Admitting Wanting

Hi folks! Trying to be semi-regular with our video blogs, so here's our third edition. Master's still trying to come up with a subject for His audio or video (not sure which He'll do yet) so if you have any suggestions, feel free to leave 'em in the comment section, or over on FetLife.

Remember, my video blogs are about how i work, how i think, and how we work...It's not about the general BDSM community, or how folks new to their own dynamics should force their roles into the ones that Master and i share. It's about us.

Please do feel free to leave us comments! You may also watch our videos at the source by going to blip.tv.

20 Questions

Today, i'll be sharing a meme that is making its way about the blogosphere. Seeing as there is only *gasp* one day left in 2009, it seemed kind of like it would be a good and fun post to end out the year on. We did have more posts this year than we did in 2008 (even if you only count the 2009 posts from March to December) so i am proud of us for managing to post more frequently, even though we didn't post as often as we would have liked.

1. Your role?

i am the property, the object that is owned...

2. Current relationship?

To my Master, my Husband, whom i have been in this relationship for almost 12 years.

3. Your favourite type of play?

Oh, geez. How do i narrow it down? i love breath play. Water play is fun. Bondage is awesome (though i admit i love leather more than i love rope). Torment of most sorts is pretty spectacular.

4. Your most hated type of play?

Impact play and pain play is often quite hard for me, though when they are over i adore them.

5. The most annoying habit of your owner/slave/whatever you call your SO?

These are the things that bother me...kind of small, really, but they do get under my skin. He doesn't talk enough during sex and talks too much during blow jobs. Master is also quite forgetful, which is cute, but also frustrating.

6. Your deepest fear?

The dark. Pitch blackness is terrifying for me. If there's a little tiny bit of light, it's all good, but like, a darkroom without the red lamp on? Scary.

7. Your most memorable public experience (or what you would like to do in public)?

Public experience? Not this year. Sad. Hopefully, we'll be able to find a way to get ourselves back into some public play, socialization... i miss it. Once we do? Donno. Show off Master's aweseomeness with rope? His beautiful flogging skills? That'd be awesome.

(Most memorable public experience ever? Probably our first one, a Halloween event with Denver PEP, nine years ago. i think we played throughout the entire night. Bondage, my first opportunity for girl-on-girl action, pain, pleasure...)

8. What gets you in the mood?

i think i kind of hover around being in the mood all the time. Things that put me out of the mood are lack of sleep, stress...but generally, i want to play and have sex.

9. Favourite method of masturbation?

This may seem really weird. But i don't like to masturbate. Sometimes if we know we aren't going to get an opportunity to play, i will ask, and i'll use the fastest method possible if He grants me permission.

10. Scariest thing you’ve seen or heard of in BDSM land?

"The whole hook suspension thing. Yeah. I’m so not going there." <-What Kaya said.

11. Number of hours you spend on iFet when you should be doing other things?

Too many, but less than i used to. i've never posted much, and i'm posting less, but i still "wander" around their servers longer than i need to.

12.Thing that was hotter in fantasy than it was in reality?

Sleep deprivation is still hot in fantasy. Right now it is not so hot in reality.

13. Most longed-for experience?

i really miss being caged and chained for extended periods of time. The purposeful separation is always difficult for me. But it is also quite grounding and centering.

14. Ouchiest toy?

i miss the evil plastic white spoon. But its ouch factor is outstripped by a tinsy-tiny dowel rod (you know, the kind you'll find in traditional cheap kites). That or the bamboo skewers. Those are pretty ow.

15.Book or movie that every newbie has to read/see?

i think it depends on the person. "Screw the Roses Send me the Thorns" was pretty useful... But my favorite was actually "Different Loving" because it really does demonstrate the wide variety of differences that exist in relationships - even in kinky ones.

16. Thing you’d like to change about yourself?

i think i could stand to loose some weight. Even though i don't like my voice, Master does like it, so...i guess we'll keep it.

17.Thing you’re most proud of?

i've made a lot of progress in the last year. i feel more grounded, more satisfied with more aspects of myself. i haven't let fear overtake me and fight for a way out.

18.Funniest dom name you’ve ever heard?

i guess i never really think about that...

19. Do your family and friends know?

Some members of my family suspect, i think, and let it be at that. Others don't know, and if i have my way, those members never will, because they can't look beyond their own prejiduces about kink.

