Wednesday, November 12, 2014


It's been an interesting few months.

Practically since we moved, Master had a good job and life was pretty awesome. We met pet, and she's fun, a bit of a bookworm, likes watching Doctor Who with us, and wonderful for Master. Then, his job became toxic. It seemed like it turned overnight, but really I'm sure it wasn't. Master talked with his bosses a lot, tried to make it better, took vacation time to try and soothe the bad parts of the job… Of course, it didn't get better. Master talked with me about the options – and I hated seeing him get sick, physically and mentally, for months, over things he couldn't change.

So he left the company. We have savings built up, and were sure a job would come as soon as we needed one to. It did. It’s a job – not nearly as awesome as the previous company’s client, but it’s a job. The best part was, we had a whole month off together. We crammed in as much fun as we could and tried not to stress the small stuff.

But Master’s back at work, and it’s hard. I’m angry because…I’m lonely. I still have not made any new friends here (I’m an introvert – and good at being introverted, which makes it very hard to make friends), I’m pagan (a lot of people here are not), and the people I am friends with…well, they aren't parents. Our youngest is starting to really enjoy self-entertainment, which means I maybe could do some painting…if there was space to do so, but logistics are against me – I am sure Master doesn't want his bed covered in oil paint and thinner. I feel too much hurt a lot of days (extended family sorrows), paired with hopelessness, and I know my fuse is short and grace is outside of my reach.

I feel bad because…this is not how I want to be. I want to fix the troubles I’m having, but I see no (current) solution…and so I go through the motions, and try to find a shred of grace for every moment…

I am lonely. And I withdraw more because my spark of hope is very small, and only have a few subjects which are pleasant to discuss. So I try and remember the positives: that Master and I did enjoy a whole month together with a number of kinky nights, that Master found pet, that there is a job that keeps the bills paid, that things do change and that leaves the possibility of better wide open.