Ropes & Legs

A few weeks ago, we did a rope video demo to replicate a tie one of our friends on FetLife had seen. Doing the demo was so much fun, and the bondage felt really lovely. It was an interesting process, because for the demo, Master-Reaper tied it on me once before we began recording, took it off, recorded the tie, took it off, and then tied it a third time and took a few photos. Each time, i had the same leg in the tie for about 15 to 20 minutes at a time. i was impressed by it.

The next morning, as we were lucky enough to have the house to ourselves, with munchkin on an overnight, and Master-Reaper and i snuggled for a while, lazily working our way up to getting out of bed. i was feeling playful and sly, and so when Master-Reaper wasn't looking, i took two of His purple ropes downstairs to the  living room. After He'd eaten breakfast, He noticed them, and wondered if He'd forgotten to put them away. When He looked at me, He knew they'd arrived downstairs by other means. i don't play poker for a reason.

Eventually, somehow, through flustered, hot-and-bothered communication, i suggested that the tie we'd demo'd the day before was really comfy, really awesome and i'd like to try it again, on both legs at the same time... (If Master-Reaper turns down an opportunity to play with rope, He must be an impostor.) He decided to start the tie on my foot, as opposed to the ankle, and we cinched it a bit tighter than we had for the demo. Having stripped the use of my legs from me through this tie, it really helped me find that submissive, meek head space. We had really fantastic sex on floor pillows, and then snuggled there, my legs still wrapped in rope, watching one of our favorite shows (don't ask me what, because i don't remember!). It was really lovely, to just lay there, small, helpless, bound, in His lap.

Eventually, Master-Reaper said He wanted to fuck me again, which i thought would be lovely, but i asked if we could go to His bed instead (tender knees, you know!) and He told me He wasn't going to carry me up the stairs. Being my stubborn, determined self, i crawled up the stairs. With my shins bound back against my legs, it made it incredibly challenging, as there was no leverage to push my hind end up to the next step. When we reached the landing at the 14th step, i was panting . . . and dismayed by the height of the bed. Master-Reaper laughed at me, but helped me up anyway.

After, i was incredibly sad that the bondage had to come off. But rope bondage lasting over an hour is very nearly a record for me. And it left pretty marks!

An undignified title...

In other words: "squee!!" 

After Master and i attended Thunder in the Mountains last July, we realized (again) just how much we missed being part of the community. When we started out, we were regular attendees of the local PEP (People Exchanging Power), and loved it. We met great people, we had a lot of fun, and we really had the space to experiment with our play. We committed ourselves to finding a way to make ourselves part of the closest local scene again, and this month, we managed to fulfill our early 2012 resolution. The timing all worked out, and though we got lost in our once familiar haunt, we found ourselves at the door.

Inside, we saw familiar faces, and though the traffic and getting lost had left a smudge on our initial moods, watching others engaging in their own scenes lifted our spirits and our excitement and we started looking for a place to play. Master and i really were looking for space to play with the Victor Tella signal whips we picked up at Thunder, and of course, some room for some serious martial arts inspired impact play. It was pretty crowded, so we weren't sure we'd find just the right spot.

It worked out that as soon as Master and i were really ready to get the ball rolling, one scene wrapped up (and was unwrapped - a little rope-pun) and Master and i experimented with the available space. Though many people comment on our pictures over on FetLife about how sexy i am, and many people tell me in person, i admit i have body-hang-ups. Master talked me through them, and pretty soon, i was happily cuffed and Master was whipping away. He started out with the flogger, and though i know it, i don't really remember it clearly. i fell into the scene fast. Nothing remains but the memory of movement, a bite of the tails of the pretty floggers, and Master's gloves. But the Dragon Tongue i do remember; it's pretty red tail biting and "cutting" into my flesh, the way it would lovingly wrap around my ribs to bite the flesh of my breasts, licked around my hips, and landed on my calves. i remember stomping my feet, sometimes turning around to look at Master as the tongue licked at whatever new target i gave Him. i was deep into the sensations of it all. Deep into the energy changing hands between Master and i. He took my pain and devoured it. i took His cruelty and lapped it up.