20. Is twenty questions too many?

Nah. It was about right. And with that, i leave you to your new year's celebrations. May 2010 bring you all kinds of kinky happiness!

RDR...Now with Video!

As promised, we've gotten ourselves moving with the videoblog additions to Roles Defining Rules. If you'd like to watch them at the source, visit http://rolesdefiningrules.blip.tv.

Our first post is my re-introduction. Without further ado:

Frustration

Often, Master talks with me about how much our M/s relationship means to Him. It is at His onyx core ─ He is a dominant, a natural leader and very much likes things to go His way ─ and it's not something that He can set aside. He's not unkind or bossy, but when a situation is not under His control, His stress levels spike.

Sometimes in those moments when His dominant needs are not being met, He is unsure about my own stand on our M/s relationship, about how important my role is to me. But it is there, at my core, a smoky quartz encasing my self-identity. There is a need in me to allow Him to lead, to give Him everything, to sit quietly and wait for the moment i am needed. When i don't feel that Master has the situation in hand, i panic, i stress and i fret, scrabbling at the loose ends of the situation, trying to grasp at threads...Not so i may gain control of the situation, but so that i may give that back to Him.

At my core, while i am an opinionated girl, i don't want the control, i don't want to be the boss. i need Him to be our leader, to give in and trust Him, to follow and want Him to satisfy His kinks (which are also mostly mine, by good fortune). That core of my identity is important to me, and this recent trouble, well, it has caused enough frustration for Him and for me... It feels like half of our identities have been stripped away because all we can have is a bit of protocol and service...

Hopefully an answer is around the corner, so we can get back on track, so that He can fulfill His core (and mine), and we can put an end to the frustration...

i'd love to settle in for a few stolen moments of blissful pain and a nice fuck.

(sigh)

Assignments: Submission

Recently, with all of the upheval in our lives outside of Master's home, He has been trying to give me something each week to occupy my mind, to ground me and force me to really examine aspects of myself. In short, Master has been giving me more frequent writing assignments, which i am grateful for.

He's also been discussing giving me artistic assignments as well, though that is another subject for another time, perhaps.

The most recent assignment was an essay on submission, what it means to me, what i think about it, why i do it, what makes that submission stronger...stuff like that. He also told me to post it here, though, i honestly forgot to do so after i handed it to Master. It was an eye opening assignment for me, and i am beginning to see my motives in a clearer light. Without further delay, here is the essay, which i titled, for Master, "Submission: a life of subjection".

Slavery is definable as “submission to a dominating influence” and as i am a slave, submission is an important aspect of my condition. But what is my submission to my Master? Is it driven by external sources, or something found in my heart? Do the rituals we have enforce submission, or do we need to seek others to ground me in my place? Which work most effectively and what makes them so effective? What actions drive me to submit?

In reviewing online materials regarding domination and submission, an interesting thought presented itself: submission is about compliance. Compliance has to come from within. We are raised to think about what we want, what we are capable of doing and our own desires, but to begin to submit, compliance takes us away from those learned behaviors of deciding for our own. In finding this, i see that though my desire to serve, to submit, comes from an outside source, but my internal compliance is lacking. When i say that my desire to submit comes from an outside source, i recognize that it is not my nature to comply with someone else's whims, despite my desire to please. i am fierce and strong-willed, but i see rewarding joy upon my Master's face when i do submit and comply with His desires.

Moving forward, rituals that bring forward the submission ─ the compliance ─ that we have incorporated into our relationship become especially important for those like myself, who struggle with graceful submission. Rituals that we have included are the moments when i kneel to accept Master's collar, never turning my back upon my Master, and returning to His side on my hands and knees. As far as rituals that we do not currently employ that would enforce that desire to comply, to fully allow myself to return Master's gifts to His property with obvious devotion and servitude in return from His slave...words seem lacking, phrases to repeat loose their meanings in my own ears when spilled from my tongue and physical punishments lack positive connections, which are important to keeping the relationship healthy and happy.

Are the rituals we use enough? In some ways, they are. In others ─ moments when i become ungrounded, moments when i feel unimportant and rejected ─ i struggle to continue to submit with grace, even with the presence of those rituals. Would adding other rituals enforce the feeling of submission? i can't say that they would or they wouldn't. i can't say that i'm going to fall gracefully into compliance until i come to see myself in a better light, until i accept that the changes in our lives do not change who i am or who Master is ─ at least, i'm not sure the compliance will come without help in all situations. The current rituals do keep me slightly more mindful of my place, but as far as driving compliance into my slave heart, i feel that ritual ─ on the whole ─ may be lacking.

