it? I am a woman and it is my choice to participate in sex, in (amateur) porn, to decide if I want to go to a strip club, or be involved in a threesome. I have the right to choose those things.  I know I'm not really being coherent about this. I'm mad; I'm mad at the continual blaming and shaming that feminists like Bialik continue to put out there.

Ultimately; I am capable of making rational decisions. I am capable of choosing how to be happy. Everyone has that right. Not just people that are modest, not just people who don't want to sell something people are willing to buy. Hell, I don't love every picture that is up on FetLife – I might hate the angle of my nose or how floppy my belly skin looks – but damn, I am proud of the fun that Master and I have.

Blaming and shaming has to stop.

Has. To. Stop.

I was 17. Like Bialik, I also did not (still don't) consider myself a perfect ten. My nose is too big, my under-bite too deep, my muscles and belly too soft. I've never been part of the popular crowd. I've never been the cheerleader. I've never been good at flirting. I was wearing jeans and a loose sweater. There were no bra straps, no exposed belly. Pretty modest. I said no. I said no, over and over and over, until it was over.

I have never publicly exposed my rapist. I never wanted to, because I knew what most people would have said.

“You should have known better.”
“Boys will be boys.”
“Why were you there?”

The first person I ever confessed the event to was Master Reaper.

And up until this blog...only a handful of people knew.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

O. Oh. O. No

For a really long time, Master has controlled my orgasms. We have been together, doing WIIWD for about 20 years, and the orgasm control became pretty standard by...the end of year one, maybe. The orgasms belonged to him. 
He's been very generous with them. I beg, he usually says yes. I am super orgasmic, too. The right touch and I can be there in a second.
Over our many years together, we've played with temporary denial. But once I am ramped up, my tolerance for pain is higher, my willingness is greater. 
And this week, I haven't been given permission. 
I am frothing for pain. For more sex (even if he keeps saying no). 
It is only Wednesday.
Master keeps checking with me to ask if I feel connected. 
And I do. I feel loved. I feel like his creature. 
He's said that once this week, he'll say yes. I don't know if that means one orgasm or more that one. I don't know if it/they won't be ruined orgasms. I don't know how long he'll keep me on this path of denial. 
I didn't think to ask. 
I am writhing with need.
Thank goodness for spell check because I can't even spell today.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

henny's Recount of her February Visit...

I went to visit Master and Creature for a week in February, in an attempt to try out the cold weather where they live, and to try out being a part of the household. It was in the 70s all week, so that part didn’t work out, but I did get to have a visit that was less vacation-y and more day to day.

As soon as I got to Master’s house, he put my new collar on me. I love the collar! It connects me to Master all the time. I’m not taking it off unless I absolutely must. Master entrusted me with the key, so that I could go through airport security without it, but once I got through, it was on and has remained on since.

Master and Creature set me up in their room, so I could snuggle with Master at night along with Creature. Master chained my leg to the bed at night, which I liked very much.

I was given my rules for when I was at home: asking permission to use the bathroom, to eat and to sit on furniture. I had a little trouble getting used to the rules, and I made some comical moves as I realized I was about to sit on chairs or beds without permission. There were a few hot stove hops as well as a couple collapsing and sliding off of things moments. Master was strict but very patient with me as I learned my new habits.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Henny Speaks


My Darling Henny provides her perspective on being inducted into our household...

I got my first a chance to play with Master Reaper when I went to Thunder in the Mountains in July. I had been talking to him and Creature online for at least 4 years before I got the chance to meet them. They were wonderful company in every way, not just for play. Master Reaper was good at negotiating, checking in without breaking up play, and directing me to practice saying my safewords. On top of that, we were just extra compatible for play.
I had such a good time that I arranged during the same visit to Colorado to go back and have another session with Master Reaper and visit his family. His kids are super adorable and smart, and I like the respectful way that he and Creature interact with them. Creature and I turned out to be very similar in many ways. I got to play even harder than the last session when we got away by ourselves and try some new things.