Even though Master and i have found that i do appreciate the sting of the whips far more than i appreciate more of a thud against me; there is one thud that i cannot get enough of... The feeling of Master using His limbs upon me as weapons. i begged Him to skip the whips, to kick me. As He is ever so kind, He agreed, and re-positioned me so there would be ample room for His intentions. i remember counting two sets of ten, but Master wasn't done with just 20. When i couldn't remember how to keep counting, i was on the verge of good tears. As much as i would have enjoyed crying for Him, i enjoyed what came next at least as much. Now that there was no counting, i was just a punching bag. There was no time to cry, and all i could do was laugh and howl with the joy of the pain Master gave me. Master kicked me, front kicks, side kicks, round kicks...and His fists were a flurry as well. Punches, slaps, and i think i felt a few well placed ridge-hands, landed upon my back, ribs and thighs. my legs crumpled under me as Master used His knowledge of pressure points against me. Left with quivering legs, kneeling upon the floor, held upright only by the cuffs, Master landed a few more blows upon me.

He brought me water (we learned from Thunder...we had it in our scene bag, along with some emergency chocolate and one of my favorite blankets), and we cleared the space for the next players. Initially, i thought i'd want to just curl up somewhere and nurse my sore legs, but once i was following Master i realized that moving felt far better, and we wandered around to watch a few other players.  A good friend, one of our fist friends from the scene, was there and had his claws out. On my already sore body, they were almost like little single jolts of electricity.

Before long, Master and i were set up again, with His jute quickly wrapping around me. There's not a lot from this part that i remember well, either, because i was really just a happy puddle of lovely neurotransmitter goop. Master asked me if i wanted to walk around, but that was pretty beyond my coordination levels, so He bound me down and ripped a couple of orgasms out of my body.

When He'd let me loose, i was pretty quick to bounce back to being frisky, and running away after He'd threatened to spray cold water all over me...

Being there was really, truly great. Fulfilling. We met people, old friends and new friends; had great scenes, connected with our inner Sadist and masochist (well - His Sadist, my masochist) in a way we haven't been able to for a while, and had a grand time indulging in our desires...

It was absolutely, spectacularly, awesome.

The sex at the hotel after the event and the next morning was pretty awesome, too.

And. i who almost never bears marks on my legs, ass or back... Have marks lingering from the event, and a lovely, lingering soreness...

We're seriously looking forward to our next chance!

(taps fingers...)

The middle...and the end...

With our first 21 hours whittled away, Master fully intended to make the most of me and our remaining kid-free time. Since i'd been chained to the bed all night, i was feeling a bit stiff, and Master kindly allowed me to get up, stretch and make breakfast - you know, morning stuff. The downside of the second day was the absolute flood of endorphines. my memories regarding the next scenes are very fuzzy and vague. 

Once Master had enjoyed His sausage, egg and Munster burrito and i'd happily scarfed my dry blueberry wheat cereal, Master was ready for the fun to begin in earnest. More rope was applied to me, and i remember loops and loops around my neck, and my hands bound again to my feet as i sat cross-legged. Master used the GiGi on me again. It felt like He kept me bound there for hours, before He took me again.

Master allowed me another shower, and then wanted to put me in the cage again. We'd both enjoyed the extra harsh confinement of it the previous evening that we wanted to experiment a little more with it. Once i was warm again, Master took us upstairs, where he poked fun of me for being excited about the coming torture.  

Instead of head down and ass up in the cage this time, Master had me on all fours (well, as close as possible, given the natural smallness of the cage), and created another clever trap for me. He compressed my breasts with dowel rods on either side, kept me pushed "properly" forward by running a bar across the sweet spot of my ass, trapped my head between two dowel rods for a while, ran one across my back, so i couldn't push up, and two trapped my arms. Where the ass up and head down adventure the previous evening created long lasting fatigue in my hips, legs and lower abdomen, this new cage trap He'd devised created upper torso and arm fatigue (though there was some strain on the legs, it would have taken much longer to build up).

While i was trapped, at His mercy (and feeling oh, so helpless and objectified), Master again took the GiGi out and teased me to orgasm. If one has never experienced an orgasm in a strained, unnatural position - it's like a firework exploding in a steel drum. The reverberations of the big O wash back over you, because there's no way to move the muscles as you might have naturally. i remember being very fatigued and begging to be let out, or have bars removed. i remember Master saying (my favorite) "just another minute" a few times. i also remember i was not graceful, and had a flare of anger at the pain, and Master had to remind me to mind my behavior. 

i was relieved when Master began removing the dowel rods that had held me immobile. Then He demanded that i quickly squirm through the small door and into His bed for His use. i confess, i was sore and sluggish, but after an indulgent 10 seconds or so collapsed in a little heap, i moved as quickly as i was capable of to His bed. He fucked me again, and allowed me more orgasms, though i couldn't spring back up after sex. i was worn out, tired, used up, content and a little sleepy. Master indulged me, and let me lay in His bed, bundled up and covered in sticky.

