iFail

There is no way that i can truly explain my sorrow and regret about my recent behavior. Though Master is gracious enough to allow me to go to college, in the hope that in doing so He can make our lives better, i should always, first and foremost, before all other things, be sure that i am behaving as He expects His slave, His property, to behave.

The attitude of entitlement that made it's way into my behavior must be quashed. Just because i think something else should come first doesn't mean that Master agrees. Most important, before all other things, is to be what He desires me to be, and that, is to be pliant to His will.

When Master tied me the other day, i should have done my best to simply sink into it, to be present in that moment, to relish the simplicity of it. Instead, i fussed, attempted to do other things, and complain about Master's use of “my” time.

Truly, i want the simplicity of those moments, but i fight against them so often, i am sure that Master has difficulty accepting that what i say is the truth. But, despite all my fussing, my seeming inability to behave, i need the reminders that i am His, down to every moment of my day. There is no time that belongs to me. There is nothing that allows me to decide independently how to spend my time when i am with Him. Even when He isn't with me, i should remember that i live for Him, every moment and every breath is something that i gave to Him. They are His, as completely as i am.

i am sorry that i have had such trouble sinking into my slavery lately. i am sorry that Master seems to have to fight me at every turn. i am sorry that i forget how totally i belong to my Master.

i am sorry, Master. i will try to do better.

Assignments: Art

As i've mentioned previously, i like to draw. If you've seen my FetLife pictures, you'll see a few of my black and white pencil sketches... Lately, in an effort to teach myself to not overwork a sketch, or a painting, i've been dabbling with magna style drawings.

It's harder than it looks. i'm frustrated by the disproportion, the enormous eyes, and the lack of detail. But, i do think it will help in time, to let me see a simpler version of a sketch as a finished piece. Meanwhile, poor Master has been hearing me gripe about the disproportionate faces with no noses and rarely, lips (i think a woman's lips are sexy - all shapes and sizes, so it's one of my favorite parts to draw!!!).

One should also bear in mind that Master actually despises most manga and anime styles because of the over-simplification and enormous eyeballs.

But, Master did tell me that i needed to finish this piece and post it here. Originally, i was not intending these manga girls to be anyone in particular, but quite obviously, my mind has borrowed the image of two of my favorite bloggers and they are now manga girls, about to be posted below... i do hope that they don't mind being cartoon-ized. i'm not going to say which of my favorite bloggers they are...

And with that...my first art assignment, a finished manga piece. (i hope they're as good sports as i think they are!)

For anyone who is curous, the piece is hand drawn, scanned and computer colored.

Assignments: Pride and Shame

A long, long time ago ─ okay, not super long ago, but back in October, Master had me post one of my writing assignments here. The assignments have not been as frequent, and they have been kept between us, but Master thought that this one should be shared here.

Recently, i've been struggling when Master and i leave the house. Call it a mild case of agoraphobia ─ uncomfortable around others who might not understand that i like my life and the choices that i've made. Unfortunately, this translates into a bit of an issue when i am wearing a collar...my discomfort becomes apparent. i know this is something i am going to have to move beyond, and it is why my Master assigned "Pride vs. Shame", which follows below.

Pride and shame are a component of the human condition, but should they be a component of (consensual) slavery? As we have been discussing lately, i have found myself with an over-abundance of shame. Shame in my appearance, in my behavior and even to an extent, my being as a whole. Yet, in those same moments, when i look at the core of my being ─ at the fact that i am my Master's property, His nothing ─ i am proud. The leap to be publicly proud of my status, however, is still elusive.

Why ─ and how ─ do i feel both pride and shame because of my slavery to my Master? Shouldn't a slave base her perceptions of self upon the Master's pride (or shame) in her status? Does a slave have any right to be ashamed of her status ─ the same status she has chosen ─ when the Master is not? Which matters more, the slave's perceptions of shame or pride related to her status, or the reflection of herself in her Master's eyes? Shouldn't one be confident in their own being, even if that is nothing more than as another's property? Heady questions, and all worth touching on, at least briefly, as i continue to evaluate my own perceptions of self and the pride and shame i have in myself and the role that i have chosen.

There are moments in which i struggle expressing my pride in my slavery, when i give Master reason to doubt my sincere need to be His. Most often, this is expressed simply as my struggle to wear a collar into any environment which might (or might not) be public. In those moments, shame overcomes all other emotions, and i am more ashamed of who i am, how i look and the fact that i prefer to live a “deviant” lifestyle by choosing to become my Master's property. i am ashamed because i am afraid of their criticisms and the potential ramifications my choice may have on my family.

