Sunday, October 4, 2009

Under pressure...

Some days, there should be a warning floating over my head. This whole "learning to have more grace thing" isn't going as well as i would like it to. Some days, i feel like i'm about to burst because there is so much that needs to be done.

We've mentioned before that i have gone back to college. As a full time student for the first time in ten years, and leaving the house on a regularly scheduled basis for the first time in almost two years, it's a little crazy for me. There are days when i have to talk myself into leaving our home. An inner monologue that sounds something like "Master thinks this is good for you. It'll be good for all of us in the long run. He wants you to go, so get out the damn door!"

Regardless, between homework, housework, playing with our kiddo, teaching kiddo the basics, and trying to make sure I meet as many of Master's needs as i can, i feel a little thin. i feel like i haven't had time to center myself.

So when my first tablet and new computer art program arrived, i was very excited and hoped to spend a few uninterrupted hours learning to use said tablet. (i guess i move the paper around a lot when i draw, because that's my biggest trouble translating from paper to screen.) But Master looked at me, and told me flatly that those uninterrupted hours would have to wait until i had done all the dishes that had stacked up over the last frazzling week and completed a test for one of my classes.

i knew He was right. Those things needed to be done. But i felt so sorry for myself ─ because nobody cares that i "never" get to do the things i want to do. i sulked, pouted and huffed out loud, while in my head i knew i was complaining about something i didn't want: fairness. i don't want it to be fair. And it wasn't fair of me to neglect those chores, or the school-work that needed to be done.

Master does His best to keep me on the straight and narrow. And even with His help, i stray.

Since the incident, i have had a few hours here and there spent playing with the tablet and program Master bought for me, and i don't feel sorry for myself. i'm frustrated because, yet again, i didn't compose myself with grace when Master reminded me of the order that needs to be kept.

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