He came up to remind me that He had to go to work that evening, and because i would be alone, i was to stay naked, work on the blog, was allowed to eat one burrito, and be kneeling by the door when He came home. 

When i finished the first post about what had transpired, i texted Master to ask if i could play Skyrim. He graciously allowed me to play video games while i waited for Him to come home. When He did arrive home, he found me naked, Xbox controller in hand, and semi-kneeling by the door as i had just unlocked it for Him. 

Very soon after He had arrived home, we fucked again, and very soon after that, me and my tired, swollen, well-pounded cunt fell asleep. i think Master played Skyrim before He chained me to the bed. 

When i woke the next morning, we had a scant nine hours left before the return to dreaded normalcy. You know, being not-overtly kinky. And wouldn't you know, my back, on this day of all days, decided that i needed not just lumbar vertebra out of place, but that some thoracic vertebra should be seriously dislodged as well. Laying in bed hurt, sitting in bed hurt, but i tried to be still and quiet so Master could sleep. He woke up anyway. He's either way tuned into me or i am not as quiet as i think i am. Probably both.

He took a bit of mercy on me, and sent me away from bed (after unchaining me) so that i could find something comfortable to do with my back and play Skyrim. (Master spoils me sometimes.)

He slept, and i fapped about in the video game. Not exactly what we'd pictured when we imagined more than 48 hours with the kiddo having delightful fun elsewhere.. But when Master woke up, He asked for a blowjob, so a minor delight was achieved. i continued to play the game for a while. Master read my first blog post, and when i asked what He thought, He threw His pants on the couch and proceeded to fuck me. 

It was glorious, and we loved living the dream, for a few days. (And our little person gave us hugs when he saw us, while we smiled at each other over his shoulder.)

The show begins...

Over the semester break, Master and i have had lots of things to do. Lots. We looked at the list and thought "four weeks should be long enough." We definitely got pretty close. Especially since we managed to score two nights of kid-free time. Even more awesome, it's been two nights in a row. 48+ hours of kid free time, during which, i've been kept naked, as pleases Master, and frequently bound, frequently taken and tortured.

Bliss!

We started off the kid-free time easy, seeing a movie Master and i wanted to see, during which Master infrequently threatened me with the thumb cuffs He was keeping in his pocket. When He wasn't threatening me, He had a firm grip on both my hands and frequently squeezed them in excitement and glee. As we left the theatre and began the trek home, Master slipped the handcuffs out of the center console and slapped them on my wrists, nicely pulling my sweater down to cover them, after which He also added the thumb cuffs. We laughed, i whined about the thumb cuffs, and Master laughed at me. He received some texts from a friend, and while He drove, i read them, and replied through dictation. It was pretty awesome. Then i discovered i could pop my right thumb out of the thumb cuffs. After a bit of joking, i slipped my thumb back in them so Master could snap a quick picture, and then the meanie reached over and squished the cuff down. By the time we arrived home, my thumbs were a bit purple. Master and i planned to play all night - after all, He's been staying up to play Skyrim until 5 am or so - there was no reason we couldn't play until at least that time.

Master graciously allowed me a shower while He rearranged some furniture to make the most of the mid-week "vacation" and when i emerged, wet, slippery and smooth, He said socks were the only clothes i could have - so i put on one of the warmest pairs i have - men's work socks (don't make fun - they are warm and they, too, make me feel small). While we watched one of our favorite TV shows, Master wrapped the rope we'd gotten at 2011 Thunder in the Mountains around me, and i actually was really able to sink into the bondage. Since i've been working on my flexibility, Master got my arms bound behind me in the same position as a monoglove. It was hot, hurt just a little, and i was already feeling small and submissive. With a second chunk of rope, Master bound my feet up and tied them to my hands, creating a deliciously tight hogtie. While i was bound, He teased me with our Lelo toy, GiGi, before allowing me to cum.

When He was done teasing me, He untied my feet and threw the Liberator Flip Ramp i'd won from Eden Fantasies next to my head. That was a deliciously scary sound, because i wasn't able to see what He was doing where i was. Master then ever so kindly (not) picked me up by the chest harness that was binding my arms and threw me on top of the flip ramp so He could fuck me. i was feeling deliciously small and objectified.

