Under pressure...

Some days, there should be a warning floating over my head. This whole "learning to have more grace thing" isn't going as well as i would like it to. Some days, i feel like i'm about to burst because there is so much that needs to be done.

We've mentioned before that i have gone back to college. As a full time student for the first time in ten years, and leaving the house on a regularly scheduled basis for the first time in almost two years, it's a little crazy for me. There are days when i have to talk myself into leaving our home. An inner monologue that sounds something like "Master thinks this is good for you. It'll be good for all of us in the long run. He wants you to go, so get out the damn door!"

Regardless, between homework, housework, playing with our kiddo, teaching kiddo the basics, and trying to make sure I meet as many of Master's needs as i can, i feel a little thin. i feel like i haven't had time to center myself.

So when my first tablet and new computer art program arrived, i was very excited and hoped to spend a few uninterrupted hours learning to use said tablet. (i guess i move the paper around a lot when i draw, because that's my biggest trouble translating from paper to screen.) But Master looked at me, and told me flatly that those uninterrupted hours would have to wait until i had done all the dishes that had stacked up over the last frazzling week and completed a test for one of my classes.

i knew He was right. Those things needed to be done. But i felt so sorry for myself ─ because nobody cares that i "never" get to do the things i want to do. i sulked, pouted and huffed out loud, while in my head i knew i was complaining about something i didn't want: fairness. i don't want it to be fair. And it wasn't fair of me to neglect those chores, or the school-work that needed to be done.

Master does His best to keep me on the straight and narrow. And even with His help, i stray.

Since the incident, i have had a few hours here and there spent playing with the tablet and program Master bought for me, and i don't feel sorry for myself. i'm frustrated because, yet again, i didn't compose myself with grace when Master reminded me of the order that needs to be kept.

Anger

It has been an interesting week. A week of contemplation. And it's been kind of hard.

Because of the drastic changes in our schedules (okay, so it's going on four weeks, but, i don't think we've fully adjusted yet) Master and i have had much less time than we would like to play together, to fully embrace our dynamic, our roles.

And while i'm still progressing in other areas, like domestic service, i feel like i'm moving backwards in other areas. i've crashed emotionally when we've had the chance to play during the day. And not in a good, "we played hard" kind of way.

Master chained me to the bed, face down, and i realized that the chains were not even lengths. And that frustrated me. Then Master put a noose around my neck (using a martial arts belt) and that made me panic. When He moved the chians so my arms were out to the side instead of to the top of the bed, i started feeling it.

Anger, boiling up out of my core. Red hot, violent anger. It was purposeless anger. But anger that completely colored the event. And it had nowhere to go. When Master started tapping my ass firmly with a small wooden dowel, all that anger became focused. Even though i love my Master with all of my heart, with every fiber of my being, for a moment, i hated Him.

It was a passing moment. It always is, when that anger comes rising up out of me. And when we push through it, when i'm allowed to fume to myself, all that purposeless anger gets burned away, and the love and adoration that i have for my Master seems brighter and stronger.

And here is where i am torn. i am property, and generally speaking, Master does not expect His property to have vehement reactions to His will. So how do i move beyond those? i am His property, but i think, i feel...no matter how hard i try not to.

In general, i am not an angry person. There are things that make me angry, yes, but i don't dwell in anger. But when it rears its ugly head, and for a moment, takes me from the place i want to be, i almost don't know what to do. When it's been burned away by Master's fierce love, i think i am better for it.

But i wish the anger never focused upon Him.

Frustration

Often, Master talks with me about how much our M/s relationship means to Him. It is at His onyx core ─ He is a dominant, a natural leader and very much likes things to go His way ─ and it's not something that He can set aside. He's not unkind or bossy, but when a situation is not under His control, His stress levels spike.

Sometimes in those moments when His dominant needs are not being met, He is unsure about my own stand on our M/s relationship, about how important my role is to me. But it is there, at my core, a smoky quartz encasing my self-identity. There is a need in me to allow Him to lead, to give Him everything, to sit quietly and wait for the moment i am needed. When i don't feel that Master has the situation in hand, i panic, i stress and i fret, scrabbling at the loose ends of the situation, trying to grasp at threads...Not so i may gain control of the situation, but so that i may give that back to Him.

At my core, while i am an opinionated girl, i don't want the control, i don't want to be the boss. i need Him to be our leader, to give in and trust Him, to follow and want Him to satisfy His kinks (which are also mostly mine, by good fortune). That core of my identity is important to me, and this recent trouble, well, it has caused enough frustration for Him and for me... It feels like half of our identities have been stripped away because all we can have is a bit of protocol and service...

Hopefully an answer is around the corner, so we can get back on track, so that He can fulfill His core (and mine), and we can put an end to the frustration...

i'd love to settle in for a few stolen moments of blissful pain and a nice fuck.

(sigh)

Forwards or backward?

We have been very quiet here. Not that things have been especially quiet with us, but none of it has made it to even the multitudes of drafts piling in our dashboard. Not to say that we've been having a BDSM free-for-all either, but, there have been some very intense scenes we have shared...

Why have i not written sooner? Because there is a lot of turmoil in me right now, and it has made me hold every moment we have stolen together, every scene we've shared, every "i love you, girl" that has fallen from His lips, very close to my heart. i have pulled myself behind a wall, and have been treasuring those moments, privately, unwilling to share.

In sharing, i have to reveal my turmoil, my struggle, and i am not sure i am ready for that. In fact, i am saving this as a draft, for my Master to review and publish at His discretion.

i fight Him, at every turn, at every movement forward on our path, and He often asks me "Do you really want to be My slave? Is this really what you want?" He has voiced the paradoxical question frequently, at every outburst, at every struggle that i present to Him, offering the one without choice a choice...

i do, despite my strong will, independent nature and other random issues, desire to belong completely to my Master. Yet, after coming so far, and evolving as much as we have ─ even entering a period where roles and orders weren't often challenged by poor behavior on my part ─ looking at where i am and my inner turmoil, i am disgusted.

Strangely, i know i am far better off than i was at the beginning of our forays into our Master and slave relationship. i know i have made progress, but i cannot help but be annoyed, disheartened, sorrowful, flat-out pissed, morose, enraged and disgusted by my behavior which brings Master to ask me that question.

For Master, there is no in between. He sees Himself always as a Master, one with a strikingly dominant personality. i too, see this in Him ─ He is dominant, desiring control and, from time to time, quite domineering. For me, there is no in between either. i have shed the skin of myself that can live without a Master and slave dynamic, i cannot imagine stripping our lives of BDSM, and the idea of such a life horrifies me...

Yet this turmoil prevents me from relaxing my grip on my perceived reality, keeps me trying desperately to hold on to what i cannot grasp and hinders forward progress on the path that Master has set before me...

i suppose, in time, in talking with Master, i will find my way around it, but the answer to the paradoxical question remains the same: i want nothing more than to be my Master's willing slave...