Friday, October 17, 2008

Assignments: Submission

Recently, with all of the upheval in our lives outside of Master's home, He has been trying to give me something each week to occupy my mind, to ground me and force me to really examine aspects of myself. In short, Master has been giving me more frequent writing assignments, which i am grateful for.

He's also been discussing giving me artistic assignments as well, though that is another subject for another time, perhaps.

The most recent assignment was an essay on submission, what it means to me, what i think about it, why i do it, what makes that submission stronger...stuff like that. He also told me to post it here, though, i honestly forgot to do so after i handed it to Master. It was an eye opening assignment for me, and i am beginning to see my motives in a clearer light. Without further delay, here is the essay, which i titled, for Master, "Submission: a life of subjection".

Slavery is definable as “submission to a dominating influence” and as i am a slave, submission is an important aspect of my condition. But what is my submission to my Master? Is it driven by external sources, or something found in my heart? Do the rituals we have enforce submission, or do we need to seek others to ground me in my place? Which work most effectively and what makes them so effective? What actions drive me to submit?

In reviewing online materials regarding domination and submission, an interesting thought presented itself: submission is about compliance. Compliance has to come from within. We are raised to think about what we want, what we are capable of doing and our own desires, but to begin to submit, compliance takes us away from those learned behaviors of deciding for our own. In finding this, i see that though my desire to serve, to submit, comes from an outside source, but my internal compliance is lacking. When i say that my desire to submit comes from an outside source, i recognize that it is not my nature to comply with someone else's whims, despite my desire to please. i am fierce and strong-willed, but i see rewarding joy upon my Master's face when i do submit and comply with His desires.

Moving forward, rituals that bring forward the submission ─ the compliance ─ that we have incorporated into our relationship become especially important for those like myself, who struggle with graceful submission. Rituals that we have included are the moments when i kneel to accept Master's collar, never turning my back upon my Master, and returning to His side on my hands and knees. As far as rituals that we do not currently employ that would enforce that desire to comply, to fully allow myself to return Master's gifts to His property with obvious devotion and servitude in return from His slave...words seem lacking, phrases to repeat loose their meanings in my own ears when spilled from my tongue and physical punishments lack positive connections, which are important to keeping the relationship healthy and happy.

Are the rituals we use enough? In some ways, they are. In others ─ moments when i become ungrounded, moments when i feel unimportant and rejected ─ i struggle to continue to submit with grace, even with the presence of those rituals. Would adding other rituals enforce the feeling of submission? i can't say that they would or they wouldn't. i can't say that i'm going to fall gracefully into compliance until i come to see myself in a better light, until i accept that the changes in our lives do not change who i am or who Master is ─ at least, i'm not sure the compliance will come without help in all situations. The current rituals do keep me slightly more mindful of my place, but as far as driving compliance into my slave heart, i feel that ritual ─ on the whole ─ may be lacking.

Beyond rituals, there is one other thing that i am aware of that moves me to submission. Compliance comes from me most easily after a period of discomfort. Feeling Master physically overpower me, being tortured under His hands, being brought to tears (though not necessarily with impact play), those things drive compliance into my heart like nothing else. Look at how frequently interrogation play sessions are turned to Master's advantage: in less than minutes, and Master has what He wants. And in games of “chase” once Master has caught His prey, is she not pliable, compliant and adoring?

As a brief, and related, aside to the above, the control of a 24/7 Master/slave relationship is important to me, as the structure creates an environment in which i can thrive. However, the aspect of the relationship that i find the most rewarding is the physical display of power, the physical power exchange. Compliance, from my heart, is a side effect of the physical actions within the relationship, and one that is greatly desired by my Master. Because it is so desired by Master, graceful and joyful compliance is also something that i wish to see in myself, more often.

In working on this assignment, i have realized that while i am beginning to recognize that i have no ability to choose anything but obedience, i often return to selfish thoughts regarding my own “needs”. In those moments, i become passive aggressive and willful, completely destroying my ability to submit and comply without negativity. In recognizing the failures of my own behavior ─ the resort to passive aggressive behavior in particular ─ i hope that i can rise above my selfishness and learn to comply and submit with grace more and more as we continue to work on building up our 24/7 M/s relationship, regardless of ritual or enforcement present (or absent) in our day-to-day lives.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Expectations and Frustrations

Time has not been my friend lately. There's been very little time for Master and i, and what there has been has had the unfortunate burden of a slave's expectations.