Master sent me off to the shower again to clean up (i stupidly have an allergic reaction and swelling after sex, with or without lube, these days), and allowed me to warm up, naked, under blankets, bound at His feet.

It wasn't even nine in the evening yet, and the show was just getting started.

1, 2, 3 & 4 Monday

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Nothing in Place

 Oh, the kinky fun we've had! Lately, things have been shaping up reasonably nicely for Master and i to snatch some quality time together. It's meant a lot, to both of us. i feel more grounded, more satisfied in my place, and overall, i think Master has generally felt better about things, too (other than the depths with which He hates what He has called "enduringly pathetic employment").

Yesterday was an example of the heaven that summer break has provided Master and i. After a morning of puttering about outside, including Master working on the basic auto care for His car, we returned inside to enjoy slushed gatorade and watch a movie. As we watched a movie that we wanted to see, our lovely, rambunctious munchkin did something unexpected. He cozied in for an early afternoon nap. Master and i fled upstairs, hurriedly and huskily discussing what we wanted to do. Just sex? Something more complicated? A full blown scene?

And it was heavenly...

It had been a while since we last saw our dear friends Master Pravus and his lovely Red Vinyl Kitty, and the last time, two of us weren't feeling on top of things...But last weekend, we were all feeling great and excited to see each other again. 

Unfortunately, we got a bit sidetracked by an issue with Master's car and arrived at our hosts' home a little later than planned. Master and i felt a bit guilty, but were quite amused watching Master Pravus enjoy the thorn he found in the roses we brought them in honor of their May birthdays. (Ridiculous, i say -- a single thorn in a dozen roses? What on earth are they doing to the best part of those gorgeous flowers?) 

The Rapture Weekend Wrap Up...

What a weekend for a visit to our dear play partners Master Pravus and Red Vinyl Kitty. The predictions for the day were a sunny day, a low chance of rain, and the end of the world. What better way to spend our predicted last hours than engrossed in hedonistic, kinky fun?

I could think of nothing better. Besides, if Jesus were to come knocking, I'd be more than happy to let him have a turn at the girl with the whip. I hear he has a miraculous touch ;).

Round Two

Or, Saturday Night

While this year is full of awesomeness, the schedule that Master and i have been living on, built by the things in our lives, has been extremely difficult. Master has borne the brunt of caring for the little person in our household, and because of school, i rarely get to spend time with either of my boys, and have the least amount of time to spend alone with Master (Whine and Whinge!). It's been very frustrating, for Master and for me.

i sometimes feel invisible (something that's been going around kinky blogs), though Master frequently acknowledges how difficult this year has been for both of us. i know He sees me, sees me struggle, and flounder and loose myself in all the things that need to be done. And worst of all, He cannot fix it, for there is rarely time for us to whisper our goodbyes and lust before we must go about life, and much less time to drop me into the pain, suffering and pleasure that is required to keep both of us level headed.

But this is my spring break. And my time again belongs wholly to Master. And it has been good. Friday night i consumed copious amounts of coffee to stay up for Him, and we had a rocking time (as you can read in His post). Last night required less coffee to find myself at His mercy, and it was an absolute delight. 

Playtime review . . . 2 weeks late!

Wow. Another weekend play-date with Master Pravus and Red Vinyl Kitty left me . . . speechless. Which is (admittedly, only partly) the reason that i am the last to recount the event . . . two weeks later . . . 

Master and i were really excited that our first play-date (or second meeting) with Master Pravus and the Red Vinyl Kitty went so well, it was really hard to wait for the second play-date. But we all survived, and we planned it out carefully. Master and Master Pravus were constantly plotting via IM, and while Kitty was filled in on most of the plans, i wasn't, despite the fact i also spent time chatting with Master Pravus and the Kitty. i don't really like surprises, but Master thinks they're good for me, so He keeps doing it. 

Beyond Words... Again...

So this past weekend we were ecstatic to have the chance to go back to our dear friends Master Pravus and his Red Vinyl Kitty. I packed our bags a day early, putting nearly half of our collection of toys and implements in the bags and filling them up to the brim. I knew that we wouldn't get a chance to use all of it, but I love options. There are not enough hours in the weekend to use all of what we have sadly, but that means that there is always something new for later.