As much as I like playing harder when I can, I have to be picky about some play, because I have always had a poor memory of play and sex after it happens, unless something goes wrong, in which case, I get all trauma-o-vision. Play partners have told me what happened afterwards, and taken pictures to show me. Master Reaper took some video footage, which was new and interesting for me. I knew I sometimes said things I didn’t remember during play, but it turned out I didn’t even remember some plain old lying around conversations, either, which shocked me. Watching uninterrupted video of myself playing & talking was strange when I didn’t remember it, but it helped me connect to that compartmentalized memory. Since watching those videos of myself, I find I now have a better memory for play, which is nice.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

My open door?

Sooooo, I'm the new one here. HI!  This whole thing has been a fantasical adventure for me and now im here to let you all into my own little world.  So yeah, here goes, yay for copy/paste huh?


I believe wholeheartedly in the phrase “When one door shuts another door opens.” However there is a bit of a catch to it, how can one tell if another door has opened when you're stuck on the other side of the one that had shut? To put it simply, you find the strength and courage to open it and see what the outside world can look like. To some its impossible and they continue to stare at the same wall, their minds filling in the images they want to see and they grow content, settling for never truly being happy but never having to hurt. For me it was one of the hardest decisions to make and keep a hold of, to stay steadfast. There were so many things to consider when I opened my door, “How will this affect my daughter? What kind of life is she going to live because of my decision? Am I doing whats best for her AND I? Am I doing the right thing?” Finding a compromise or even an ANSWER for all of these has been the hardest part, especially when my mind swarms me with “what if's” and “could be's”.
I'd be lying if I said I hadn't cried more than a few times after opening the door, that I hadn't regretted my decision and had entertained the thought of shutting myself back up in the dark room I'd lived in for so long. It'd definitely be easier, more comfortable. But who would that be helping really? My daughter would grow up thinking that feeling trapped in a relationship is a normal thing. She wouldn't see the love and light that I want to raise her in. She'd only see that overbearing darkness looming over her mother, the fear that controlled her and the paranoia that was placed there by the deeds of the one causing all of the darkness, regardless of the flecks of light that floated around like fireflies taking their final breath. After opening my door and stepping out into the blinding outer world I've felt free yet terrified, inspired yet suffocated, I've found clarity yet have been faced with even more confusion than I could have possibly imagined.
I've been taken in and collared by a Reaper of lost souls, a collector of the damned wishing only for the salvation of themselves and those most important to them. I serve alongside a Creature of beauty so elegant and bright that there is nothing in existence to compare her to and not sully her image. I often feel myself twinge with jealousy ever so slightly at how gorgeous she is, only to realize that to this Creature and our Master Reaper I am beautiful as well. They have welcomed me into their home and family, and their generosity has been staggering. For them I have shed tears of joy and sorrow. Feeling their arms around me and their heart's warmth in mine fills me with such adoration for them, yet knowing that I can never truly repay them for every thing they have done and all they wish to do in full fills me with such sadness that I cant help but feel like a burden on them. But then the collar I have been given reminds me of their hold on me, my servitude.
His collar is perpetually warm, energizing even. His touch even more so. The longing and desire, nay, NEED to serve these beings is paramount and second only to my life as a mother and the love I have for my only daughter. In secret I devote ALL of my spare time and thought to knowing his rules and his requirements for the slave of a Reaper. And where it sometimes feels like there's so much to learn and apply, I make break throughs faster than I thought possible. Even my wishes to have a life long friend has been fulfilled in his Creature. She is so much like myself yet different enough that I have something to aspire to transform into in the coming years. Her art is abstract and poetic, she is strong, steadfast, resilient beyond measure. A true wonder. And if she really feels as highly for me now as she lets on then I have been given a gift I don't entirely feel I deserve. And even in her touch, as infrequent as is it, as subtle as it can be there is an energy that fills the emptiness I find growing larger and smaller the more time comes to pass.
Within their words I find small pieces of my former self, the self I have been trying to bring back to the surface for years now. Slowly but surely small pieces of the puzzle I though I'd lost are reconnecting themselves and revealing more of me to those that are choosing to see it. And it saddens me to think that if ever the day comes the door to that dark room reopens and the room itself has changed, I may not be allowed to return to it because of the changes I have undergone. But then my keepers remind me that loss isn't mine to feel, but that world's. It is there that my being is wasted, and it is the person in that room that will long and pray for my return but with little to no avail.
In this new world I've plunged myself into I have structure and a sense of purpose. Here I have found more than companionship and life long friends, I have found love and light. I have found a GROUP that I can contribute to and be a part of. I have found kindred spirits so that I may no longer walk my path alone. Here I have discovered that regardless how I view myself, there are people that think I am a work of art, and its beginning to spread into my own way of thinking.
I loved the one that was in that dark room with me, and I still do. But what is love if you cannot trust? What is trust if there is no room to build and grow something so fragile? What is a life where there can be no evolution into something higher than what was broken and filled with pain? In my new world I am evolving, growing, trusting, and loving. I am trusted and loved in turn. I am not the only one being leaned on and I no longer am without something to lean on myself. Even a mountain needs something to hold on to when the ocean's crashing becomes too great.
This Reaper and his Creature have shown me something spectacular, and they continue to do so. Every day is an opportunity to learn, to show what I am capable of at my very core. And every chance I've had to show them just what I can do and who I am, they've been impressed with me. It is here with them that I am feeling most at home, at ease. It is here where I have the purpose I have been looking for. It is within my Master Reaper and his Creature that I am needed. So it is here I will continue my servitude, and do my best to give to them the light and hope they have given me.



