Biggest Surprise Present Ever!

Shock. Surprise. Desperation. Fear. Awe.

All feelings i experienced in the last several weeks. In the course of moments. Every day.

While i never shared the birth story of our kiddo with the kink community, it define(s)(ed) - (as i'm not sure which tense is truly correct with the new information) - my experience as a parent. The birth of our munchkin in 2007 was traumatic for me, to say the least. It wasn't the natural, beautiful, woman-hood embracing experience i'd hoped for. Hence, my hope that Master-Reaper would be satisfied with one child. He was; though both of us often looked fondly at munchkin's infancy pictures and thought of how precious those moments were, how beautiful...

(A brief interjection to comment that my first pregnancy was awesome. i knew i was pregnant before the pregnancy test, i felt pregnant, and it was awesome - i even embraced my "morning sickness" which really lasted all day, and my only significant symptom until the weeks leading to munchkin's birth.)

Four years later, and America's insistence that the only forms of birth control which are readily available without jumping through hoops is abstinence or condoms (both of which i seem to frequently have bad reactions to) led to the events that have caused my emotions to run through cartwheels.

In March, due to the county clinic being overrun and understaffed, i was unable to continue low-dose birth control pills. Because they made me feel awful anyway, i figured this would be a good opportunity to see if my body could self regulate again. (let me just say, i will freely admit that i'm an idiot sometimes.)

i didn't have a cycle that month (when i say i didn't have a cycle, i mean - possibly TMI - there were no signs of ovulation, menses etc.); so i took a pregnancy test, with a negative result. "Whew! Of course, it took Master-Reaper and i years to conceive our first child. i'm sure i'm not going to get pregnant at the drop of a hat," i thought.

i didn't have a cycle in April. i figured it was just because my back was in poor alignment. That'd happened before. i felt absolutely normal, other than my spine running along like a zig-zag.

i didn't have a cycle in May. i figured it was just the stress of finishing school and finding a new place to live more than 60 miles away from the current residence. i felt absolutely normal, other than i wanted to pull out my hair.

i didn't have a cycle in June. i was ill, had the worst fever ever, in the midst of a run of 100 degree temperature days. Our munchkin was sick too. Besides being feverish and disgusted with the flavor of water, i felt absolutely normal, and attributed the missing period to illness (that's happened to me before, after all).

i didn't have a cycle in July. i started having night sweats. i was starting to think that my experience with munchkin's delivery and the birth control had spurred a possible early onset of menopause. "That'd be nice," i thought. "i hate periods!" Beyond the night sweats, i felt absolutely normal.

August freaked me out. i felt normal, but by the last of the month, still no signs of anything remotely like a cycle. So when September arrived, i attacked it with another pregnancy test, so i could take it to a clinic and say "What is wrong with me? Do i have cancer?"

And got a Big Fat Positive.

But.

But.

i didn't feel pregnant. i didn't look pregnant.

Somewhere between late 2012 and early 2013, there will be a munchkin number 2. Master-Reaper and i are . . . Shocked. Surprised. Desperate. Fearful. Awed.

And i'm in love with the little secret, who made their presence known only after the pregnancy test, with a swift and significant jab to the ribs. It's a sneaky and resilient babe, much like its father, and has all the indications of being as healthy and perfect as munchkin number 1. While definitely unplanned, and will have an impact on how often i'm able to attend the local scene (boo), Master-Reaper and i are looking forward to welcoming munchkin number 2 into our arms...

Awesomeness and suckage

Whew! What a wild, wild ride. We're slowly unpacking only what we need to unpack. We're debating on where we ultimately want to be, although the spot we landed in (at literally the last possible moment) is pretty flippin' awesome - other than the fact that we have no AC or ceiling fans. 

Throughout the move, i did my best to keep up with Master, plugging away, trying to haul in box for box, at least, if i couldn't manage the few pieces of furniture we did bring with us. We're not on the third floor or anything, but a half-flight to our front door, which is alright. But there is a full flight inside - we scored a pretty awesome little town home style apartment. So my knee, long damaged from my gracelessness and pavement, is adjusting. i digress, though. In the midst of the move, i did not drink enough fluids. i let myself get way too hot, way too stressed out, and wound up with a case of heat exhaustion. Master took pity on me and told me to take it easy. So on the days i felt pretty good, i'd do a little organizing, try and improve some of the flaws (like lack of curtains).

And Master and i had lots of awesome sex the first week we were here. i think we nailed 8 days in a row, technically speaking, though a lot of our toys weren't accessible, so it was very verbal, but very awesome and so, so sexy.

But then, i felt miserable; my core hurt, my legs hurt, my knees hurt, my head was throbbing, and despite the fact that it was around 90 degrees or better, and i was wearing as little clothing as possible - i got goosebumps and was reaching for a fleece blanket. Master didn't like it.

Another step forward.

Early this month, i completed a journey. Roughly 2 years ago, Master allowed me to return to college, and this time, i actually finished the program i set out to complete. Er. Well, an equivalent program, anyway. (i returned to be a nurse, but frankly, i wouldn't trust me with a needle, and daymares of what i must have looked like in the OR as a patient made me change my mind.) Regardless, i walked across the stage, took that little piece of paper, and as soon as i saw Master, put it in His hands. It was something i worked hard at, for Him, because it was something He allowed me to do for me. His GPA continues to outshine my own, but i came close!!

