Goodbye, "no"

There's been a lot of stress flying around in the air here lately. Master and i have been going round and round about our worth, mostly how both of us feel like we're lacking in growth.

And that's a load, right there. Master and i have grown by leaps and bounds. We do things now that terrified me before, and though there are some aspects where there has been some atrophy, we both have matured, we've tried to grow together and we've done our best to embrace the whole of ourselves.

Ever since Master took me as His own, i have wanted to be the "perfect" slave. It's this ideal i have in my head, how i do everything He asks of me perfectly, never stopping what He wants, able to find sub-space-zen in even the most difficult tasks. But, shouldn't that come naturally for a submissive? Well...if i was submissive, maybe. But i'm not, i'm willful, opinionated and determined, though i crave the structure of being His slave. (i've talked about why i submit here before, and you can read that post here.)

It doesn't come naturally, i have a heck of a time setting aside the things i think and want when He asks me to do something. Sometimes, i accomplish it with grace, with little hesitation. But sometimes, it comes from the opposite end of the spectrum... As in, it doesn't happen as He expects it to, or at all.

The word "no" isn't one that supposed to fall from my lips when it comes to something He has asked of me. And yet, it has. Several times.

Each time, both of us retreat, wounded by my refusal to submit. It hurts Him because a million times over, this is what i have told Him that i want, yet, i refused His order. It hurts me because i don't want Him to be hurt and because in those moments, i am the one who is refusing to abide by the life that i need. It's not the same as cutting, but the amount of self-damage that is done when i say "no" is comparable.

Eventually, we'll talk it out, sort out all our hurt feelings, and find our way back to where we were. And that usually means, that despite the underlying issues, i have a penance that must be paid before both of us can move beyond the incident cleanly.

But there's still that idea in my head that i can be perfect, just waiting for a chance to rear its ugly head and help me derail everything that Master and i have worked for.

And it's time for the perfect monster to be destroyed. Time for me to really work on communicating, and remembering that the word "no" does more damage then asking for a moment to talk can ever do. Remembering that every moment that i submit, i am becoming what He wants me to be ─ and He never asked for perfect.

Some Protocols of a slave...

I've been thinking recently about the protocols that I have for my slave and the fact that I don't believe I've mentioned more than a handful here. Given that this Blog is about Roles Defining Rules, it would only be fair to mention a few.

she has been by collared property for a decade now and in that time many of the rules I've established have changed. Our dynamic is ever changing (hence the blog's name) and it is that flexibility, I believe, that allows us to overcome the challenges and obstacles that come our way. However there are three rules, a creed, that endure. My slave has mentioned them previously: Obey, Serve, and Please. Sort of our Trinity Principle.

Being an owned slave, she has no rights. she is property and I regularly remind her of this. I enforce my ownership over specific parts of her to keep her mindful of her place. For instance; her breath belongs to me and I'll deny her air at a whim and her lovely and creative brain belongs to me, the thoughts and opinions she has are mine to twist and shape as I wish.

One of my rules is that she must beg my permission before engaging in any activity. For example, my permission must be given before she will be allowed to eat, sleep, use the restroom, crawl into my bed, leave my presence (and she must back out of the room once she is allowed to leave and crawl on hands and knees upon returning), use any piece of furniture (save for the chair at her computer - long story), and so on.

I control her speech through a number of protocols that I enforce strongly: she must be respectful, she must use pleasing tones, she is never allowed to argue, she is never allowed to say "no" lest it be to answer a direct question, and there are a number of words that she is not allowed to use period. For example the word "yeah" has been stricken from her vocabulary and carries the penalty of five push-ups for every slip. I swear, my slave will have shoulders and arms like Arnie if she does not stop using it soon. I can deny her speech entirely and leave her yipping, whimpering and panting to express herself, and I might add that it is a great deal of fun for me.

I control her body through a number of exercises and protocols to keep her fit, flexible, and ready. Yoga, belly dancing, martial arts, all of which help to focus her mind and center her body. (Admittedly, due to the winter and our child, this has fallen to the wayside more than I would like to see, but with spring coming I'll be enforcing this more strictly.) I also control her body through a number of positions that she is expected to know and execute correctly. For example, "dog" places her upon all fours, back arched, head and ass up. "Stand" places her on her feet, shoulder width apart, hands clasped at the small of her back, eyes straight forward. These are just a few examples of her current repertoire and I intend to expand this to include a greater number of positions in the near future.

