Thursday, April 19, 2012

(bleep)

 *sigh*
Master and i don't want this to be a negatively filled space. But...things are...challenging at the moment. There's the daily frustration of tedious and annoying issues that face every family. Our kiddo is a ball of bouncing energy, who is far to smart for his own good (or ours). Extended family struggles. The economy continues to take its toll. There is an open door, or window, depending on one's perspective, but right now, it's really hard for Master and me to remain positive. If one of us is managing to claw our way out from under the dark clouds, then the other is sufficiently dampened by said clouds. The most likely event is that we're both standing underneath the storm on opposite sides. Together, but not close enough for us to dispel the low feelings we share.

We desperately need time together, but there's a level of hustle and bustle that keeps that from happening on a significant level...And despite Master and i making a show in the (semi) local scene in February, we didn't make it in March, nor does it look like April will happen for us either.

i'm wound up and stressed. And i keep sticking my (bleep) foot in my mouth.

i've very nearly got my AA in Master's hands, and that alone has created a bit of hurt in my heart. i keep my head down, do what needs doing, and  am not as student as good as Master was. But i somehow keep getting attention. Good attention. But i don't want it. i just want to do what i need to do and go home. But Master says "I'm proud of you. I want you to do this." So i do it, because i was told to. So why did they not give Master the same attention while He was there? Why do they lavish all of this unwanted attention on me? i don't like it. i really don't.

And then i say stupid things to Master.

And so i say (bleep) repeatedly, and am going to go have a cry.

5 comments:

Aeon's Angel said...

I understand your feeling. A couple of weeks ago it semed that every time I opened my mouth my foot jumped in.

I wish I had magic words of wisdom to give you. All I can offer is to tell you to keep trying and communicate as best you can with your Master how you are feeling.

Good luck.

~Aa~

Masterofslavej said...

Thank you Aeon's Angel, that is very sound advice. We did have a chance to talk about her outburst the next day and uncover some of the motivating fears that caused her to lash out. The biggest of which, of course, stress.

Thank you for reading and commenting, it means a lot to us. Best wishes to you and yours...

Red Vinyl Kitty said...

::hugs:: To you. I didn't realize you guys were moving. That sort of stress takes such a toll on you, and combining it with all the other things that are becoming difficult I can only imagine how hard things are right now. I hope that things improve for all of you once your move is underway and things get more regular.

Thinking of you.

jenpet said...

@Red Vinyl Kitty: thanks sweets. hugs for you guys too. i'm hoping that things really start to get better for *everybody* soon. i'm sick of these storm clouds hovering over folks i know (and me! lol).

jenpet said...

@Aeon's Angel: Not sure why i can't get my feet to stay away from my face! lol. Hopefully i'll be more mindful of my stress levels and that will help.