A fresh year...

Welcome to twenty-ten!

i have high hopes for this year, but no real resolutions. There are things i want to improve, for sure, but they are things that i always want. i want to become a better slave, be more pleasing to my Master and do better at the domestic stuff. i also hope to keep on top of the blog more this year, instead of kind of drifting along with it. But i'm not off to a very good start with it. i've logged in a few times and just can't really focus enough on the topics Master and i have listed for me to really make sense of them.

i want to stress, though, that what i write (and videoblog) about here, is what i think, how i think, and what works for us. Choosing to live in a BDSM or Master/slave lifestyle is a deeply personal thing. While a word can't be re-defined to suit an individual's purpose, there can be fine lines within those definitions.

Take my most recent videoblog, when i talked about not being submissive.

Merriam-Webster defines "submissive" as one who submits to others. i don't submit to others, i submit to one. There's a distinciton for me, because i am so strong-willed that with other people, i tend to drive things the way i want them to be. Because of that, i cannot see myself as submissive. "Submit" is defined as one who yields to governance or authority. i do that with my Master, but only with my Master. i submit to Him and obey Him.

For me, there is a difference. That's how the definitions fit me. They may not fit everyone that way, but its how the definitions fit my role.

Defining...terms

There are a lot of differing definitions in the world of BDSM. i have seen many people argue, debate or kindly disagree on the meanings of submissive and slave, subspace versus flying, Dominant and Master... At some point, i believe, each person needs to decide what their own definitions are, because really these relationships are a deeply personal thing...

While i truly believe that it is very important for each person to come to their own decisions about what a word means in their relationship(s), i thought i'd throw my two cents out there as far as how i define what i am, what Master and i do and how that leads me to feel about it all... Because i am not any sort of switch and have no desire to, i am going to leave out definitions of the Dominant - i simply have no base for reference, and i cannot define my Master. (grin)

The obvious, of course is submissive and slave. Personally, i'm still a little iffy on these definitions. For me, it now comes down to the fact that i belong to Master. i identify as a willful submissive - i'm bratty, yes, but i also do find satisfaction in pleasing Master, even in the simple act of opening a soda for Him, as He would do for Himself. However, because i have accepted His ownership, i am His slave. No longer am i simply the bottom to His Domly-self, but i have tried to give more of myself, to quietly accept His ownership and all that comes with it, be less the willful and bratty submissive that dwells in my heart. Sometimes i fail miserably at that, but i do try. The key difference here for me, is i may be able to submit to another, but i don't believe i could accept any other ownership other than my Master's. i have done a lot of soul searching about this, and i'm pretty sure that Master will be the only one i will ever call "Master" and mean it.

i have heard a lot of submissive folk refer to subspace as the place they drift off to in scene and post scene. That lovely place where endorphins carry on, lending bliss and sometimes memory loss to our recollection. i have never referred to those lovely feelings as subspace - it's what i call flying, because in those moments i am freed from all of the mundane worries, thoughts and feelings and let myself drift away, away and away in the sensations created by the scene. In these moments, words don't form on my lips, just a satisfied hum that lets Master know i heard. While i am floating out there, i feel freed from my body, floating on air, unfettered by matter though still able to feel the remnant sensations of the bondage, the pain and what-have-you.

My version of subspace is the part of me that is willing to submit, serve and please. It's the part of my brain where everything becomes erotic - once i am in subspace i am further from the normal limitations i experience, and free to enjoy everything around me. Master asked me which comes first, arousal or subspace, and for me, they are linked...one opens the door to the other, either way. If i read something that is arousing, i also find subspace, if i find pleasure in serving, i become aroused...

So that's a start. A tiny glimpse into the way i view the terms that define who i am and where i might go...