We packed up the car and the kiddo Saturday and hit the road on schedule. The girl suffers from severe travel anxiety and long trips to visit friends and family usually make for a very long trip. However this time, the girl was placid and calm and eager to have fun, but not anxious. It was pleasant.

We dropped off our little monster with family and spent some time chatting and enjoying the day. The whole while there was this undercurrent of eager excitement, something we saw in the other during shared glances. Finally it was time to get going and we happily made our way to Master Pravus and RVK's place (I like that RVK). We recently got a new camera, a lovely Canon PowerShot SX130IS but sadly the 32g card we ordered separately did not arrive, so we had to make a quick stop over at the near by Radio Shack to pick up a suitable replacement for our absentee memory card. We picked up an 8g card for $20 on sale. It worked great (don't believe me? Just check out these beautiful snap shots).

Beyond Words...

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It's all fuzzy...

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Hopeful despair...

Since the last time i wrote, Master and i have had the opportunities to spend some quality time playing, despite the franticness that comes with my return to school each semester.

While i didn't cope well with the scene on January 11th, and have been struggling, i am still (forever) Master's property, and feel like his property. The struggle has been primarily in what feels good for both my brain and my body, and the feeling of disconnect that remains between the two. Though i know Master's first impulse is to crush me beneath His boot with force when this dichotomy appears, i am grateful that He has crushed me beneath His boot with some gentleness.

On Sunday, the house was stunningly quiet, and Master and i knew we needed to take the opportunity (as my classes resumed the following day) and we did so. Out came rope and the hood - but it wasn't just any rope, like the nice soft nylon, no, it was the sisal rope. i do love the sisal because it doesn't tend to slide and pinch, but i hate the sisal because the reason it doesn't slide and pinch is because it digs into you, stabbing you with a thousand little slivers. i cannot help but feel utterly helpless in that stuff, even if my hands are free - in a sense it reminds me of an electric fence - there is nothing you can do to get around it.

As i lay there, Master retrieved something that we hadn't talked about before hand, one of His favorite and rare indulgences . . . a plastic bag (shudder). Some aspects of breath play i adore - but this is not one of them (though i trust Him), this one, all i can do is endure*. And i despaired. i have given myself so completely, that those cruelties He springs upon me change nothing. i am His to do with as He pleases. Following the removal of the bag, still gasping for air inside the leather hood, still wrapped in sisal rope, He fucked me, used me, and finished with His property.

Under a warm shower after He released me, the despair passed, as it always does, life resumes . . . and i am reminded that i am owned.

* i wish i didn't have to emphasize this, but breath play is dangerous. Master and i are experienced players, are well aware of the risks and have done our best to minimize those risks while still choosing to indulge our fantasies.

Complexities

i am far from perfect. But, even knowing that, i know that my Master loves me, even though it's not something "required" of our relationship.

Every now and then, what i see as my imperfections cause this cycle of self-depreciation. Tonight, for example - Master and i had the opportunity for a chance to play. i was strapped down, and while Master thumped implement after implement onto the bed, i had no clue what He had planned. When He started it felt like His goal was to wear my skin off through various beatings...from the thud of leather clad hands, to the obnoxious sting of a kite stick turned mini-cane or the sting of His bare hands, i squirmed and tried in vain to escape.

One of the strangest things about being me is my brain and my body are not always in agreement about what is pleasure, pain or any intermingling of the two. Master laughs at me and often ignores my brain while following the cues that my body gives Him. Meanwhile, i'm often frustrated because even though i know i've liked the sensation in the past, i'm not enjoying it in the moment, or even able to find head-space where i can at least cope with it. Tonight was one such evening. While my body was busy experiencing pleasure, my brain jumped from each impact, lurched into a myriad of emotions. When Master was satisfied with the shade of red covering His property from tits to thighs, He turned me over and began again.

And again, my brain and body didn't agree. Even though Master, throughout, had been reinforcing His satisfaction with how well i was doing by telling me i was His good girl, i didn't feel like it at that point. In fact, i was feeling horrible because every four or five impacts on my ass i had one singular thought . . . "i want to punch Him in the eye." During the percussion strikes upon my body when i wasn't concerned with getting my hand loose to punch my Owner, i alternated between guilt at thinking about attempting to hurt my Master, struggling to cope with the beating and searching for the endorphin high to fall into sync with my body's desires...

And i couldn't. i cried from the pain, but didn't achieve a cathartic release.

