Shock. Surprise. Desperation. Fear. Awe.
All feelings i experienced in the last several weeks. In the course of moments. Every day.
While i never shared the birth story of our kiddo with the kink community, it define(s)(ed) - (as i'm not sure which tense is truly correct with the new information) - my experience as a parent. The birth of our munchkin in 2007 was traumatic for me, to say the least. It wasn't the natural, beautiful, woman-hood embracing experience i'd hoped for. Hence, my hope that Master-Reaper would be satisfied with one child. He was; though both of us often looked fondly at munchkin's infancy pictures and thought of how precious those moments were, how beautiful...
(A brief interjection to comment that my first pregnancy was awesome. i knew i was pregnant before the pregnancy test, i felt pregnant, and it was awesome - i even embraced my "morning sickness" which really lasted all day, and my only significant symptom until the weeks leading to munchkin's birth.)
Four years later, and America's insistence that the only forms of birth control which are readily available without jumping through hoops is abstinence or condoms (both of which i seem to frequently have bad reactions to) led to the events that have caused my emotions to run through cartwheels.
In March, due to the county clinic being overrun and understaffed, i was unable to continue low-dose birth control pills. Because they made me feel awful anyway, i figured this would be a good opportunity to see if my body could self regulate again. (let me just say, i will freely admit that i'm an idiot sometimes.)
i didn't have a cycle that month (when i say i didn't have a cycle, i mean - possibly TMI - there were no signs of ovulation, menses etc.); so i took a pregnancy test, with a negative result. "Whew! Of course, it took Master-Reaper and i years to conceive our first child. i'm sure i'm not going to get pregnant at the drop of a hat," i thought.
i didn't have a cycle in April. i figured it was just because my back was in poor alignment. That'd happened before. i felt absolutely normal, other than my spine running along like a zig-zag.
i didn't have a cycle in May. i figured it was just the stress of finishing school and finding a new place to live more than 60 miles away from the current residence. i felt absolutely normal, other than i wanted to pull out my hair.
i didn't have a cycle in June. i was ill, had the worst fever ever, in the midst of a run of 100 degree temperature days. Our munchkin was sick too. Besides being feverish and disgusted with the flavor of water, i felt absolutely normal, and attributed the missing period to illness (that's happened to me before, after all).
i didn't have a cycle in July. i started having night sweats. i was starting to think that my experience with munchkin's delivery and the birth control had spurred a possible early onset of menopause. "That'd be nice," i thought. "i hate periods!" Beyond the night sweats, i felt absolutely normal.
August freaked me out. i felt normal, but by the last of the month, still no signs of anything remotely like a cycle. So when September arrived, i attacked it with another pregnancy test, so i could take it to a clinic and say "What is wrong with me? Do i have cancer?"
And got a Big Fat Positive.
i didn't feel pregnant. i didn't look pregnant.
Somewhere between late 2012 and early 2013, there will be a munchkin number 2. Master-Reaper and i are . . . Shocked. Surprised. Desperate. Fearful. Awed.
And i'm in love with the little secret, who made their presence known only after the pregnancy test, with a swift and significant jab to the ribs. It's a sneaky and resilient babe, much like its father, and has all the indications of being as healthy and perfect as munchkin number 1. While definitely unplanned, and will have an impact on how often i'm able to attend the local scene (boo), Master-Reaper and i are looking forward to welcoming munchkin number 2 into our arms...