Saturday, September 19, 2009


It has been an interesting week. A week of contemplation. And it's been kind of hard.

Because of the drastic changes in our schedules (okay, so it's going on four weeks, but, i don't think we've fully adjusted yet) Master and i have had much less time than we would like to play together, to fully embrace our dynamic, our roles.

And while i'm still progressing in other areas, like domestic service, i feel like i'm moving backwards in other areas. i've crashed emotionally when we've had the chance to play during the day. And not in a good, "we played hard" kind of way.

Master chained me to the bed, face down, and i realized that the chains were not even lengths. And that frustrated me. Then Master put a noose around my neck (using a martial arts belt) and that made me panic. When He moved the chians so my arms were out to the side instead of to the top of the bed, i started feeling it.

Anger, boiling up out of my core. Red hot, violent anger. It was purposeless anger. But anger that completely colored the event. And it had nowhere to go. When Master started tapping my ass firmly with a small wooden dowel, all that anger became focused. Even though i love my Master with all of my heart, with every fiber of my being, for a moment, i hated Him.

It was a passing moment. It always is, when that anger comes rising up out of me. And when we push through it, when i'm allowed to fume to myself, all that purposeless anger gets burned away, and the love and adoration that i have for my Master seems brighter and stronger.

And here is where i am torn. i am property, and generally speaking, Master does not expect His property to have vehement reactions to His will. So how do i move beyond those? i am His property, but i think, i matter how hard i try not to.

In general, i am not an angry person. There are things that make me angry, yes, but i don't dwell in anger. But when it rears its ugly head, and for a moment, takes me from the place i want to be, i almost don't know what to do. When it's been burned away by Master's fierce love, i think i am better for it.

But i wish the anger never focused upon Him.

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