I control features of her body by deciding what she will wear, her hair style and color, shaving, hygiene, etc. I don't use this to the extent I would like due to the area in which we reside, that is to say a rather repressed community. I am looking for a collar that I like that would be acceptable in public and I have seen several that might do the trick. We have also been designing a symbol that I will have tattooed upon her, marking her as my property. Given that we are in our tenth year, I would like to settle upon one that we can have placed upon her for our anniversary. This is more difficult than it may sound as I am a very critical person and the idea of a permanent mark that will forever symbolize my ownership places a great deal of importance on getting just the right symbol. I like the idea of a bar code, specifically the one attached to her SLRN, however this has become somewhat cliche these days.

At home, she is expected to be naked and collared at all times. However, with our child this has been pushed to after hours when she is to strip down and bring me her collar. (Even after all these years it is still such a giddy joy for me to have her naked and at my feet.) When retrieving anything for me she is to crawl to me with the object in her teeth like a dog (provided it is small and light of course, could you imagine anyone dragging say a chair or a full tool box in their teeth? Then again...) and kneel at my feet awaiting my recognition to offer it to my outstretched hand.

As for sex, I suppose it would go without saying that I control her very strictly here. I make her beg to be fucked like a little whore, wagging her ass in the air and whimpering. she is to beg for every orgasm and await permission before she may slip over that edge into the shuddering throws of ecstasy (what a fun game to give her a time limit of say fifteen minutes before I'll allow her to). I control her orgasms so completely that I will regularly force her to cum on command throughout the day, while driving, focusing on a project, speaking on the phone, etc. So much fun. In addition, I regularly take her at a moment's notice during the day, inspecting her each time to ensure that she is wet and ready like a good slave should be.

I assign her writing assignments, art projects, blog topics; all to keep her mind focused upon her slavery, her place. I control her online activities (though allow her a large amount of autonomy given it is her only real outlet out here) including whom she may befriend on Fetlife, groups she may join, etc.

Well, there you are, a somewhat general listing of the rules, protocols, expectations, and controls that I have for my sweet little slave. As we continue to grow together, face new and interesting challenges, and further explore her enslavement these rules will no doubt change and grow with us. Thats the benefit of Roles Defining Rules...

Rules and Reminders

i've gone and done it again...From time to time, i am quite good at pushing Master's buttons.

Though Master and i have formed a 24/7 relationship that works for us, He's less demanding than many other Dominants i have encountered. There aren't a whole lot of "rules" for me to follow. The directives that i have been given are "serve, please and obey my Master". Pretty simple, right? Oh, sure there are a few actual rules that we live with, including needing to ask permission to leave the room, not sitting on furniture without permission and to always give Him the title of "Master" when i speak to him.

So, why do i feel the need to gripe about how "difficult" He makes it? Why do i always paint myself into a corner when it comes to lashing out at the confines of my submission? Especially considering that as long as i am serving, pleasing and obeying, Master pretty much gives me as much rope as i want? What is it, about Master reminding me to obey His simple directives, that sends me off into a battle of wills that i will never, ever win?

i think i'll never know the answer to those questions. But, i did it again. i lashed out against Master's directives, and was willfully disobedient and obnoxious. Granted, it was something silly, and we laughed while i did it, but Master did tell me, repeatedly, "NO" and yet, on i went...and continued to dig myself a hole by griping about some of the very few rules that Master has lain down for me...for the second time in one day.

SHEESH.

Regardless, for this week, Master has decided to show me how easy i really do have it. Instead of offering Master his title, following every time i speak to Him, i am required to say “my Master, my Owner.” Instead of being able to look at Master, my eyes are to be downcast (i find this one difficult, as Master's eyes are so expressive and beautiful). Furniture is purely off limits...even my computer chair (gaaah!). When Master comes home from work, i am required to offer him the evil, evil white plastic kitchen spoon (which Master calls the “punishment spoon” while i simply call it the evil plastic spoon). For an entire week, i am required to wear a collar – and while this one shouldn't be a big deal (and i'm sure that some would say “WTF?”) i'm claustrophobic and collars often make me feel panicky. Lastly, before i'm allowed into bed, i must passionately worship Master's feet and beg to be allowed the permission to sleep in His bed...

It's only been since this morning, and already, i know i have wracked up a few reminders of my place and my responsibility to be Master's obedient girl.

While i long for the time to be close to Him, and very much look forward to His return home, i am also dreading it. While i do not want time to speed up (there are far too many things that need doing!) i do not know if i can handle this coming week.

i do hope that it will remind me that Master is very kind and generous, and the rules that He has given me are very simple, and it shouldn't be a problem for me to obey each and every one without needless griping.

i am sad. Roles Defining Rules has only existed for about five days, and already i look like a horrible, horrible slave and not much of a submissive.