Saturday, November 29, 2008

Choice less...

The focus for my slave's training as of late has been on the choice less nature of being a slave. How the lack of any personal will is less accurate in relation to a consensual slave than the knowledge that she does not get a choice in the actions that are dictated to her. Very few of us are looking for a doormat. Strong willed, opinionated subjects make for far more interesting slaves. The difference is in accepting that, thought willful and opinionated, they have absolutely no choice in their obedience and submission to their Masters. A perfect example of this and a training tool that I used just this evening follows:

My slave approached me and requested my permission to use the restroom to pee. With a rather evil smile on my face, I told her that she could indeed pee, but she would need to get a cup from the kitchen. She retrieved the last of the plastic cups we use for company and returned to the front room where I was waiting for her. I could tell that she had a pretty good idea what I wanted from her and also that I knew just how much she had a problem with it. My pet asked if she could use the bathtub, but I instead told her to squat down on the tile floor that serves as our tiny little foyer.

Blushing, but trying very hard to be obedient, she pulled down her pants, squatted right in front of our front door, and pissed in the cup.
I could see her struggling with the embarrassment and humiliation that I was subjecting her to, particularly when a small stream began to run down her leg to her pants. When she was finished, the real anger began to show. My slave quickly expressed how upset it made her to pee on herself like that, ruining one of the last clean pairs of pants, and how she had told me that it was not going work well to begin with.

Now, at this point I knelt her down at my feet and explained to her that she didn't have a choice in the matter. Whether or not she enjoyed or particularly liked the task I had assigned to her, she had no choice but to do it. Further, that the only thing at all she had any control over was how she went about doing it. It was up to her whether or not she was going to complete whatever task with the humility, poise, and composure that I expect from my slave, or whether she was going to pitch a fit and make things much worse for herself. I went on to explain that the small humiliation she had just suffered was nothing at all and that it could always be worse. I asked her whether or not I had made her smell it, to which she snapped yes! I asked her again, did I make her place the cup under her nose and take a deep breath? No, she said, her head down.

I then made her go retrieve the cup full of her acrid piss. When she returned to her knees at my feet I told her to put the cup under her nose and breath it in. With tears in her eyes, she obeyed. The cup slowly found its place just under her nose and she took a long slow breath. I reminded her again that she had no choice in the matter and that if I wanted her to drink it, she would one way or another. Poise, composure, grace, humility, gratitude; these are the things I expect from my slave. I then ordered her to taste her piss.

Despite the anger and fear in her eyes hiding behind the falling tears, my little slave did as she was told. Slowly the cup reached her lips and without much hesitation she took a sip. Impressively, my little slut held her piss in her mouth for over ten seconds before finally spitting it back into the cup, gagging. More tears escaped her angry eyes as I smiled into her glare. I corrected her posture so that her head was not tilted downward in such a scowl and asked her what she had learned.
"slave has no choice, Master," she said. Good, she is finally learning. I told her that it could still be worse and I could very easily watch her drink the whole cup down. I ordered her to compose herself and be grateful for the attention and that I hadn't yet ordered her to drink the rest. Slowly it sunk in and my slave did regain her composure.

I pulled her close and stroked her hair, telling her that she had no right to make judgments about things. I was not interested in her disgust, only her obedience. I added that if I were willing to do something, like taste her piss, then she most certainly could not refrain. I explained that there are even some hardcore health nuts that actually drink their own piss as part of an extreme health regiment, that they recommend it. Finally, much to her relief, I ordered her to dump and toss the cup, wash her mouth out, and return to me so that we could eat our dinner.

Following the meal and a little play in the front room, we retreated into the bedroom. Having been naughty and used a word forbidden to her a number of times in the previous days, I had her lie across the bed in anticipation of a paddling. Already forgetting that things could always be worse, I asked if she was ready and she snapped that she wasn't. Here I am, about to beat her ass for one misbehavior anyway, and she's getting mouthy. I asked her why she wasn't ready and she told me that she figured that I was about to use the nastiest of the paddles we have. A real heavy duty little number with a metal inlay, about two inches wide, and made from rubber. A truly masochistic friend of my slave who had previously bragged that she had taken a hog bat across the ass a couple of times and didn't even flinch, once
begged me to stop beating her ass after just three hits from this little baddie. It leaves impressive marks, guaranteed.