Beyond rituals, there is one other thing that i am aware of that moves me to submission. Compliance comes from me most easily after a period of discomfort. Feeling Master physically overpower me, being tortured under His hands, being brought to tears (though not necessarily with impact play), those things drive compliance into my heart like nothing else. Look at how frequently interrogation play sessions are turned to Master's advantage: in less than minutes, and Master has what He wants. And in games of “chase” once Master has caught His prey, is she not pliable, compliant and adoring?

As a brief, and related, aside to the above, the control of a 24/7 Master/slave relationship is important to me, as the structure creates an environment in which i can thrive. However, the aspect of the relationship that i find the most rewarding is the physical display of power, the physical power exchange. Compliance, from my heart, is a side effect of the physical actions within the relationship, and one that is greatly desired by my Master. Because it is so desired by Master, graceful and joyful compliance is also something that i wish to see in myself, more often.

In working on this assignment, i have realized that while i am beginning to recognize that i have no ability to choose anything but obedience, i often return to selfish thoughts regarding my own “needs”. In those moments, i become passive aggressive and willful, completely destroying my ability to submit and comply without negativity. In recognizing the failures of my own behavior ─ the resort to passive aggressive behavior in particular ─ i hope that i can rise above my selfishness and learn to comply and submit with grace more and more as we continue to work on building up our 24/7 M/s relationship, regardless of ritual or enforcement present (or absent) in our day-to-day lives.

Why i am His...part two

Master has always been there for me in my life, in one form or another. We met a long time ago (i'm under 30, and so if i say a "long time ago" i mean, more than 15 years ago) and He has always held a place in my heart as a friend. Being constantly aware that i am extremely lucky to have someone who knows me so well be my Dominant has boosted my ability to relinquish control.

Belonging to Master, i don't flinch when He calls me "whore," "slut" or anything that some might consider degrading, but i do blush. When someone outside of the relationship has called me such, i just raise my eyebrows. i know i haven't become desensitized to the words, because when He says them, they still have a huge impact on me, but in other mouths, they have become meaningless. Because i know that Master knows me better than i know myself, not only do those terms humiliate me, but they also, beneath the actual syllables, remind me of how much He loves me. As i said, He knows me better than i know myself, and in that, i find comfort and solace.

The relationship that we have together is a truly amazing dynamic, sometimes i amuse Him, others displease Him but i am always loved and treasured. Sometimes, i don't feel the love as much as the displeasure as i am extremely sensitive to His general mood, but deep in my heart, i cannot doubt that this Man, who i have known for more than half of my life, and belonged to for over a third of it, will always do His best to help me grow and love me.

i am aware of my flaws, and am sometimes ashamed of them. Master doesn't let me wallow in those feelings. "Who do you belong to, bitch?" He'll ask me. "If I didn't think you were worth anything, would you belong to Me?"

And in those moments, while i'm blushing, humiliated and trying to climb out of the pit of self-abuse, i know that Master is always working to build me up, to help me overcome the things about myself that aren't my best qualities. He tears me down so that i can feel His love, and builds me back up to fly through that love as a stronger person, better submissive and happier slave.

Because my Master knows me so well, i am worthless and yet treasured beyond the highest value. Because He cares about how i see myself, He shows me who i am to Him.

And that is also part of why i am His.

Why i am His...part one

Master and i were having a conversation the other day, spurred by a blog that i sometimes read about the why of our relationship and what makes 24/7 work for us. i am fascinated by how other people make BDSM relationships work for them, and know that not everyone can make 24/7 work...but i am glad that my Master and i are able to make it work for us...

When we first started dabbling in BDSM, there was a very separate distinction for me. Master was also my friend, lover, boyfriend and then husband, but never at the same time that He was Master – and then sometimes i would be His submissive, slave, toy and pet. For me, the lover couldn't exist when He wanted me to be His slave. i could, on occasion, marry the submissive with the lover, but, the BDSM lifestyle was very separate from what i could envision our lives being on a day-to-day basis. For me, it was just a little time to abandon reality.

It never was for my Master. For Him, He is always Dominant, always the Master and Owner and still the Friend, Lover and Husband.

