Another step forward.

Early this month, i completed a journey. Roughly 2 years ago, Master allowed me to return to college, and this time, i actually finished the program i set out to complete. Er. Well, an equivalent program, anyway. (i returned to be a nurse, but frankly, i wouldn't trust me with a needle, and daymares of what i must have looked like in the OR as a patient made me change my mind.) Regardless, i walked across the stage, took that little piece of paper, and as soon as i saw Master, put it in His hands. It was something i worked hard at, for Him, because it was something He allowed me to do for me. His GPA continues to outshine my own, but i came close!!

And while that is done, we are scrambling, desperate to relocate. While i have loved the region in which we live, Master has not been as fond of it, and it is time for a change. We have both been seeking new opportunities in the region we'd rather be, and continue to look for housing. Ultimately, we're very picky. We've been spoiled by the opportunity to rent a full blown house with a full blown yard (cheaply!), and looking at returning to apartment buildings is...well...(sigh). We're determined to make the relocation happen though.

So among the boxes, the house hunting, the barely-still-a-toddler with teenage ideas and behavior, we're still here. Still  squeezing in kinky things. Still stressed out. But moving forward, step by step.

Complicated/Coexisting

So. School is over. But, somehow or another things aren't as calm and centered as i hoped. i haven't spent a day caged or chained, at His mercy while He takes care of the "real world" confining me to being His object, something unimportant in His life.

And while i'm grateful for His understanding, His patience and acceptance of my wants and needs, i am also hoping that the day that He yanks me out of reality will happen soon.

An interesting thing has come about in my slavery. i think i'm a better functioning person, i have more self-value. i'm a better partner. i'm a better parent. But i'm also none of those things - i am not a person, i am property, an object. In ten years, the conflict that i perceived has come to coexist. That's not exactly right -- there isn't a conflict, i just thought there would be.

Sure, sometimes i don't feel balanced. Master is perceptive of that, and while not generally happy that i can't always quash those feelings and just be the object He owns, He gives me the time i need. But those fragments of me, they aren't fragments anymore, they are components of the whole, components of my identity, and i need all of them to be satisfied with all of it.

i am a better person than i was when Master took me as His. But i know He didn't make me better for my sake, it wasn't out of some noble purpose. Master made me better because it's what He wants from me. Ideally, i'd spend far more time at His mercy and hurting then we are capable of forcing into the few hours we have, but He wanted me to have greater self-value and yet no self-value.

So, soon, i hope, we can find a bit of time for me to sink all the way to the worthless part of me, the part that delights in the isolation, pain, the object, the thoughtless property...

i'm ready for it.....

Stolen time

We've been terrible about posting.

And, though we've still gone about our business, been who we are, there hasn't been a lot of time for us to run our kinks in the foreground of our lives. Sad! There are still the subtleties of our Master and slave dynamic, but we haven't had an opportunity to really scene for a while. This is, of course, taking its toll on both of us. Probably Master more than i.

But i miss that simplicity. While me going back to school for a new career makes financial sense for us, it's really hard for Master because i have so much homework, Master feels that i have been stolen from Him. Or at least the time i have has been subverted. It's a bitter cup to know that Master can't simply do everything He wishes, to put me at His feet, to confine me from the world because of this change.

i want that back. i do. i want to know that every second of my time is truly Master's. That there are no draws on my time that aren't what He wants from me.

But, because we are who we are, no matter how many different angles we look at our situation from, it seems our best choices, for our sanity, to succeed as who we want to be, all involve something taking my time away from Master.

Coming to terms with these things has been difficult for both of us. Master at least seems to be paying attention to these turmoils within Himself, recognizing how it is effecting Him. On the other hand, i seem to be shutting down parts of myself, entering another period of self-denial. i attempt to ignore the aspects of myself that cry out for Master to dominate me, to crush me beneath His heel. (Fail, at that, btw, for even subconsciously, i'm putting myself beneath the tread of His boots.)

Everything about our lives has been a steady stream of change for the last four years, if not the bulk of our 11 years together. Things are in constant flux, and we have found our way through most of it as Master and slave, but it has not been easy, nor has it been a clear road. We can only hope that through this next period of change we will hold tightly to the thing that has continuously brought us closer together, that is, being Master and slave, as we move through this change.

Thankfully, the semester is nearly over, so there will be some time that there will be no subversions of the time that belongs to Master.