Fluid

The stagnation of our previous home has really become obvious in the almost month we've been in our new location. It's amusing, in a horrific sort of way, looking back, on how much we'd become . . . accustomed, i guess . . . to not having our needs met. But here, now, in the brief time we have been here, we've reconnected in a very deep way. i think (or at least if feels as if) we've had more sex in the last 20 some odd days than we had over the entire summer of 2011. Our relationship is more fluid, more full of life and vivacious once again.

Of course, here has its own new challenges, the balance of activity outside and inside our relationship, for example. We are much closer to people who truly share Master's interests, enabling Him to spend more time fulfilling those needs that i can't always live up to. i'm delighted, of course, but this also sometimes leaves me feeling a bit lonely. But, there have been more amazing moments of closeness, of fun, of sex, of silliness. i've been feeling more playful again, more likely to spark a moment of fun between us. The only unfortunate thing is, we no longer have a real place to store our toys, so they are still living in totes, which makes it an adventure in the dark, when i ask Master if He'd be willing to torture, tease or play with a particular toy, or if He's got a sudden craving to use a particular toy on me... Standing over the totes with the midnight light, moving the smaller totes and boxes, looking for the thing that has inevitably slid to the bottom of the 10 gallon tote that is, of course, on the bottom of the stack of toy totes.

Regardless, the massive amount of sex is revving my engine, and i am very much looking forward to our little getaway to a proverbial island of adult fun on July 13, 14 & 15. We are so excited to return to Thunder In the Mountains. (Plus, i read something about a "Puppy Pit" in addition to the Pony Track at the play party!! Hehehe!)

Another step forward.

Early this month, i completed a journey. Roughly 2 years ago, Master allowed me to return to college, and this time, i actually finished the program i set out to complete. Er. Well, an equivalent program, anyway. (i returned to be a nurse, but frankly, i wouldn't trust me with a needle, and daymares of what i must have looked like in the OR as a patient made me change my mind.) Regardless, i walked across the stage, took that little piece of paper, and as soon as i saw Master, put it in His hands. It was something i worked hard at, for Him, because it was something He allowed me to do for me. His GPA continues to outshine my own, but i came close!!

And while that is done, we are scrambling, desperate to relocate. While i have loved the region in which we live, Master has not been as fond of it, and it is time for a change. We have both been seeking new opportunities in the region we'd rather be, and continue to look for housing. Ultimately, we're very picky. We've been spoiled by the opportunity to rent a full blown house with a full blown yard (cheaply!), and looking at returning to apartment buildings is...well...(sigh). We're determined to make the relocation happen though.

So among the boxes, the house hunting, the barely-still-a-toddler with teenage ideas and behavior, we're still here. Still  squeezing in kinky things. Still stressed out. But moving forward, step by step.

(bleep)

 *sigh*
Master and i don't want this to be a negatively filled space. But...things are...challenging at the moment. There's the daily frustration of tedious and annoying issues that face every family. Our kiddo is a ball of bouncing energy, who is far to smart for his own good (or ours). Extended family struggles. The economy continues to take its toll. There is an open door, or window, depending on one's perspective, but right now, it's really hard for Master and me to remain positive. If one of us is managing to claw our way out from under the dark clouds, then the other is sufficiently dampened by said clouds. The most likely event is that we're both standing underneath the storm on opposite sides. Together, but not close enough for us to dispel the low feelings we share.

We desperately need time together, but there's a level of hustle and bustle that keeps that from happening on a significant level...And despite Master and i making a show in the (semi) local scene in February, we didn't make it in March, nor does it look like April will happen for us either.

i'm wound up and stressed. And i keep sticking my (bleep) foot in my mouth.

i've very nearly got my AA in Master's hands, and that alone has created a bit of hurt in my heart. i keep my head down, do what needs doing, and  am not as student as good as Master was. But i somehow keep getting attention. Good attention. But i don't want it. i just want to do what i need to do and go home. But Master says "I'm proud of you. I want you to do this." So i do it, because i was told to. So why did they not give Master the same attention while He was there? Why do they lavish all of this unwanted attention on me? i don't like it. i really don't.

And then i say stupid things to Master.

And so i say (bleep) repeatedly, and am going to go have a cry.

2011

Wow. New year, another year older, and still plunking along.

i'm on the mend, the last of the cold finally lifting, my shoulder/back pain beginning to let up, and hopefully, Master and i can squeeze in some serious fun before school starts again in 11 days.