Master's last day off was a great example...of a lot of things. i desperately wanted a snuggle with my beloved Master as we settled in to watch Iron Man for the first time ever (missed it in the theatre, unfortunately), but Master wanted to snuggle with a slave who was trussed in rope. Despite the fact that Master was being kind and using the lovely nylon satin ropes instead of the evil Sisal rope, i could not move beyond the hurt that i created by building expectations of the rare times we have together.

After all this time with Master, i should remember that my expectations should be couched as requests...and frankly, never become expectations in the first place. After a lengthy discussion, regarding expectations, who should have them, what i should do with them, and being reminded over and over again that topping from the bottom is an absolutely prohibited behavior, we settled in to watch the movie.

As time schooched by, i became more and more tired. Late evenings are not my friend, despite the fact i sometimes battle with insomnia. Because of Master's new work schedule (which i hate, hate and hate) midnight is his early afternoon, and while His slave wilted with exhaustion when the movie ended, He was still needing something from me.

Something that i have been struggling with often, of late, is what to do with the anger and frustration that well up within me when Master asks something of me that raises the selfish creature that dwells within me. And i struggled, at that moment. i was exhausted, tired beyond patience, and frustrated that on those rare days that He has the opportunity to be home with me, i become more exhausted than the other days.

So, there we are, Master needing either a warm cunt or a talented mouth, and a pissy slave who is frustrated and angry.

i wanted to throw something. i wanted to break something. i wanted to lash out and say something cruel. i wanted to curl up in a ball and ignore the world for a peaceful eight hours. The first three are flatly, absolutely poor behavior. The last is delusional.

i swallowed my frustrations, swallowed my anger, and gave Master the rarity of a blowjob. He swears that i hate them, and is saddened that i don't volunteer them more often. Why did i choose to give Master a blowjob? This is what He wants to know. This is why He asked me to write about this.

(For the record, i don't hate blowjobs. It's very intimate and a joy to bring someone to ecstasy by exploiting the generous helping of nerve endings that make up our sexes. Far more intimate ─ and in some ways more "touching" than sex. i don't volunteer to give Master more of these treats because He has a fantastically awesome girth and lovely length, and with my smallish jaw, seems to me akin to attempting to ram a half-inch screw through a three-quarter inch cap nut.)

But back to the question at hand, why did i give Master a blowjob instead of offering Him a warm cunt? i simply did not trust my mouth to not be busy. Every question He asked me during my display of oral talents fueled my anger, driving me to work harder at sending Him into ecstasy, into the toe curling bliss a blowjob often takes Him. Because He'd ask less questions if He was busy breathing, gasping and wiggling on the sheets.

Afterwords ─ it was ironically easier to truly accept and swallow my issues. He knows as well as i do the frustrations of our lives. He understands exhaustion, for different reasons, maybe, but He knows it well. Sometimes the frustrations and anger that stems from the world outside our door get to Him, too. The best we can do is be who we are.

In that moment (when I was thinking my Master should try drinking pineapple juice), it was easier to simply accept that i had to trust Master and let go of what i expect and of the frustrations and anger that build in me because of life. In that moment, Master and slave were at peace with the world, anger and frustrations melted away in the afterglow.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008


Recently, i have been petulant. More so when Master attempts to ground me, to remind me that regardless of the changes that have caused such upheaval in our lives that i still belong to Him.

That almost sounds like an excuse, as i look back over that paragraph. It's not meant to. And more and more, i am realizing that i must be cautious when i speak. Not only mindful of my words, but how i say them, the intent with which i say them and the reason for saying them.

In the ever growing relationship that Master and i have, things have to change to allow for growth. Recently, Master deemed that we were far enough along, that He knows me well enough, to banish excuses from my lips and safe words from our scenes. He expects me to continue to communicate with Him, regarding my feelings, my hurts, and how i feel during a scene, but excuses and safe words are gone.

But back to the petulance that has colored my behavior. The other night, Master gave me a task to complete after He headed off for work, which included orgasms. In every instance, without fail, i am to thank Him for those gifts. But when i finished the task, the only words i included were "As ordered, Master". As i looked at those words on the tiny screen of my phone, the thought bumbled through my head that i should add that i was grateful. i can't say for sure how long i looked at that message before i hit send, but i pondered. And sent the text as it was.

A petulant slave at her best. Er. Worst.

Therein lies my problem. i am aware that i need to be especially mindful of what i say and how it is said, especially to Master, but when i remind myself that my behavior and speech has been lacking in one very important factor ─ respect ─ that peevishness raises its ugly head and i make no progress, no change.

