Friday, July 25, 2008

Hard Work

It is said that birth order has a lot to do with our emerging personalities as we get older. Only children are more assertive and yet more withdrawn from social interactions than the “babies” of the family. Middle children are laid back and go with the flow, but the child who has younger siblings is often bossy and directive.

i wanted to go into all of that because my submission doesn't come very naturally for me – i am the older sibling in my family. While i'd rather that someone else take the lead, mostly i want them to lead in the direction i want to go. All of this sometimes makes it very difficult for me to submit. i have an idea of where i want to go, and while Master encourages me to communicate these thoughts and desires with Him, it's His decision, His will, that guides us through the journey we are taking together.

Master, incidentally, is an only child. He is assertive, knows what He wants and has few qualms about the how of indulging His cravings. He is very naturally dominant – but He does tend to withdraw Himself from social interactions that are not happening on His terms. Usually meaning, the bossy, directive girl has made her presence known.

It's a reoccurring lesson in our household. Master's wants, not mine. Master's desires, not mine. His slave is just His property, an object.

People in 24/7 Total Power Exchanges (TPE's) often mention “brainwashing”, but i've found that to be a misnomer. The dominant partner in TPE's is actually in a sense, re-sculpting what already exists. i don't believe the essence of the submissive/slave is washed away in these relationships, but built up and shaped to suit the dominant partner. And that's not, in my opinion, “brainwashing”.

i've not thought that Master was “brainwashing” me, but after the mini-scene we had last night, i do see that i am being changed, subtly, to accept Master's will without thinking of what i want.

Laying there, bound and hearing Master talk to me as an undercurrent of the pain He was inflicting, i realized that i have fought Him at every turn as He put a rule in place (even if i suggested the rule), until i come to the point where i realize that His will is stronger than my own, and i want to be an obedient slave He is proud to own. Trying to answer His questions while my brain was busy processing the pain, my thoughts were running in circles around the fact that i need someone to create structure for me.

In the years we have been together, He has worked with me, He has created the structure that i need to function without floundering. He has changed me from a sometimes masochist to a pain slut, from a girl who was timid in bed to a writhing whore and is changing me from an opinionated and bossy brat (not attractive qualities, are they?) to an intelligent, thinking and willing slave. He has invested His time, His masterly energies and His sadistic tendencies to build me into something more than i was.

i'm not perfect. i'm disobedient, willful and opinionated. But He knows these things. And more and more, He refuses to give in to my whimpering and whining. More and more, He is working the willful and stubborn streak out of me. He is continuing to sculpt me into the slave He desires.

i'm happiest as a submissive – and more so as His slave. While blind obedience does not come naturally, i feel grounded and centered when i am pleasing to Him. The world scares me less now that i identify as His property than it did when i was the eldest child being bossy and directive. Now that i work to follow Him as He wishes, i feel more confident in my skin. i know that there is still a lot of work that needs doing – but i trust that Master will do what it takes to bring me to a place where i cease to question His will, where i can remember it's never about what i want, but what He thinks i need.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Kinky camping

A few years back, my Master bought a whole slew of camping gear. We'd be super prepared for when we went camping, and it would be awesome. Master has this idea in His head about combining an outing into the wilderness with some kinky fun, but i've never been sold on the idea. And something always seems to come up to interfere with Master's grand schemes (not always me, i'd like to point out).

Yes, i've been camping before - in fact at least once every summer until i turned sixteen, it was our annual vacation, and quite fun. Believe it or not, i actually like fishing and camping. But i'm not sure about mixing camping with kink.

Now, i know that cartoon above is just silly, because Master would probably remember to bring lots of rope, along with plenty of other toys, but there's still one or two other little matters.

One, i don't like dirt (though i don't like being in cold water just as much) and two, there are bugs out there, and i don't get along with bugs. They give me the creepy crawlies. And truthfully, i'd want to go fishing, but Master would be more interested in leaving me tied to a tree (and tree bark is scratchy).

Yet, there is the camping gear, looming and waiting for the opportune moment to be packed up, along with a few choice toys (which would, most likley, fall into the same category as the bugs and dirt) by Master for a weekend getaway. And i'm sure that someday, it'll happen. Master will come back burbling and happy, and i will come back sore, tired and less clean than i'd like, but probably just as happy.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Graphoerotica and U/us

The concept of writing witty and sexual things on a slave like a billboard advertising campaign is something we have all probably seen a lot. How many of us have actually done it? What is the right medium? I am sure that many people have thought about it and maybe even tried it.

One of the concerns that I have been saddled with in the past has been what to use to write on my fleshy canvas. I have seen lipstick used pretty readily with varying degrees of success, however, I am not a fan of lipstick as it transfers too readily. You also want something that is going to show well, either on camera or maybe in the low light of a club setting.

I have had the misfortune to convince myself that ketchup would be a good medium as it would show well on this particularly dim camera W/we once had. Don't do that!:) For those of you who are now laughing at this, I admit I deserve it in this instance. The vinegar in the ketchup stings the flesh and is not the best writing medium; now if what your looking for is sensation play that will get the slave squirming, then you might want to consider it.