In the long years of our relationship, i have come to see that i cannot break bits of myself off and leave them behind for a more convenient moment. We are what we are, whether we are Dominant or submissive, the Sadist or the masochist, and the like. All the time. At any given moment, whether i am making an independent decision or not, i still am, by nature, a submissive, who is collared and owned, who has a Master who makes her His slave, pet, toy and masochist.

Though i denied that the slave was part of the wife for a long time, she is. Denying that the worthless pet was part of the treasured lover, that the casual toy was also a beloved friend, was simply delaying the acceptance of who i truly am.

This is not to say that i am a diminutive personality outside of the home. Before i truly accepted that the smart, intelligent person that i am is also a whining, subservient bitch, i felt lost at every turn, every decision i had to make alone made my head spin. Now, though i am quiet and reserved, i am not afraid to voice my opinions, share my thoughts and make decisions. But only since i have accepted the fact that i am happiest when i am in some fashion, constantly under my Master's Domination.

For a time, until i could reconcile the fact that i am what i am, (after a complete rebellion against 24/7) what Master has quietly and gently guided me to, we tried “just in the bedroom” D/s. That was a disaster, because i wanted more when we were home together, not just in our bedroom. But not all the time, because, i still needed time to be His gentle, loving wife. So then we tried, “just when i was wearing His collar”. That was also a disaster, because, i would blur the lines when i wasn't wearing His collar, and then He would be Himself, and it was “too much” for His adoring lover. We also tried, “just when we were home” - another disaster, because i was still denying whole chunks of myself when we weren't at home.

After that debacle, Master essentially issued an ultimatum. Either we were going to fit BDSM into our lives, or we weren't. He was tired of me switching what part of myself He was interacting with at any given moment. It wasn't on and off for Him, and didn't think it was for me either.

i am now happy to say, that i am very much, a slave wife and all of the other things that i am, all of the time, despite my long denial of my true self. i am a slave girl, a toy, a pet, a wife, a lover, a friend, and a very grateful girl because her Master had immense patience on a difficult path, waiting for one very silly girl to accept herself.

From the direction which W/we come...

There are a lot of blogs out there, and some of the titles seem, well, “odd” to me, so i thought that i would explain why Master and i chose to call ours “Roles Defining Rules”.

Though i have known Master for most of my life and have belonged to him for nearly ten years, we, just like any other couple, went through a rough patch which brought us to the decision to visit a therapist a few years ago.

Fortunately, i found his advice to be helpful.

Unfortunately the therapist was not kink-friendly and he gave us a considerable amount of grief over it.

The root of most of the troubles Master and i were having in our relationship were traceable to a certain amount of melancholy funk that i had drifted down into, and had no idea how to correct. Never in my life did i consider that what was going on with our relationship was just me being piteous and selfish, but i was, and that was pretty much 90 percent of the problem. Thankfully, with the therapist's help, i was able to learn how to keep myself from descending too far into such moods, and am still learning not to be so selfish, and Master and i are going strong.

One thing that he had said during one of our sessions was that the kink (which, at the time was not quite a full 24/7 lifestyle) was actually damaging and contributed to my descending funks. That screamed “bullshit” to both Master and i. There is nothing right about ignoring desires, much less a significant part of who a person is. However, we knew we needed help, so we stuck with the therapy a little longer.

The therapist went on to say that the rules of life defined our roles. And that when i “allowed” myself to be bound, whipped or allowed my freedoms to be subjugated both Master and i were breaking the roles that we should be living. He said that Master was no longer my “protector, husband, lover and friend” when we partook in such activities, but a contributing source of my melancholy swings.

In absolute truth, that is the complete opposite of what goes on with Master and i. When i loose my focus, when i refuse to submit, to truly just sink into belonging to Master, the melancholy feelings drag me down and down and down until i am an absolute mess. When Master helps me remember that i belong to Him, that i am His to love, to subject to His whims, i am far away from those moods when the world seems to fall apart around me.

Only when i know absolutely, that things are outside of my control, when Master has everything in hand, when i have to trust, am i happiest. Only when He is what He is and i am what i am, are things right with the world and right in my head.

Since we truly gave into living the lives that we wanted to live, our relationship has grown stronger. i have fallen more deeply in love with my Master and the trust and respect that we have for one another is extraordinarily deep. And while a 24/7 lifestyle isn't easy, we found a way to make it work.

In our case, our Roles as who we are Define the Rules of our lives.

We don't allow the rules of life to define our roles.