A lot of things that we were hoping to accomplish while i was on break just didn't happen. It's been kind of aggravating in that regard. While Master noted that i mentioned an interest in getting back to the anal training, and supposed it was just so that i could get Him to drop it entirely, that isn't actually the case. While i'm not enjoying it, nor particularly thrilled about it, it's something that He has asked (told) me to do...so i'm doing my best to give it a fair try, to not whinge about it, and otherwise comply with my Master's orders.

And while nothing fun has happened since last year (whine) i'm riding that horrible edge of need, and thinking of all the lovely cruel things Master is capable of, and knowing that if we get a few hours to ourselves, He will do them and i will wonder why i wanted Him to do those horrible things while He's doing them. Afterwards, i'll know why. But during, not so much. i've been fantasizing about electrical play, canes, paddles, playing cards and clothespins, rope, leather, chains and the inability to answer the infernal questions He asks after He's gagged me...

(sigh) Maybe soon.

i'm sure you'll notice the changes to the blog's design - i like playing with layouts, and was looking forward to a change, and with the new year, it seemed a great time to change it. Now, if Master doesn't like it, well...you might see a few more changes.

Delirium

Yesterday did not go at all according to any sort of plan. Master woke up later than He had wanted to. The boy-child woke up sooner than i expected him to. And so the rest of the day was kind of full of unexpectedness. Master and i puttered about, He worked on painting some of His miniatures, i thought about going up to work on my own project to be near Him, but the dishes were calling and it seemed the perfect day to make homemade chicken soup (bestest homemade soup ever, Master said). So that's what we did. It was quiet, and fun, but not at all what Master had planned for the day.

As the day wound down, Master and i began to feel tired, and worried that all opportunity would escape us. The boy-child was ridiculously excited and bouncy (his birthday is coming very soon, i think that may have some influence on the recent over-excitableness), and we were holding little hope in our hearts. Suddenly, i realized it had gone quiet. As we looked into the child's room, we saw that he had tucked himself in (dawwww! Cutest thing in the world!) and gone to sleep after all.

still here...more so, in fact

Hey, is it just me or is it cold? Oh, right, it's December. Normally there'd be snow on the ground by now, but with one little weenie dusting of snow thus far, it's easy to forget. It is cold here, though, and i will admit, i am a Colorado native who hates the cold...

Regardless, the Winter Break has begun, and i have been more subject to Master's whims than i have in quite a while. This includes, but is (definitely) not limited to, this whole business of trying anal. (Would that be considered the a.v. card?) i am admittedly, a bit grouchy about the whole business. i've never been at all interested in anal -- after all, my cunt is pretty damn close to perfect (had more than one gyno say so, anyway, and i'm rather fond of it myself), and it functions excellently during sex. But, anal is something that Master has deemed important. And so, i am doing my best to follow along with this plan of His, and trying very hard not to be snarky or angry about it, though at moments i certainly fail. Thus far, i haven't found it particularly enjoyable, remotely pleasurable, or entertaining, but Master has asked me to give it an "honest try" and so i do.

Otherwise, it has been rather nice to be able to spend so much time with Master, snuggling with Him, talking with Him, being used by Him, and in general, being near Him. It's a bit of an adjustment, as Master and the boy had their own little routine and now we're tumbling everything about trying to make sense of it as a family for the month i'll be free of school work. Not free from anything else though! (lol)

i'm sure, that as the time progresses, i'll be back to make more posts, eventually come up with something to say, and in general, be a bit more active on the blog and at FetLife (provided Master permits either), but for now, that's the short and long of it.

If i don't manage one more post before you all get your holiday plans underway... Happy holidays, and by that i mean specifically the holiday you celebrate this season. ;) :P

Hi there!

Ugh. All this stress and school. i mean, i'm enjoying the education, and in the long run, it will work out for our benefit. But some days it is really hard to cope, between the toddler, school and Master's demands (which are really very minor during the school year).

But closer and closer the end of the semester looms, and maybe then we'll have a little more time, a little more freedom to fall in step with our kinky wants. Sometime soon, i hope Master and i get a chance to do a photo set within one (or more) of our scenes. Kinda prove we're still here, you know? (And maybe show off my new haircut! i cannot believe Master let me do it - it is the most awesome haircut ever!)

And maybe i'll actually have time to blog about all the kinky stuff.

So. It has been a little too long between my posts. (sadface) Life is crazy, and the life we lead seems to occasionally compound its complexities.

It's highly frustrating to me, sometimes, to be so utterly dependent upon Master for so many things. For example, it's against the rules for me to have any kind of sexual release without His prior permission. For as shy as i still am about things related to sex, it makes it difficult for me to get up the gumption to ask for permission.