Perhaps the best and most interesting medium would be henna. A flesh stain that is permanent and takes sometimes months for it to dissipate as the stained skin cells need to flake off. Henna now comes in a variety of colors, as I understand, and can be found in most art stores like Hobby Lobby.

W/we have, when testing out the appearance of the symbol that will soon be my slave's mark of ownership upon her leg, used dry erase markers because they are not toxic, nor are they particularly permanent. However, they are dry erase so they transfer too easily.

Now, last night, my slave and I retired to the bedroom with the notion of attempting some body art using Sharpie markers and some gel pens. Sharpie state themselves to be non toxic, but the idea of permanent markers still makes me a little wary. So, I lay my slave out on the bed, and after some testing with a thin dowel rod as a potential cane, W/we settled into try it out.

I bound my slave with her wrists bound to her shoulders and her elbows bound in tight to her sides. Her knees and ankles bound together with a vibrator stuck between her bound thighs. Then I broke out the tens and wired her up. Now, it is always fun to wire a slave up with things that are going to make her wiggle and writhe, then order her to stay still lest her movements ruin some objective of yours such as body writing or balancing a glass upon her back or ass, etc.

One thing you need to know about body writing is that it is not like writing on paper. Obvious right? The flesh moves and pulls and the ink will bleed a little bit, so the finer the tip, the better the results. Also, like tattoos, if you mess up, it stays that way; so having a good idea of what you want before you start is a good idea. I have never found myself to be all that good of a free form artist. Don't get me wrong, I can most certainly draw but I like to erase a lot. Also, when trying to draw or write on a wiggling, shuddering slave who is begging to cum can be a bit distracting.

I started with something of a definition of slavery upon her right shoulder. However, I started with a pretty standard Sharpie and therefore the lettering was large, bold, and hardly as stylistic as I was hoping. Also the definition was less poetic than I was hoping for. So I decided to switch to one of my favorite gel pens. On the left shoulder I wrote out a more poetic sort of mantra regarding her slavery. It was definitely more stylized but also fainter.

The experiment continued, sporadically interrupted by my girl's need to cum, and I added some other odds and ends, including a "Property of" mark in the center of her lower back, her slave's creed on her left butt cheek, her slave motto on her right butt cheek, and a playing card of the Ace of Hearts upon her right calf that turned out pretty well. (I intend to post some of the photos from this session upon my Fetlife profile so feel free to check it out.)

All followed by a rather fantastic doggy style fucking to end the night, in which my slave reached back to massage my balls for the first time, if not ever then the first time in a long while. I shot a really heavy load into the palm of her offered hand. Hot!! The nice thing about the markers W/we were using is that they wash off for the most part, leaving faint ghosts of what was written as opposed to bright, dark writing that can rub or transfer in the night, marking up the bedding.

Writing on the body of a slave is fun and really sexy. The slogans can be loving, tender, brutal, sexy, slutty, etc. Humiliating the slave by advertising her as a cum dump, or offering her finer attributes like an auctioneer at a meet swap, whatever you wish to do. Sometimes just drawing designs or images transforming her into a living work of art. Fantastic fun for all. Enjoy...

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

In Flux

Though we've had almost ten years to establish our patterns, protocols and rules, they have always been in flux. Often, i challenge the things He wants (though honestly without meaning to). Our household, and the way we have run it, is another thing that is constantly in flux. Which quite obviously, contributes to changes in our dynamic.

Entwining real life and a 24/7 M/s relationship is always a challenge. Especially, when the parties involved are both opinionated and have their own ideas on how things work and who is responsible for what. (Yes, i am an ornery, opininated girl. Go figure.)

For example, i've never been great at managing household tasks, but even though i'm a bit of a recluse, i have been pretty comfortable working outside the home with other people. This is not the same for my Master. Though He was a His younger days, He had a better grasp of managing to operate a clean home, but is rarely comfortable working outside the home with other people. So when i have thoughts about what should be where, when the dishes should be done, where things belong and how often the carpet needs to be vacuumed, Master has His own thoughts and it's often hard for me to come to terms with that.

Recently, i've had a bit more inclination to run a cleaner home (though i still have yet to figure out how to balance all the things that need doing) but, my skills outside the home may need me to leave the managing of a functioning household to my Master. As i know it is His least favorite task, i feel guilty for not being able to do a better job of it.

All this, leaves me in a state of flux - the reorginization of priorities and managing being away from home and yet, still manage to come home to Master and be His, without question and without challenging His systems. Despite the fluxes, i am sure that in time, we will again find a balance to our lives and our dynamic. But in the meantime, both of us are a little edgy, a little overly critical (okay, maybe i'm the one that's overly critical) and frustrated by the need for changes in rules and protocols.

Nothing in life is ever set in stone - especially not in a 24/7 dynamic. In fact, as of yet, i don't know if i will cease to be His stay-at-home slave or if i will have to balance a career and my slavery. Things may change tomorrow, or not for weeks, months or whatever time measurement is appropriate, but they may not change at all. It may be that my focus needs to continue to be learning to manage the home better than i have.

Whatever it takes, i want Master to be happy with me, in whatever situation real life and our 24/7 lifestyle require.