At any rate, holding the "nice" paddle in hand, I informed her that I was now going to use the evil paddle since she had bitched about it. My slave squealed and begged for me not to use that one and I reminded her again that she should be grateful and not bitch about things as they could most definitely get worse for her. Settling, she apologized for her remarks and begged to be punished. I informed her that I would be doubling the punishment and ordered her to count.
After ten swats, I told her the punishment for the word use was over. Now I was about to begin the punishment for her behavior. The next ten strokes I put more power into, making her jump and squirm and cry with each hit. When she complained I was making it harder on the second set I reminded her that this was the "nice" paddle, as she called it, and that I could still get the other one. My pet chose to finish out the remainder of the punishment with the nice paddle. When finished, I asked her if she had learned her lesson and what it meant. My slave said that she understood that she was to display poise, grace, and composure, she was suppose to be grateful, and most importantly that she didn't have any choice in the matter. I instructed her to kiss the "nice" paddle in gratitude and she obeyed quickly and eagerly.

Such a good girl I have, and such poignant lessons. Gratitude, humility, poise, composure; even in the face of things she does not like, even those its fair to say she hates. She has no choice, at all, ever. She can only effect how she submits and obeys and she should always remember, it could be so, so much worse...

Forwards or backward?

We have been very quiet here. Not that things have been especially quiet with us, but none of it has made it to even the multitudes of drafts piling in our dashboard. Not to say that we've been having a BDSM free-for-all either, but, there have been some very intense scenes we have shared...

Why have i not written sooner? Because there is a lot of turmoil in me right now, and it has made me hold every moment we have stolen together, every scene we've shared, every "i love you, girl" that has fallen from His lips, very close to my heart. i have pulled myself behind a wall, and have been treasuring those moments, privately, unwilling to share.

In sharing, i have to reveal my turmoil, my struggle, and i am not sure i am ready for that. In fact, i am saving this as a draft, for my Master to review and publish at His discretion.

i fight Him, at every turn, at every movement forward on our path, and He often asks me "Do you really want to be My slave? Is this really what you want?" He has voiced the paradoxical question frequently, at every outburst, at every struggle that i present to Him, offering the one without choice a choice...

i do, despite my strong will, independent nature and other random issues, desire to belong completely to my Master. Yet, after coming so far, and evolving as much as we have ─ even entering a period where roles and orders weren't often challenged by poor behavior on my part ─ looking at where i am and my inner turmoil, i am disgusted.

Strangely, i know i am far better off than i was at the beginning of our forays into our Master and slave relationship. i know i have made progress, but i cannot help but be annoyed, disheartened, sorrowful, flat-out pissed, morose, enraged and disgusted by my behavior which brings Master to ask me that question.

For Master, there is no in between. He sees Himself always as a Master, one with a strikingly dominant personality. i too, see this in Him ─ He is dominant, desiring control and, from time to time, quite domineering. For me, there is no in between either. i have shed the skin of myself that can live without a Master and slave dynamic, i cannot imagine stripping our lives of BDSM, and the idea of such a life horrifies me...

Yet this turmoil prevents me from relaxing my grip on my perceived reality, keeps me trying desperately to hold on to what i cannot grasp and hinders forward progress on the path that Master has set before me...

i suppose, in time, in talking with Master, i will find my way around it, but the answer to the paradoxical question remains the same: i want nothing more than to be my Master's willing slave...

Sunday, November 16, 2008

i know you're out there...

Somewhere. (Anybody recognize that?)

i know we have some semi-regular visitors nowadays. i also know that people are curious creatures.

So. Because my Master would like to know that you're out there, and because i know you're out there, i'm going to say... Ask questions. What have we not blogged about that you must know? Nothing is too inane, silly, random...

We'll answer them. Promise. Questions can be directed at one or both of us, and we'll copy 'em into a post, and start answering.

Who's first?