Goodbye, "no"

There's been a lot of stress flying around in the air here lately. Master and i have been going round and round about our worth, mostly how both of us feel like we're lacking in growth.

And that's a load, right there. Master and i have grown by leaps and bounds. We do things now that terrified me before, and though there are some aspects where there has been some atrophy, we both have matured, we've tried to grow together and we've done our best to embrace the whole of ourselves.

Ever since Master took me as His own, i have wanted to be the "perfect" slave. It's this ideal i have in my head, how i do everything He asks of me perfectly, never stopping what He wants, able to find sub-space-zen in even the most difficult tasks. But, shouldn't that come naturally for a submissive? Well...if i was submissive, maybe. But i'm not, i'm willful, opinionated and determined, though i crave the structure of being His slave. (i've talked about why i submit here before, and you can read that post here.)

It doesn't come naturally, i have a heck of a time setting aside the things i think and want when He asks me to do something. Sometimes, i accomplish it with grace, with little hesitation. But sometimes, it comes from the opposite end of the spectrum... As in, it doesn't happen as He expects it to, or at all.

The word "no" isn't one that supposed to fall from my lips when it comes to something He has asked of me. And yet, it has. Several times.

Each time, both of us retreat, wounded by my refusal to submit. It hurts Him because a million times over, this is what i have told Him that i want, yet, i refused His order. It hurts me because i don't want Him to be hurt and because in those moments, i am the one who is refusing to abide by the life that i need. It's not the same as cutting, but the amount of self-damage that is done when i say "no" is comparable.

Eventually, we'll talk it out, sort out all our hurt feelings, and find our way back to where we were. And that usually means, that despite the underlying issues, i have a penance that must be paid before both of us can move beyond the incident cleanly.

But there's still that idea in my head that i can be perfect, just waiting for a chance to rear its ugly head and help me derail everything that Master and i have worked for.

And it's time for the perfect monster to be destroyed. Time for me to really work on communicating, and remembering that the word "no" does more damage then asking for a moment to talk can ever do. Remembering that every moment that i submit, i am becoming what He wants me to be ─ and He never asked for perfect.

Why i am His...part two

Master has always been there for me in my life, in one form or another. We met a long time ago (i'm under 30, and so if i say a "long time ago" i mean, more than 15 years ago) and He has always held a place in my heart as a friend. Being constantly aware that i am extremely lucky to have someone who knows me so well be my Dominant has boosted my ability to relinquish control.

Belonging to Master, i don't flinch when He calls me "whore," "slut" or anything that some might consider degrading, but i do blush. When someone outside of the relationship has called me such, i just raise my eyebrows. i know i haven't become desensitized to the words, because when He says them, they still have a huge impact on me, but in other mouths, they have become meaningless. Because i know that Master knows me better than i know myself, not only do those terms humiliate me, but they also, beneath the actual syllables, remind me of how much He loves me. As i said, He knows me better than i know myself, and in that, i find comfort and solace.

The relationship that we have together is a truly amazing dynamic, sometimes i amuse Him, others displease Him but i am always loved and treasured. Sometimes, i don't feel the love as much as the displeasure as i am extremely sensitive to His general mood, but deep in my heart, i cannot doubt that this Man, who i have known for more than half of my life, and belonged to for over a third of it, will always do His best to help me grow and love me.

i am aware of my flaws, and am sometimes ashamed of them. Master doesn't let me wallow in those feelings. "Who do you belong to, bitch?" He'll ask me. "If I didn't think you were worth anything, would you belong to Me?"

And in those moments, while i'm blushing, humiliated and trying to climb out of the pit of self-abuse, i know that Master is always working to build me up, to help me overcome the things about myself that aren't my best qualities. He tears me down so that i can feel His love, and builds me back up to fly through that love as a stronger person, better submissive and happier slave.

Because my Master knows me so well, i am worthless and yet treasured beyond the highest value. Because He cares about how i see myself, He shows me who i am to Him.

And that is also part of why i am His.

Why i am His...part one

Master and i were having a conversation the other day, spurred by a blog that i sometimes read about the why of our relationship and what makes 24/7 work for us. i am fascinated by how other people make BDSM relationships work for them, and know that not everyone can make 24/7 work...but i am glad that my Master and i are able to make it work for us...

When we first started dabbling in BDSM, there was a very separate distinction for me. Master was also my friend, lover, boyfriend and then husband, but never at the same time that He was Master – and then sometimes i would be His submissive, slave, toy and pet. For me, the lover couldn't exist when He wanted me to be His slave. i could, on occasion, marry the submissive with the lover, but, the BDSM lifestyle was very separate from what i could envision our lives being on a day-to-day basis. For me, it was just a little time to abandon reality.

It never was for my Master. For Him, He is always Dominant, always the Master and Owner and still the Friend, Lover and Husband.

In the long years of our relationship, i have come to see that i cannot break bits of myself off and leave them behind for a more convenient moment. We are what we are, whether we are Dominant or submissive, the Sadist or the masochist, and the like. All the time. At any given moment, whether i am making an independent decision or not, i still am, by nature, a submissive, who is collared and owned, who has a Master who makes her His slave, pet, toy and masochist.

Though i denied that the slave was part of the wife for a long time, she is. Denying that the worthless pet was part of the treasured lover, that the casual toy was also a beloved friend, was simply delaying the acceptance of who i truly am.

This is not to say that i am a diminutive personality outside of the home. Before i truly accepted that the smart, intelligent person that i am is also a whining, subservient bitch, i felt lost at every turn, every decision i had to make alone made my head spin. Now, though i am quiet and reserved, i am not afraid to voice my opinions, share my thoughts and make decisions. But only since i have accepted the fact that i am happiest when i am in some fashion, constantly under my Master's Domination.

For a time, until i could reconcile the fact that i am what i am, (after a complete rebellion against 24/7) what Master has quietly and gently guided me to, we tried “just in the bedroom” D/s. That was a disaster, because i wanted more when we were home together, not just in our bedroom. But not all the time, because, i still needed time to be His gentle, loving wife. So then we tried, “just when i was wearing His collar”. That was also a disaster, because, i would blur the lines when i wasn't wearing His collar, and then He would be Himself, and it was “too much” for His adoring lover. We also tried, “just when we were home” - another disaster, because i was still denying whole chunks of myself when we weren't at home.

After that debacle, Master essentially issued an ultimatum. Either we were going to fit BDSM into our lives, or we weren't. He was tired of me switching what part of myself He was interacting with at any given moment. It wasn't on and off for Him, and didn't think it was for me either.

i am now happy to say, that i am very much, a slave wife and all of the other things that i am, all of the time, despite my long denial of my true self. i am a slave girl, a toy, a pet, a wife, a lover, a friend, and a very grateful girl because her Master had immense patience on a difficult path, waiting for one very silly girl to accept herself.