Monday, November 2, 2009

Stolen time

We've been terrible about posting.

And, though we've still gone about our business, been who we are, there hasn't been a lot of time for us to run our kinks in the foreground of our lives. Sad! There are still the subtleties of our Master and slave dynamic, but we haven't had an opportunity to really scene for a while. This is, of course, taking its toll on both of us. Probably Master more than i.

But i miss that simplicity. While me going back to school for a new career makes financial sense for us, it's really hard for Master because i have so much homework, Master feels that i have been stolen from Him. Or at least the time i have has been subverted. It's a bitter cup to know that Master can't simply do everything He wishes, to put me at His feet, to confine me from the world because of this change.

i want that back. i do. i want to know that every second of my time is truly Master's. That there are no draws on my time that aren't what He wants from me.

But, because we are who we are, no matter how many different angles we look at our situation from, it seems our best choices, for our sanity, to succeed as who we want to be, all involve something taking my time away from Master.

Coming to terms with these things has been difficult for both of us. Master at least seems to be paying attention to these turmoils within Himself, recognizing how it is effecting Him. On the other hand, i seem to be shutting down parts of myself, entering another period of self-denial. i attempt to ignore the aspects of myself that cry out for Master to dominate me, to crush me beneath His heel. (Fail, at that, btw, for even subconsciously, i'm putting myself beneath the tread of His boots.)

Everything about our lives has been a steady stream of change for the last four years, if not the bulk of our 11 years together. Things are in constant flux, and we have found our way through most of it as Master and slave, but it has not been easy, nor has it been a clear road. We can only hope that through this next period of change we will hold tightly to the thing that has continuously brought us closer together, that is, being Master and slave, as we move through this change.

Thankfully, the semester is nearly over, so there will be some time that there will be no subversions of the time that belongs to Master.

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