Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Hopeful despair...

Since the last time i wrote, Master and i have had the opportunities to spend some quality time playing, despite the franticness that comes with my return to school each semester.

While i didn't cope well with the scene on January 11th, and have been struggling, i am still (forever) Master's property, and feel like his property. The struggle has been primarily in what feels good for both my brain and my body, and the feeling of disconnect that remains between the two. Though i know Master's first impulse is to crush me beneath His boot with force when this dichotomy appears, i am grateful that He has crushed me beneath His boot with some gentleness.

On Sunday, the house was stunningly quiet, and Master and i knew we needed to take the opportunity (as my classes resumed the following day) and we did so. Out came rope and the hood - but it wasn't just any rope, like the nice soft nylon, no, it was the sisal rope. i do love the sisal because it doesn't tend to slide and pinch, but i hate the sisal because the reason it doesn't slide and pinch is because it digs into you, stabbing you with a thousand little slivers. i cannot help but feel utterly helpless in that stuff, even if my hands are free - in a sense it reminds me of an electric fence - there is nothing you can do to get around it.

As i lay there, Master retrieved something that we hadn't talked about before hand, one of His favorite and rare indulgences . . . a plastic bag (shudder). Some aspects of breath play i adore - but this is not one of them (though i trust Him), this one, all i can do is endure*. And i despaired. i have given myself so completely, that those cruelties He springs upon me change nothing. i am His to do with as He pleases. Following the removal of the bag, still gasping for air inside the leather hood, still wrapped in sisal rope, He fucked me, used me, and finished with His property.

Under a warm shower after He released me, the despair passed, as it always does, life resumes . . . and i am reminded that i am owned.

* i wish i didn't have to emphasize this, but breath play is dangerous. Master and i are experienced players, are well aware of the risks and have done our best to minimize those risks while still choosing to indulge our fantasies.

1 comment:

trinity-pup said...

i second the point made about breath play - trust is everything and knowing what you're doing is key. There's something about plastic bags that scares me too, and SG has only used one a couple of times, but the fear and rush are just like nothing else.

t. x