Saturday, October 14, 2017

Blame and Shame

So. Another big celebrity is in the news with accusations of sexual assault, Harvey Weinstein. But that's not what's prompted me to put words to page tonight. Mayim Bialik, actress from “Blossom” and “The Big Bang Theory,” a neuroscientist, mother, and feminist had a bit or two to say about it.

Quick note about the following links: I am not providing hyperlinks to these as I am not looking for pingbacks, nor wanting to provide pingbacks to these articles and blogs. You'll need to copy and paste them into your browser's address bar.

On her own blog (link:, in the New York Times opinion section (link: and as a vlog on youtube (link:, she's had lots to say about it.

What breaks me is that one of her most strongly held self-descriptors is “feminist,” and yet, in each one of those links I've given you above, she lays some of the blame on the survivors. She insinuates that she's avoided that kind of attention because of her choices to dress modestly and because she's “not a perfect ten.”

Bialik says in her vlog, that strip clubs and places where people are paid to have sex are not places people should go...she goes on to slam pornography, “ingesting pornography rarely elevates you as a human being, and likely contributes to the degradation and abuse of men and women.”

I'm not a sex worker. I've never been paid for any of the pictures or videos that we've put out there. But dammit. If people are having fun, and happy about what they do, why are we objecting to them providing it? I am a woman and it is my choice to participate in sex, in (amateur) porn, to decide if I want to go to a strip club, or be involved in a threesome. I have the right to choose those things.  I know I'm not really being coherent about this. I'm mad; I'm mad at the continual blaming and shaming that feminists like Bialik continue to put out there.

Ultimately; I am capable of making rational decisions. I am capable of choosing how to be happy. Everyone has that right. Not just people that are modest, not just people who don't want to sell something people are willing to buy. Hell, I don't love every picture that is up on FetLife – I might hate the angle of my nose or how floppy my belly skin looks – but damn, I am proud of the fun that Master and I have.

Blaming and shaming has to stop.

Has. To. Stop.

I was 17. Like Bialik, I also did not (still don't) consider myself a perfect ten. My nose is too big, my under-bite too deep, my muscles and belly too soft. I've never been part of the popular crowd. I've never been the cheerleader. I've never been good at flirting. I was wearing jeans and a loose sweater. There were no bra straps, no exposed belly. Pretty modest. I said no. I said no, over and over and over, until it was over.

I have never publicly exposed my rapist. I never wanted to, because I knew what most people would have said.

“You should have known better.”
“Boys will be boys.”
“Why were you there?”

The first person I ever confessed the event to was Master Reaper.

And up until this blog...only a handful of people knew.

1 comment:

helem said...

Thanks for writing and please hang around for a while. Your blog is one of my favorites and I'd be really sad to see it go dark