More subtle, perhaps, are the moments in which i am proud of my place at my Master's feet. They are moments when i am content, happy to lay at or under His feet, content to be led by my wrist without attempting to pry my hand from His firm grip. They are moments when i cease to be sensitive to others and their static conceptions of relationships and reality. Of course, they are the moments i am most at peace with my image, my sense of self and, on the whole, most content.

Ideally, a slave gives herself over to her Master, to be molded and shaped as He desires, in essence, giving Him everything she is because she belongs completely to Him. In that, her own perceptions of pride and shame should be one with His. Ideally. This often applies inside our relationship. When i feel that Master is proud of me, i feel more confident in my being, i feel as if i am something of value, even as a slave. When He is not pleased with me, my self-worth plummets, and i am more sensitive to the shame and the negative perceptions that people in Master and slave relationships often face.

Quite simply, in the face of an ideal Master and slave relationship, the slave should endeavor to put aside all of her own reasons to feel pride and shame and judge herself on the Master's standard instead of her own.

Thus, the reflection of her identity given to her by her Master is far more important than her own perceptions of her successes or failures in her role as a slave. Indeed, as the slave has chosen to submit to another's will, to accept the pain for another's pleasure, should she not also accept their assessment of her qualities? If one finds fulfillment in their relationship, then how can the Master or the slave feel shame? There should be pride in the depth of submission and the strength of character that is required in Master and slave relationships. There should be pride in recognizing ones identity and living in harmony with that identity.

As my Master has repeatedly told me, “sexy is a mindset”. That applies here, too. Discomfort and shame with ones choices ─ despite the need and desire for them ─ will only draw attention to that. Being confident and proud of one's identity, even as a slave, results in a more relaxed being. When applied in a Master and slave relationship, if she is proud because her Master is proud of her, than she truly has no reason to feel shame, and should be free of irrational fears.

This necessary jump to being proud of my slavery, though still daunting, seems nearer. i realize that being ashamed of what i desire most in life is, at best, a paradigm that has never functioned. Allowing myself to be ashamed of my choice only adds to my own doubt of self worth, considering that i have given all my choices and my will to my Master, is foolish. There is great reason to be proud of my desire to serve, to be objectified in my Master's eyes, to be something that is worth nothing and everything to Him.

Shame is an acceptance of other's standards, but there are no others that i need to consider, for if i please my Master, than i am serving my purpose. Because i know that my Master desires the best for and from His slave, and thereby, His family, i realize that i need to trust that, and see only His perception, the reflection of His slave in His eyes.

i can (and should) be proud of everything that i am, because He has helped me to be those things.

Shame should never enter the picture, for i should never give my Master reason to be ashamed of me, or disappointed in me, and the standards that apply to others do not apply to me. The life that i have may not be right for some, but it is right for me, and i should be proud that i have chosen to be Master's slave, because i have accepted what is right for me. When i look at the core of my being, all of the talents, desires and humors that make up who i am, i am pleased and satisfied, for myself. This is something i desperately need to remember, because i am who i am for my Master and myself ─ not for anyone else.

Obey, Serve & Please

The last few days have been hectic, frazzling and frustrating. i haven't behaved as well as i should ─ repeatedly. Master has been excruciatingly patient as i quibble, argue and resist before coming to what i should have done the first time: obey.

Master has given me a very simple tenant to live by from the start of our journey into our Dominant/submissive merged to Master/slave relationship, and that is to obey, to serve and to please.

That boils down to even deeper simplicity: obey. If i obey, i am serving, and that is pleasing. i know this, i've lived with this simple, innocent "rule" for over eight years. i know it by heart, i understand its meaning and i see it work. i see the delight on His face when i obey without hesitation, i see Him pleased by my willingness to serve and obey. Yet, so often, when i allow myself to become worried by a situation, frazzled or stressed by the world around us, i fail to simply follow that simple, lovely rule.

i have failed to obey.

Master did not, of course, let me get away with the behavior for long. But what hurts, more than the punishment for the misbehavior, is knowing that i couldn't keep one simple word in the fore of my thoughts, that i couldn't follow the simplest part of belonging to my Master ─ i was not obedient. That excruciating patience He does not offer anyone else, merged with the expression of hurt and disappointment in me ─ it all hurts that much more as i am so dissapointed in myself for failing to mind that one word...

i want to do better. i know i can follow that simple, standing order. i can obey. i want to obey. And when i obey, i will serve Him and it will please Him. It is up to me to do better, to obey without question, without complaint. It is up to me to not let the stresses and frustrations of life keep me from trusting Master. And all of that is possible because it comes down to the definition of obey.

