Recently, i have been petulant. More so when Master attempts to ground me, to remind me that regardless of the changes that have caused such upheaval in our lives that i still belong to Him.
That almost sounds like an excuse, as i look back over that paragraph. It's not meant to. And more and more, i am realizing that i must be cautious when i speak. Not only mindful of my words, but how i say them, the intent with which i say them and the reason for saying them.
In the ever growing relationship that Master and i have, things have to change to allow for growth. Recently, Master deemed that we were far enough along, that He knows me well enough, to banish excuses from my lips and safe words from our scenes. He expects me to continue to communicate with Him, regarding my feelings, my hurts, and how i feel during a scene, but excuses and safe words are gone.
But back to the petulance that has colored my behavior. The other night, Master gave me a task to complete after He headed off for work, which included orgasms. In every instance, without fail, i am to thank Him for those gifts. But when i finished the task, the only words i included were "As ordered, Master". As i looked at those words on the tiny screen of my phone, the thought bumbled through my head that i should add that i was grateful. i can't say for sure how long i looked at that message before i hit send, but i pondered. And sent the text as it was.
A petulant slave at her best. Er. Worst.
Therein lies my problem. i am aware that i need to be especially mindful of what i say and how it is said, especially to Master, but when i remind myself that my behavior and speech has been lacking in one very important factor ─ respect ─ that peevishness raises its ugly head and i make no progress, no change.
What aggravates me, regarding this petulance that has found its way into me, woven itself through the fabric of who i am, is that i see it, and allow it to send me further into behaviors that i know Master will find displeasing. Further, i am saddened that while i do see progress from where i was in 2003, this disrespectful behavior is dragging me backwards in my progression as my Master's slave.
The truth is, life is full of changes. We are all forced into situations that we find unpleasant, from time to time. And there are positive changes too, like the growth of the relationship that i have with Master, the personal growth He has helped me achieve and the continuing healing of my heart and psyche. Changes should not cause petulant behavior, much less the disrespectful tone that has obviously led me into a heap of trouble.
More respect, less petulance. Starting...now.