Thursday, October 2, 2008

Of piles and the past...

In one of my sometimes, occasional, rare, and completely unpredictable desires to become more organized, i found one of my old handwritten journals from years ago, which promptly caused the cessation of the attempt to cleanse some of my clutter. Of course i had to stop working on my piles and piles of papers, old bills, old newspapers (hey, i love the smell of newsprint and ink, not to mention criticizing the heck out of the typical graphic designer) and other random bits of my collection to read said journal. It's in my nature to be nosy, and i'm often the victim of my own curiosity. (Is that a sad thing?)

Regardless. This old, handwritten journal was an interesting look back on what my submission meant to me at the time, about what i thought was important to our M/s and D/s dynamics, about who i was and where i thought we were going. In reading those old entries (from 2003, by the by) i realized a few things about where i've come from and what i believe.

As i skimmed the old, black journal, and my burbly little-girl-like handwriting in brightly coloured (and sometimes glittered) inks, i realized that at the time i had no idea where our relationship was going to take us, i was very selfish about what i received from the relationship at the time, and lacked confidence in who i was and my importance to Master. The beliefs inherent in the writings suggested that i was extraordinarily fragile, afraid of my shadow and that what i wanted from the relationship was as important as what Master needed.

Looking at that, surrounded by my piles (and evidence of my inclination to save everything) i'm pleased to say that i see some positive change in myself. Not only has my handwriting matured (though my taste for brightly coloured inks has not) but my nature as my Master's submissive has changed as well.

i know Master has hopes for how our relationship matures, and that there are bloggers out there that i read who have the kind of 24/7 M/s relationships that Master would like us to grow into. Not that we'll be exactly like them, (i'm not quite as masochistic as Kaya and CarrieAnn are, for example) but further from the place where i question and doubt what He expects. i see progress there, i really do ─ i'm getting better about keeping doubts and questions out of His ears ─ and i see how far i have yet to go.

i see the difference in myself when i look at His needs, and ignore my nagging "wants", because i am beginning to see those "wants" of mine as superflous, more like decorations on a cake (not even quite as important as icing). i am feeling more confident in my place with Him, and know that i do hold value to Him, despite the fact that i am nothing more than His property, an object.

It was a fascinating experience, to see the differences between then and now so clearly. Now, someday, i kind of hope to find the very first journal. Which i hope is still somewhere among the stuff Master and i have hauled around for the last decade. But it will have to wait for another one of those rare days when the desire to be rid of the pack-rat piles strikes.

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