Master fucked me afterwards, even though i had confessed my horrible thoughts - and it was during the sex that at least a few of those lovely stress reducing tears fell from my eyes...

And i didn't punch Him in the eye at the end of it all. Instead, i'm circling this mess of emotion, wondering why i cannot keep my heart, body and mind all of one mind (snort) about what i signed up for when i accepted a life without choice.

With a sore bum.

Thanksgiving break...

And it started the right way!

Master and i had somebody watch the little person last night so that we could get some much needed alone time, and we made the most of it.

Not only did Master get some pictures taken that He had been wanting to take or some time now, but we also got to play in the tub for the first time in our new place. Of course, there also had been some marbles accumulating from mistakes on my part, and those had to be dealt with before we could get to the sex...

i'm sure Master will come talk about His table stocks, but as with all the projects He cares about, he had these finished to perfection, smooth and perfectly cut. As Master placed me in them, He asked if my knees would be okay on the floor (recent re-injury of my bad knee makes Him a bit generous with things He might not normally offer), and i believed it would be fine, so i declined His offer of a cushion. my fuzzy, school-fried brain made me believe that i would be able to sit, rather than kneel under the table, so as He shoved it closed around me, i scrambled and realized that, no, the table was higher than i believed, and so with the awkward positioning of my legs, i was almost literally hanging in the stocks. It was an awesome experience, and rather soon, i felt my muscles twitching with exhaustion. When Master was gracious enough to release me from the stocks, i felt so warm and used, and laid on the floor for a few moments before we moved on to christen the tub with some water play.

Now, despite the tub's one downfall (it is blue), it is much larger than both tubs we had at our previous residence. Master tied my hands to my thighs, and looped the rope binding my ankles together through the ropes around my thighs as well, leaving me unable to do more than rock my shoulders up to keep my face out of the water as it rose. As we considered the limited amount of time, Master's impatience won over my stamina, and he shoved me under. Each time he pulled me up, i sputtered, annoyed at my new hair cut because it was hanging over my face, essentially "waterboarding" me while Master told me to breathe. Eventually, Master turned me over, and we tried to submerge my head while i looked at Master. Unfortunately, we'd splashed quite a bit of the water out and it didn't quite work, so Master, being the clever, quick thinker He is, decided that His underwear could prove themselves useful in waterboarding me. Regardless of what Master does, quite frequently the thing that truly "revs my engine" as they say, is control me with His strength. He can be doing the most horrible, awful thing, and if His strength is subverting me, controlling my head, my body, my very survival, i become the lustful, compliant creature He so loves.

P.S. There was caning. Not so fun.

P.P.S. There was also awesome sex. >:)

Maybe i'll get a chance to post about those later.

So. It has been a little too long between my posts. (sadface) Life is crazy, and the life we lead seems to occasionally compound its complexities.

It's highly frustrating to me, sometimes, to be so utterly dependent upon Master for so many things. For example, it's against the rules for me to have any kind of sexual release without His prior permission. For as shy as i still am about things related to sex, it makes it difficult for me to get up the gumption to ask for permission.

Combine that with the fact that there is very little time for me to do anything but the basics of survival between my homework and raising our son, and that results in 1) no time to ask, 2) no courage to ask, and 3) no time to accomplish said release if i was brave enough to obtain permission anyway.

This is not to say that Master doesn't consider my needs. He considers that -- and frequently asks me to cum on command, which i am capable of doing.

Yet.

It. Is. Not. The. Same.

Or really even satisfying. It ramps up the need i feel to be under His boot, be tormented by His hands, His mind, and find myself to be deliciously small and worthless as He fills His needs.

Which is one reason i am perpetually grateful for my Master -- because when we do get the chance, He knows exactly how to go all out. With or without the toys.

When we do get the chance, it is often hard for me to make an accurate accounting of what we did here, on this blog, because my brain is so fuzzed with delight, the animal sense of carnality, that words and congruity are beyond my own capabilities.

Whether He hurts me or is kind to me, i cannot help but be driven to that animal mind, that place where the reality of the world doesn't apply anymore. Whether He delights in my pain, delights in a moment of my (sometimes fleeting) masochism, or if His purpose is to deliver bliss, or anywhere between, or if any of those things become blurred, i lust for those moments. If His purpose is to create useless anger in me, meek subservience, despair or joy, i lust for those times, too. Those moments where i am able to be the carnal creature He has made, the moments i feel completely and utterly at home.