Combine that with the fact that there is very little time for me to do anything but the basics of survival between my homework and raising our son, and that results in 1) no time to ask, 2) no courage to ask, and 3) no time to accomplish said release if i was brave enough to obtain permission anyway.

This is not to say that Master doesn't consider my needs. He considers that -- and frequently asks me to cum on command, which i am capable of doing.

Yet.

It. Is. Not. The. Same.

Or really even satisfying. It ramps up the need i feel to be under His boot, be tormented by His hands, His mind, and find myself to be deliciously small and worthless as He fills His needs.

Which is one reason i am perpetually grateful for my Master -- because when we do get the chance, He knows exactly how to go all out. With or without the toys.

When we do get the chance, it is often hard for me to make an accurate accounting of what we did here, on this blog, because my brain is so fuzzed with delight, the animal sense of carnality, that words and congruity are beyond my own capabilities.

Whether He hurts me or is kind to me, i cannot help but be driven to that animal mind, that place where the reality of the world doesn't apply anymore. Whether He delights in my pain, delights in a moment of my (sometimes fleeting) masochism, or if His purpose is to deliver bliss, or anywhere between, or if any of those things become blurred, i lust for those moments. If His purpose is to create useless anger in me, meek subservience, despair or joy, i lust for those times, too. Those moments where i am able to be the carnal creature He has made, the moments i feel completely and utterly at home.

But the in-between times? Regardless if they are a day, or near a month, they are too long, and it makes life feel too cruel. And that is supposed to be His job.

Not vanished...

We're still around.

Really. We're settling in to our new place very well, and despite the strangeness of the last few months, have had opportunities to get our kink on. In fact last week, we had four days in a row where we had more than just quickies!

i even had a bruise or two on my bum (which never, ever marks easily, despite the patchwork of bruises on the rest of me from my clumsiness), a few odd bruises and rope burns on my breasts and sore ribs and tummy muscles.

The downside to all of this is that we still don't have intarwebs in our home. i am missing blogging, reading blogs, FetLife and the other numerous time wasters the internet provides. But i've enjoyed spending more time reading some of my favorite fiction books.

But here things are settling, returning to some semblance of normal, i'm feeling secure as property, and we're enjoying all of it... But next week we unsettle all of that again, Master has agreed to let me continue with college. So off to classes i go. With the hope that we can continue to build on what we have now, that the kinky fun won't disappear, that i'll still be satisfied in my place as His property...

And we will be back as soon as we can. Lack of intarwebs is sad. (Master misses His porn.)

Upheaval

As i mentioned in my last blog, we're moving. Big stress. Big crazy.

This also means we're leaving our DSL behind and are planning to get ourselves settled, back into routine, back to being Master and slave without having niggling anxieties eating away at the slave part.

We will be able to occasionally visit the web and hopefully update everyone on what's going on with us, the progress that we make returning to a more centered M/s lifestyle...but i can't predict how often, as it won't be our intarwebs.

We may choose to get our new intarwebs service hooked up sooner than i think.

But, in the meantime i do have a few blogs that are supposed to pop up occasionally throughout the month.

Meantime, have fun, play nice, and know we'll be back with some interesting new materials.

P.S. When i say "play nice" i mean, rock your socks off and do all the horribly wonderful kinky/sadistic/masochistic things you're inclined to do whenever you have a moment.

Stress

May has been complicated. Expecting things to ease up at the end of the semester was a bit of a mistake. It obviously didn't, and both Master and i have been on edge because we're moving. Not really where we want to, but it's a step up from where we are, despite the location.

my anxiety levels have been out of control. i continue to feel anxious, on edge and frustrated. And the heat doesn't help either. See, Master and i have gotten spoiled by having a wonderful air conditioner...and despite our move being a step up, the little place doesn't have an air conditioner. So, despite the heat, we've resisted the urge to flip the switch and learn to deal with the heat while we pack our items for the big move.

Having most of our goods packed already has been difficult. When opportunities arise, knowing that most of our toys have already been packed is like a blow to the gut. Takes the wind out of (at least, in my case) the sails. Lusting for things that are packed tidily away. Phooey.

Soon, soon.

Bricks...