And while that is done, we are scrambling, desperate to relocate. While i have loved the region in which we live, Master has not been as fond of it, and it is time for a change. We have both been seeking new opportunities in the region we'd rather be, and continue to look for housing. Ultimately, we're very picky. We've been spoiled by the opportunity to rent a full blown house with a full blown yard (cheaply!), and looking at returning to apartment buildings is...well...(sigh). We're determined to make the relocation happen though.

So among the boxes, the house hunting, the barely-still-a-toddler with teenage ideas and behavior, we're still here. Still  squeezing in kinky things. Still stressed out. But moving forward, step by step.

Delirium

Yesterday did not go at all according to any sort of plan. Master woke up later than He had wanted to. The boy-child woke up sooner than i expected him to. And so the rest of the day was kind of full of unexpectedness. Master and i puttered about, He worked on painting some of His miniatures, i thought about going up to work on my own project to be near Him, but the dishes were calling and it seemed the perfect day to make homemade chicken soup (bestest homemade soup ever, Master said). So that's what we did. It was quiet, and fun, but not at all what Master had planned for the day.

As the day wound down, Master and i began to feel tired, and worried that all opportunity would escape us. The boy-child was ridiculously excited and bouncy (his birthday is coming very soon, i think that may have some influence on the recent over-excitableness), and we were holding little hope in our hearts. Suddenly, i realized it had gone quiet. As we looked into the child's room, we saw that he had tucked himself in (dawwww! Cutest thing in the world!) and gone to sleep after all.

So. It has been a little too long between my posts. (sadface) Life is crazy, and the life we lead seems to occasionally compound its complexities.

It's highly frustrating to me, sometimes, to be so utterly dependent upon Master for so many things. For example, it's against the rules for me to have any kind of sexual release without His prior permission. For as shy as i still am about things related to sex, it makes it difficult for me to get up the gumption to ask for permission.

Combine that with the fact that there is very little time for me to do anything but the basics of survival between my homework and raising our son, and that results in 1) no time to ask, 2) no courage to ask, and 3) no time to accomplish said release if i was brave enough to obtain permission anyway.

This is not to say that Master doesn't consider my needs. He considers that -- and frequently asks me to cum on command, which i am capable of doing.

Yet.

It. Is. Not. The. Same.

Or really even satisfying. It ramps up the need i feel to be under His boot, be tormented by His hands, His mind, and find myself to be deliciously small and worthless as He fills His needs.

Which is one reason i am perpetually grateful for my Master -- because when we do get the chance, He knows exactly how to go all out. With or without the toys.

When we do get the chance, it is often hard for me to make an accurate accounting of what we did here, on this blog, because my brain is so fuzzed with delight, the animal sense of carnality, that words and congruity are beyond my own capabilities.

Whether He hurts me or is kind to me, i cannot help but be driven to that animal mind, that place where the reality of the world doesn't apply anymore. Whether He delights in my pain, delights in a moment of my (sometimes fleeting) masochism, or if His purpose is to deliver bliss, or anywhere between, or if any of those things become blurred, i lust for those moments. If His purpose is to create useless anger in me, meek subservience, despair or joy, i lust for those times, too. Those moments where i am able to be the carnal creature He has made, the moments i feel completely and utterly at home.

But the in-between times? Regardless if they are a day, or near a month, they are too long, and it makes life feel too cruel. And that is supposed to be His job.

Little Glass Marbles...

If we could live in the fantasy that fills our hearts and minds, then jenpet would live in a perpetual state of metal restraints and chains, kept in a concrete cell or iron cage until needed to serve any of the infinite desires of my heart.
The realities of life however allow for very little. Even the most basic and practical of matters must, by necessity, be simplified to the utmost.

In our fantasy life, punishments would be a serious matter, punctuated by time for the naughty slave to contemplate the seriousness of her situation, preferably chained by a short length to the wall sharing quality time with the intimate implement of her coming punishment just out of reach yet imposing. The bondage, slow and methodical, each strap inescapably sealing her fate. The infractions laid out, each counted and addressed, her knowing full well the why of her correction. Then the punishment itself, harsh, measured, each strike counted by the girl with tearful sobs. There would be an aftermath, jenpet on her knees, kissing the implement and my feet in gratitude for the TLC (tender loving caning) and the chance to be corrected to become better. Then swept up into my arms to be held and reassured that she is a good girl and that all is forgiven. Ah fantasy, my dear friend and frequently absent companion.

The reality of our punishments are far less impressive. Quick swats taken in stolen moments of the child's naps, a frantic attempt to maintain some semblance of correction for forgotten infractions.
Nothing like telling the slave, "now, you've been a naughty girl."
"What have i done, Master?"
"Oh... you know... that thing the other day... Yeah that." SWAT!

Yet, we find a way. A simple method for marking infractions to be dealt with later? A glass cup filled with glass marbles, one marble for each infraction. Tonight, we had the opportunity to catch up on some of these marbles. With the little one down, we rushed upstairs, quickly bound the girl up, and got a start. Oh there was tearful counting and the loud slap of the paddle. Thirteen strikes to bring the girl back in line and empty the cup.

We do what we can and though its not easy, if it were would it be worth doing?