But the in-between times? Regardless if they are a day, or near a month, they are too long, and it makes life feel too cruel. And that is supposed to be His job.

No More Talking:

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Weekend of Refreshment:

Master and i were in desprate need of some time together. So much running about with school for both of us, His work, and of course, taking care of our little person had definitely taken its toll.

What better weekend to brave the adventures of our son's first overnight than the weekend of Master's birthday?

Thankfully, my concerns about our boy's first overnight with his grandmother were completely negated and he had a most excellent time, leaving Master and i to have our own fun in a hotel room.

While i expected to be fraught with concern for the kiddo, Master didn't give me time to do so. He immediately put me on the floor, while He sat comfortarbly at the desk/table, while we indulged in a rare treat: KFC. After slurping down energy drinks and letting our tummies settle, Master broke out our toybag. Since we don't really have the space at home, Master felt that first a heavy flogging would be a nice start.

It wasn't easy to sink into the flogging, the impacts, as it had been a long time since we'd had the opportunity to really get into some heavy play. It burned. And i wanted it to stop, but i didn't want it to end, either. i fought against the burning thud, fought to maintain the composure Master asked me to have, and at the same time, my body reacts the way it always does -- more, more, more, please, i want it, i want to hurt that way. i wanted it...

And more there was; Master eventually flipped me around, put spreader bars between my arms and legs, with the spreader bar holding my arms behind the recliner and trapping me oh-so-effectively. At His mercy, with clover clamps crushing my nipples while He whacked my thighs and breasts, clamped tits and whatever other target delighted Him with the evil white plastic spoon, smacked me in the face with His gloved hands, pinched, pulled and smacked my breasts with the same.

But more than the floggings, smackings, beatings, and clamps -- more than anything else up to that point, and maybe more than the pain and pleasure that came later -- was the talk.

Master's voice cuts through me. It just does. It always has.

He told me that He loved me, but that won't save me from His desires. It won't save me from the cruelities that dwell in His heart. He loves me, but as much as He loves me, He wants to hurt me. And i've given myself to Him, and now, now all there is for me to do is suffer through it. i chose to let Him hurt me, forever and a day.

And i made that choice, knowing what He wanted, made that choice because i want to be hurt, and more specifically, want Him to be the one to hurt me.

And that is the deepest, darkest truth in my soul. i knew what He was, and i wanted that.

Hearing that truth spill from His lips made me twitch in all sorts of tasty ways.

(Part one...There will be more -- for there was!)

So rare...

Warning (or Tease): this post contains breath play.

The hardest thing about life is it never leaves you alone. You can be sitting there, minding your own business and then its there, poking you in the head, pulling on your shirt, screaming for your attention... (Though i have personified life as a child, i am not actually referring to the child in particular.) And when it goes quiet, you have the decision of what to do, go and poke it for a change or let it lie and steal the moment for your own...

Master and i often struggle with that decision. But thankfully, yesterday we did take the opportunity to let everything outside our door stay outside our door for a little interlude.

Did you know they make hot pink duct tape now? It's awesome (but not as awesome as the purple or the tie-dye version).

So, as i lay there, bound down with my arms out to the sides, Master brought the hot pink duct tape out and quite securely, taped my mouth shut. It is a lovely feeling, for me, to be helpless and voiceless. It also has various levels of frustrations, depending on how many questions Master feels like asking while i can't pry my mouth open. But in this case, it was primarily lovely. i have missed duct tape. We haven't played much with it lately...

(One quick aside: once upon a time, Master wrapped me in a corset made of duct tape. That was fun. And more than five years ago. Sadness for me.)

What really made that session, though, was probably the breath play. Like i've said before, some aspects of breath play make me twitchy and nervous. Has anyone out there ever had duct tape over their nose?

i have now. It was horrifyingly amazing. The fight of it, unable to really do anything about it, and hear Master tell me it was fine, that He was there, that it would only go as far as He wanted it to go. It was . . . wow. There was panic, there was the fight of my body doing what its' supposed to be doing (trying to get fresh air), and yet there was trust riding over all of those things. The more the panic rose, the more the trust did, too. i was frantic, but, almost not.

And then the duct tape was ripped off (and it felt like part of my face, too) and the air rushed in. The panic receded, but the trust didn't. i was calm, cool and blissed out...

Today, i have a little bit of my cheek flesh that's tender and i keep touching it, pushing on it, just a little bit, making it sting for just a second, while i smile.