So. It has been a little too long between my posts. (sadface) Life is crazy, and the life we lead seems to occasionally compound its complexities.
It's highly frustrating to me, sometimes, to be so utterly dependent upon Master for so many things. For example, it's against the rules for me to have any kind of sexual release without His prior permission. For as shy as i still am about things related to sex, it makes it difficult for me to get up the gumption to ask for permission.
Combine that with the fact that there is very little time for me to do anything but the basics of survival between my homework and raising our son, and that results in 1) no time to ask, 2) no courage to ask, and 3) no time to accomplish said release if i was brave enough to obtain permission anyway.
This is not to say that Master doesn't consider my needs. He considers that -- and frequently asks me to cum on command, which i am capable of doing.
It. Is. Not. The. Same.
Or really even satisfying. It ramps up the need i feel to be under His boot, be tormented by His hands, His mind, and find myself to be deliciously small and worthless as He fills His needs.
Which is one reason i am perpetually grateful for my Master -- because when we do get the chance, He knows exactly how to go all out. With or without the toys.
When we do get the chance, it is often hard for me to make an accurate accounting of what we did here, on this blog, because my brain is so fuzzed with delight, the animal sense of carnality, that words and congruity are beyond my own capabilities.
Whether He hurts me or is kind to me, i cannot help but be driven to that animal mind, that place where the reality of the world doesn't apply anymore. Whether He delights in my pain, delights in a moment of my (sometimes fleeting) masochism, or if His purpose is to deliver bliss, or anywhere between, or if any of those things become blurred, i lust for those moments. If His purpose is to create useless anger in me, meek subservience, despair or joy, i lust for those times, too. Those moments where i am able to be the carnal creature He has made, the moments i feel completely and utterly at home.
But the in-between times? Regardless if they are a day, or near a month, they are too long, and it makes life feel too cruel. And that is supposed to be His job.