So. Things got drastically busy. They always do. i don't know. i'm really enjoying college, it's interesting. But i can't help but think that it is kind of a goofy thing for me to be doing. Don't get me wrong, i love the stimulation, the interest i have in my courses. But why? What i really want from life is for my Master to be happy. A (new) career for me probably won't do that. i mean, we've already been there and done that, so are we going to go there and do it again? Seems so strange...

i don't know. i feel at odds with it. Maybe the day is coloring my opinions some, as it really hasn't been the best. i feel guilty when something i'm supposed to take care of normally gets put off or left to Master. Some things, it's not a huge deal if they wait (like dishes...those will still be there), but in regards to our kiddo. Master is not a morning person, so when the wee one thinks everyone needs to be awake at six and i have to leave for class, i feel horrible.

Master and i talk about it frequently (every week?) and He keeps stressing that college is something He's allowing me to do, and until He tells me not to do it anymore (or i finish) i'm not supposed to fret about the time it takes away from Him.

Today i just feel like i'm bashing myself up against a brick wall.

Stolen time

We've been terrible about posting.

And, though we've still gone about our business, been who we are, there hasn't been a lot of time for us to run our kinks in the foreground of our lives. Sad! There are still the subtleties of our Master and slave dynamic, but we haven't had an opportunity to really scene for a while. This is, of course, taking its toll on both of us. Probably Master more than i.

But i miss that simplicity. While me going back to school for a new career makes financial sense for us, it's really hard for Master because i have so much homework, Master feels that i have been stolen from Him. Or at least the time i have has been subverted. It's a bitter cup to know that Master can't simply do everything He wishes, to put me at His feet, to confine me from the world because of this change.

i want that back. i do. i want to know that every second of my time is truly Master's. That there are no draws on my time that aren't what He wants from me.

But, because we are who we are, no matter how many different angles we look at our situation from, it seems our best choices, for our sanity, to succeed as who we want to be, all involve something taking my time away from Master.

Coming to terms with these things has been difficult for both of us. Master at least seems to be paying attention to these turmoils within Himself, recognizing how it is effecting Him. On the other hand, i seem to be shutting down parts of myself, entering another period of self-denial. i attempt to ignore the aspects of myself that cry out for Master to dominate me, to crush me beneath His heel. (Fail, at that, btw, for even subconsciously, i'm putting myself beneath the tread of His boots.)

Everything about our lives has been a steady stream of change for the last four years, if not the bulk of our 11 years together. Things are in constant flux, and we have found our way through most of it as Master and slave, but it has not been easy, nor has it been a clear road. We can only hope that through this next period of change we will hold tightly to the thing that has continuously brought us closer together, that is, being Master and slave, as we move through this change.

Thankfully, the semester is nearly over, so there will be some time that there will be no subversions of the time that belongs to Master.

In Flux

Though we've had almost ten years to establish our patterns, protocols and rules, they have always been in flux. Often, i challenge the things He wants (though honestly without meaning to). Our household, and the way we have run it, is another thing that is constantly in flux. Which quite obviously, contributes to changes in our dynamic.

Entwining real life and a 24/7 M/s relationship is always a challenge. Especially, when the parties involved are both opinionated and have their own ideas on how things work and who is responsible for what. (Yes, i am an ornery, opininated girl. Go figure.)

For example, i've never been great at managing household tasks, but even though i'm a bit of a recluse, i have been pretty comfortable working outside the home with other people. This is not the same for my Master. Though He was a bit...messy...in His younger days, He had a better grasp of managing to operate a clean home, but is rarely comfortable working outside the home with other people. So when i have thoughts about what should be where, when the dishes should be done, where things belong and how often the carpet needs to be vacuumed, Master has His own thoughts and it's often hard for me to come to terms with that.

Recently, i've had a bit more inclination to run a cleaner home (though i still have yet to figure out how to balance all the things that need doing) but, my skills outside the home may need me to leave the managing of a functioning household to my Master. As i know it is His least favorite task, i feel guilty for not being able to do a better job of it.

All this, leaves me in a state of flux - the reorginization of priorities and managing being away from home and yet, still manage to come home to Master and be His, without question and without challenging His systems. Despite the fluxes, i am sure that in time, we will again find a balance to our lives and our dynamic. But in the meantime, both of us are a little edgy, a little overly critical (okay, maybe i'm the one that's overly critical) and frustrated by the need for changes in rules and protocols.

Nothing in life is ever set in stone - especially not in a 24/7 dynamic. In fact, as of yet, i don't know if i will cease to be His stay-at-home slave or if i will have to balance a career and my slavery. Things may change tomorrow, or not for weeks, months or whatever time measurement is appropriate, but they may not change at all. It may be that my focus needs to continue to be learning to manage the home better than i have.

Whatever it takes, i want Master to be happy with me, in whatever situation real life and our 24/7 lifestyle require.