Friday, April 20, 2012

Clash of the Titantically Stressed...

So yes, as we have stated a whole lot recently, it seems our lives are drowning in a sea of stress. A brief synopsis of our situation: an insomniac 4 year old, conflicting schedules (she with the early morning and I with the late nights), work stress, end of the school year and impending graduation, 1.5 months to the big move and still have yet to pin down a place to move to, changing careers and praying it holds, no real chances to play, and the ever present finances. Crazy, I know.

The worst thing we could do would be to turn on each other, and yet it seems inevitable that when people get super stressed they do just that. The girl got herself in some hot water the other day, mouthing off at the most opportune of times: right when I have to go out the door to my accursed job. Needless to say, regardless of the specifics of her tirade, I was in a cranky zone. Which was cemented in place by my very presence at work. For hours I mulled it over in my mind, dissecting every word of what she had said. Like trying to remove a catalyst from a solution during an explosive reaction, I tried and tried to separate the volatile emotions from the underlying cause of her rant. Why would she feel this way, what was making her say all of this? How could she be condemning me over things she had just paid me great compliment on the week before?

When I returned home, I was still livid with her but had a better grasp over the causes and the first rays of understanding started poking through the tempest of my displeasure. The girl apologized profusely and asked if I were willing to discuss the whole affair with her. I refused, knowing that I was still too angry for it to become anything other than a shouting match. I was tempted to chain her to the foot of the bed for the whole night with not but a foot of chain ensuring an uncomfortable and sleepless night, but then she had school the next morning and once again those obligations seemed to supersede my own desires. So I swiftly sent her to bed, tucked her in in my usual fashion albeit a bit cooler in temperament, and left her to cry herself to sleep.

Thursday, April 19, 2012


Master and i don't want this to be a negatively filled space. But...things are...challenging at the moment. There's the daily frustration of tedious and annoying issues that face every family. Our kiddo is a ball of bouncing energy, who is far to smart for his own good (or ours). Extended family struggles. The economy continues to take its toll. There is an open door, or window, depending on one's perspective, but right now, it's really hard for Master and me to remain positive. If one of us is managing to claw our way out from under the dark clouds, then the other is sufficiently dampened by said clouds. The most likely event is that we're both standing underneath the storm on opposite sides. Together, but not close enough for us to dispel the low feelings we share.

We desperately need time together, but there's a level of hustle and bustle that keeps that from happening on a significant level...And despite Master and i making a show in the (semi) local scene in February, we didn't make it in March, nor does it look like April will happen for us either.

i'm wound up and stressed. And i keep sticking my (bleep) foot in my mouth.

i've very nearly got my AA in Master's hands, and that alone has created a bit of hurt in my heart. i keep my head down, do what needs doing, and  am not as student as good as Master was. But i somehow keep getting attention. Good attention. But i don't want it. i just want to do what i need to do and go home. But Master says "I'm proud of you. I want you to do this." So i do it, because i was told to. So why did they not give Master the same attention while He was there? Why do they lavish all of this unwanted attention on me? i don't like it. i really don't.

And then i say stupid things to Master.

And so i say (bleep) repeatedly, and am going to go have a cry.