If we did – i don't think it would work for us.

A little about Masterofslavej

I've been in the lifestyle for as long as I can remember; long before I was even aware that there was a term for it, much less an entire subculture. Having been married now for nearly eight years and having owned my submissive slave wife "j" for nearly a decade, with whom I truly started this journey through the world of BDSM and its varied practitioners, I feel quite like a veteran of the scene. W/we have frequented clubs and organizations, monthly play parties and have thrown a few of our own private meetings. W/we have played with many partners, each bringing a new slant or flavor to the overall picture of the Master/slave Dom/sub BDSM world, some novices needing to be broken in and some damned near professionals within the scene...

As all knowledge comes from personal experience, and nearly every experience in BDSM is truly exquisite, then my goal is to gain as much truly exquisite experience as possible. From a sampling of nearly every sweet and succulent type of female submissive to a broad pallet of bondage and torture techniques. I've been within the scene long enough to know, at least to a degree of what I have experienced previously, what I like and want to see more of. I am almost always open to new and different things and there are many things I have yet to try on the right willing submissive such as outdoor pony play...

I have experienced and tried a great many things through my years of play. Bondage of all types, mental domination, breath play, torture, sensitivity play, pet play, public play, cages, some water play, forced orgasms, etc. I have also gathered a nice collection of toys and implements over the years including paddles, cuffs, collars, chains, gags, hoods, crops, a dog cage, and the like. Some of the best play sessions though have proven to come from very little or simple toys and a lot of imagination. I have a taste for both intricate, involved scenes and simple scenes requiring nothing more than a slave and a chair...

My turn-ons are simple; a willing, submissive woman and anything involving that. Truly, the appreciation of lust and all it entails provides for interesting times. Everything involving the female form is just so enticing and it only gets better when that woman is collared and bound. Oh yes. Hearing a submissive woman utter the words, "yes, Master" cuts right through me...

A little about jenpet

Since we're just getting started with this thing (and it has been a long time coming) it is typically appropriate to introduce who, what, when (and sometimes why) at the very least. (Oh, i am a “punny” kind of girl.)

Though i didn't really know that there was such a thing as S/M or BDSM or M/s relationships, i've always gravitated towards the submissive, masochistic end of things. It's a wonder i didn't end up accidentally doing myself in as a child with clumsy self bondage... (chuckle)

Thankfully, i have known B for well over half of my life, and as a perpetual best friend who was always open to communication, renewing the friendship and longing for a future together, He has been a guiding light in my life. Interestingly enough, it was a silly game of truth or dare that clued us in to our mutual interests in what He knew of as BDSM and i thought of as “that thing which only exists in the dark”. Following that little game, as our relationship grew, blossomed and expanded, we delved into the fascinating world that kink opens to those who are willing to give in to their desires.

B and i are creeping up on ten years as Dominant and submissive - and eight years married - and in that time, we have made amazing self-discoveries, formed friendships and fallen deeper in love.

We participated in PEP (People Exchanging Power) made friends, visited other kink-friendly clubs (some of which have gone the way of the dodo, sadly), played at play parties, hosted a few friendly get-togethers, played with friends (who are still much loved, but distance now prohibits continued interactions) and grown leaps and bounds as Dominant and submissive, Master and slave, Sadist and masochist.

Without B, i would be lost. He is, as i said, a guiding light – i am thankful that throughout our relationship, He has worked so diligently with me. While i fit best into the submissive's role, sometimes i have difficulty in behaving as a submissive should. i am wild, willful and opinionated. Too often, i want things done my way, instead of His way, and have been known to throw a tantrum or two.

Of late, however, i am finding it easier to sink into that somewhat mythic place called “sub-space” and exist in the desires He has, despite my own thoughts.

Now, we are crossing into new territory, and are less timid about putting ourselves out there.

We are no longer newbies, and while there are still some concepts that terrify me, i am no longer afraid to put myself under His hands and in His thoughtful care. i am becoming more comfortable with who i am and less concerned with what people think of me.

i do think it is time for the world to look at BDSM and begin to understand that those who practice the lifestyle with as much care and concern as most of us do are not dangerous, evil or disgusting. i think the more of us “kinksters” who give voice to the community, perhaps those who we define as “vanilla” can see that what we do, is actually a healthy, open relationship.

So here we are...Letting others see our Roles Defining Rules.

And that's the who, what, when and why of it.