What aggravates me, regarding this petulance that has found its way into me, woven itself through the fabric of who i am, is that i see it, and allow it to send me further into behaviors that i know Master will find displeasing. Further, i am saddened that while i do see progress from where i was in 2003, this disrespectful behavior is dragging me backwards in my progression as my Master's slave.

The truth is, life is full of changes. We are all forced into situations that we find unpleasant, from time to time. And there are positive changes too, like the growth of the relationship that i have with Master, the personal growth He has helped me achieve and the continuing healing of my heart and psyche. Changes should not cause petulant behavior, much less the disrespectful tone that has obviously led me into a heap of trouble.

More respect, less petulance.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Pay the whore...

An interesting time has come upon us. I have, for nearly the breadth of my ownership over my lovely little slave, considered her to be a whore for private use. Time and time again I have brought this out in her, delighting in her begging to be fucked and to taste my cum. I see it in her desperate looks and grinding hips. I hear it in the panting breaths and her dog like whimpering.

However, the time has come for my little whore to be paid. Or more appropriately, to have her earn her keep. She is no longer the little office pet, the strong willed and opinionated woman who returns home to heel at my feet and wear my collar. Now she is the little house slave, whiling away the long hours until my unfortunately lengthy return. Now she finds herself restricted to an allowance; and one that, for the most part, she must earn. I have never before taken the pleasure of stuffing a handful of bills into her well used mouth, and I have to ask myself why I have waited this long. Her cock sucking skills have definitely improved over the last year and I find that tying her performance to her pay has greatly helped her desire to take my cock.

For now, the privilege of being fucked and used like the little slut she is, is not conditional upon her pay. I would hate to pay her for something that she can't get enough of as I would go broke in no time. Also, I feel that that particular privilege should remain entirely at my discretion, it helps keep my little cunt in line.

However, the things that she seems to struggle with the most are perfect places to impose this particular condition. My slave wants to be paid, then she has to offer her ass to the harshest paddle, or lick my cum from the tiled floor, or piss in a cup or bowl and wait to see whether or not I make her drink, or offer her asshole for use. Hmmmmm, my dulcet little slut slave may never look at payday the same way again. ;) In the mean time, I will continue to make my whore "work hard for the money":D...

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Of piles and the past...

In one of my sometimes, occasional, rare, and completely unpredictable desires to become more organized, i found one of my old handwritten journals from years ago, which promptly caused the cessation of the attempt to cleanse some of my clutter. Of course i had to stop working on my piles and piles of papers, old bills, old newspapers (hey, i love the smell of newsprint and ink, not to mention criticizing the heck out of the typical graphic designer) and other random bits of my collection to read said journal. It's in my nature to be nosy, and i'm often the victim of my own curiosity. (Is that a sad thing?)

Regardless. This old, handwritten journal was an interesting look back on what my submission meant to me at the time, about what i thought was important to our M/s and D/s dynamics, about who i was and where i thought we were going. In reading those old entries (from 2003, by the by) i realized a few things about where i've come from and what i believe.

As i skimmed the old, black journal, and my burbly little-girl-like handwriting in brightly coloured (and sometimes glittered) inks, i realized that at the time i had no idea where our relationship was going to take us, i was very selfish about what i received from the relationship at the time, and lacked confidence in who i was and my importance to Master. The beliefs inherent in the writings suggested that i was extraordinarily fragile, afraid of my shadow and that what i wanted from the relationship was as important as what Master needed.

Looking at that, surrounded by my piles (and evidence of my inclination to save everything) i'm pleased to say that i see some positive change in myself. Not only has my handwriting matured (though my taste for brightly coloured inks has not) but my nature as my Master's submissive has changed as well.

i know Master has hopes for how our relationship matures, and that there are bloggers out there that i read who have the kind of 24/7 M/s relationships that Master would like us to grow into. Not that we'll be exactly like them, (i'm not quite as masochistic as Kaya and CarrieAnn are, for example) but further from the place where i question and doubt what He expects. i see progress there, i really do ─ i'm getting better about keeping doubts and questions out of His ears ─ and i see how far i have yet to go.

i see the difference in myself when i look at His needs, and ignore my nagging "wants", because i am beginning to see those "wants" of mine as superflous, more like decorations on a cake (not even quite as important as icing). i am feeling more confident in my place with Him, and know that i do hold value to Him, despite the fact that i am nothing more than His property, an object.

It was a fascinating experience, to see the differences between then and now so clearly. Now, someday, i kind of hope to find the very first journal. Which i hope is still somewhere among the stuff Master and i have hauled around for the last decade. But it will have to wait for another one of those rare days when the desire to be rid of the pack-rat piles strikes.