-Iseley Lorraine Black

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Yellow Bricks...


Master once texted “The future is a long and twisty toad.” He meant road, but his phone loves to play tricks on him.

Life is funny; it sometimes brings us to places we never expected to be.

When I last wrote about Iseley – it was my first impression of meeting her. Since then, we've spent more time together, for a while just as friends, and now, after a few hundred miles, as a cohabitant. We both wear his collar. We brat at him like crazy. And he's grinning like a mad man. We can work together as a perfect team with domestic things – she gives me no anxiety when she takes over the kitchen! – and we can hang out in the same room talking, sharing music, working on art, managing the minions... We get along as if she's always been here.

I am a giant introvert. I like to be alone, and I like having space (at least for a few hours) that is sort of mine. When her moving in presented itself as an opportunity, Master asked me if I would be okay. My honest answer was “I don't know, but this deserves a chance.”

There's a lot more I'd like to write here, but the story isn't mine alone. It isn't my place to tell you when Master first confessed to me that he had fallen in love with her; or how it was all revealed (I can say there were lots of directives to two girls to talk about “feels,” and I'd like to add that neither of us like “feelsharing”); or how she came to her own decisions about what was right for her.

The week leading up to her arriving was a ball of anxiety for me; but when she pulled in and as I texted Master to inform him she had arrived, she jumped out and hugged my car. In that moment, there was a wash of relief. She was home. And that kind of made things perfect.

There are still all sorts of things to figure out. There are things that we need to do to find our balance. We need to learn how we need to share time, so that everyone gets as much of their needs met as possible. We need to logistically divide chores and responsibilities so that none of us are overwhelmed, especially once Iseley finds the perfect job that meets her career goals and growth expectations. I don't know how it's all going to work out, but there's a certainty in my heart that it is going to work out.

In the meantime, I can see how we're all good for each other. Iseley shakes the agoraphobia out of me, and I'm more willing to go places I wouldn't normally go. She spurs all of us to actually get out the door and not hide from all the places and stuff we could be going and doing. She keeps me from being too hard on my face, my shape, my level of fitness; and I think I'm doing the same for her. She's easy to talk to, but it's also easy to just hang out in a comfortable silence with her. There's no pressure. I'm learning better how to ask for help with things, learning to let go. Her talents in the kitchen are amazing; she's a sensational chef; she's introduced all of us to a wider range of cuisine than I ever attempted.

While we have grand plans and ideas about buying two duplexes so we can just put a door between the units, that may be a long way into the twisty toad...I mean road. So in the meantime, a bigger condo? A house with a few extra rooms? And how to explain to people who visit who aren't in the know? I mean, currently, we live in a two bedroom with kids, so there's no “guest room,” and family might have some serious questions and weird responses.

But at home (despite me being a super recluse) the moments we three share... it's very comfortable.

There's something right happening.