"To follow the commands or guidance of; to conform to or comply with; to behave obediently."

That is possible ─ even for me.

Assignments: Submission

Recently, with all of the upheval in our lives outside of Master's home, He has been trying to give me something each week to occupy my mind, to ground me and force me to really examine aspects of myself. In short, Master has been giving me more frequent writing assignments, which i am grateful for.

He's also been discussing giving me artistic assignments as well, though that is another subject for another time, perhaps.

The most recent assignment was an essay on submission, what it means to me, what i think about it, why i do it, what makes that submission stronger...stuff like that. He also told me to post it here, though, i honestly forgot to do so after i handed it to Master. It was an eye opening assignment for me, and i am beginning to see my motives in a clearer light. Without further delay, here is the essay, which i titled, for Master, "Submission: a life of subjection".

Slavery is definable as “submission to a dominating influence” and as i am a slave, submission is an important aspect of my condition. But what is my submission to my Master? Is it driven by external sources, or something found in my heart? Do the rituals we have enforce submission, or do we need to seek others to ground me in my place? Which work most effectively and what makes them so effective? What actions drive me to submit?

In reviewing online materials regarding domination and submission, an interesting thought presented itself: submission is about compliance. Compliance has to come from within. We are raised to think about what we want, what we are capable of doing and our own desires, but to begin to submit, compliance takes us away from those learned behaviors of deciding for our own. In finding this, i see that though my desire to serve, to submit, comes from an outside source, but my internal compliance is lacking. When i say that my desire to submit comes from an outside source, i recognize that it is not my nature to comply with someone else's whims, despite my desire to please. i am fierce and strong-willed, but i see rewarding joy upon my Master's face when i do submit and comply with His desires.

Moving forward, rituals that bring forward the submission ─ the compliance ─ that we have incorporated into our relationship become especially important for those like myself, who struggle with graceful submission. Rituals that we have included are the moments when i kneel to accept Master's collar, never turning my back upon my Master, and returning to His side on my hands and knees. As far as rituals that we do not currently employ that would enforce that desire to comply, to fully allow myself to return Master's gifts to His property with obvious devotion and servitude in return from His slave...words seem lacking, phrases to repeat loose their meanings in my own ears when spilled from my tongue and physical punishments lack positive connections, which are important to keeping the relationship healthy and happy.

Are the rituals we use enough? In some ways, they are. In others ─ moments when i become ungrounded, moments when i feel unimportant and rejected ─ i struggle to continue to submit with grace, even with the presence of those rituals. Would adding other rituals enforce the feeling of submission? i can't say that they would or they wouldn't. i can't say that i'm going to fall gracefully into compliance until i come to see myself in a better light, until i accept that the changes in our lives do not change who i am or who Master is ─ at least, i'm not sure the compliance will come without help in all situations. The current rituals do keep me slightly more mindful of my place, but as far as driving compliance into my slave heart, i feel that ritual ─ on the whole ─ may be lacking.

Beyond rituals, there is one other thing that i am aware of that moves me to submission. Compliance comes from me most easily after a period of discomfort. Feeling Master physically overpower me, being tortured under His hands, being brought to tears (though not necessarily with impact play), those things drive compliance into my heart like nothing else. Look at how frequently interrogation play sessions are turned to Master's advantage: in less than minutes, and Master has what He wants. And in games of “chase” once Master has caught His prey, is she not pliable, compliant and adoring?

As a brief, and related, aside to the above, the control of a 24/7 Master/slave relationship is important to me, as the structure creates an environment in which i can thrive. However, the aspect of the relationship that i find the most rewarding is the physical display of power, the physical power exchange. Compliance, from my heart, is a side effect of the physical actions within the relationship, and one that is greatly desired by my Master. Because it is so desired by Master, graceful and joyful compliance is also something that i wish to see in myself, more often.

In working on this assignment, i have realized that while i am beginning to recognize that i have no ability to choose anything but obedience, i often return to selfish thoughts regarding my own “needs”. In those moments, i become passive aggressive and willful, completely destroying my ability to submit and comply without negativity. In recognizing the failures of my own behavior ─ the resort to passive aggressive behavior in particular ─ i hope that i can rise above my selfishness and learn to comply and submit with grace more and more as we continue to work on building up our 24/7 M/s relationship, regardless of ritual or enforcement present (or absent) in our day-to-day lives.