Forwards or backward?

We have been very quiet here. Not that things have been especially quiet with us, but none of it has made it to even the multitudes of drafts piling in our dashboard. Not to say that we've been having a BDSM free-for-all either, but, there have been some very intense scenes we have shared...

Why have i not written sooner? Because there is a lot of turmoil in me right now, and it has made me hold every moment we have stolen together, every scene we've shared, every "i love you, girl" that has fallen from His lips, very close to my heart. i have pulled myself behind a wall, and have been treasuring those moments, privately, unwilling to share.

In sharing, i have to reveal my turmoil, my struggle, and i am not sure i am ready for that. In fact, i am saving this as a draft, for my Master to review and publish at His discretion.

i fight Him, at every turn, at every movement forward on our path, and He often asks me "Do you really want to be My slave? Is this really what you want?" He has voiced the paradoxical question frequently, at every outburst, at every struggle that i present to Him, offering the one without choice a choice...

i do, despite my strong will, independent nature and other random issues, desire to belong completely to my Master. Yet, after coming so far, and evolving as much as we have ─ even entering a period where roles and orders weren't often challenged by poor behavior on my part ─ looking at where i am and my inner turmoil, i am disgusted.

Strangely, i know i am far better off than i was at the beginning of our forays into our Master and slave relationship. i know i have made progress, but i cannot help but be annoyed, disheartened, sorrowful, flat-out pissed, morose, enraged and disgusted by my behavior which brings Master to ask me that question.

For Master, there is no in between. He sees Himself always as a Master, one with a strikingly dominant personality. i too, see this in Him ─ He is dominant, desiring control and, from time to time, quite domineering. For me, there is no in between either. i have shed the skin of myself that can live without a Master and slave dynamic, i cannot imagine stripping our lives of BDSM, and the idea of such a life horrifies me...

Yet this turmoil prevents me from relaxing my grip on my perceived reality, keeps me trying desperately to hold on to what i cannot grasp and hinders forward progress on the path that Master has set before me...

i suppose, in time, in talking with Master, i will find my way around it, but the answer to the paradoxical question remains the same: i want nothing more than to be my Master's willing slave...