Angst

The other day, Master-Reaper was obviously feeling down. It always bothers me when He's not happy, even though time and time again He's reminded me that "make Him happy" is not in the tenants He gave me. So i'm doing my best to do what i am supposed to be doing, but i asked what had Him down. Our discussion led Him to say essentially, that He feels i don't need, desire or crave the kink as much as He does, that He feels He is just dragging me along and the only reason i do it is because He wants it.

Ouch.

And so depressing.

All my life, i've had these kinky day dreams, as a teen i wrote a lot of twisted erotica where my main (usually female) character was the property of someone else...

Right now, our opportunities to live out those little (and not so little) fantasies are limited. Our oldest kiddo is an insomniac, manifesting much like my own, an inability to go to sleep and an inability to stay asleep, and our youngest kiddo, well obviously she's just little and still needs me more than she needs anything else. *sigh* We love our children and the little miracles they are. But they do impact our kinky practices and sex life (duh).

So in the interim, i'm struggling to charge forward and serve the best i can, in the ways that i can. Ultimately, the question stands; is that enough?

Is it?

The answer is, pardon my french, fuck no, it isn't enough.

Sooner or later, if we can't meet our kinky needs in a significant way, we're going to blow up at each other. It's the way of it. We've done it before. We aren't perfect rainbows and sunshine, we're human and we're not getting a serious need met. Domestic service just does not fulfill the sadist nor the masochist. Domestic service alone does not enforce our Owner/property dynamic. Or even Owner/pet. With the kink, the pain, the reality of our dynamic missing, i feel like i am drowning and so frustrated with the domesticity...

So why does Master-Reaper think i don't want it? Because while i've recovered (largely) from the c-section, i'm still healing. Because i recently injured my back (figures, those muscles were over-strained when they were over-compensating for my belly being split open) and He's considered that i have kiddos to chase around. i do want the kink, the pain, but realistically, i don't see our schedule truly accommodating a good solid hour of time just for kink, so why bother? So i just stew about it silently, no outward sign that i'm loosing my footing because i haven't been hurt. i just grin and bear it because life isn't fucking fair, and i suck at admitting that my needs are unmet. Doesn't matter what kind of need it is, but if it's mine, i'll suck it up and swallow it until i break down...

So here, i am, crying and screaming here on this blog that things aren't perfect and wonderful because we have kids, who are amazing, but we haven't found our balance with two yet. We will, i know we will...because honestly, Master-Reaper and i have been through tougher shit than this. But in the interim...well...it just sucks.

And now, i'll go back to suffering in silence, missing the depths of our depravity until we find more time to venture from the shallow end of the pool.

Meadering musing... (A completely disorganized ramble)

It's amazing how much can change in such a little time.

Of course, most of the changes here come down to one once-little miracle. It seems that we've always been a family of four. But the lack of hard-core S&M missing is keenly felt. So is the lack of sex. Oh, sure, we've carved out a few moments for ourselves, though it seems the entire galaxy must be precisely aligned for such an event.

i'm extraordinarily grateful for Master-Reaper; for his support, kindness and patience as we are forcibly shifted back to more of a service-style D/s relationship. i'm also incredibly impatient for the day that we can start stealing more of the awesome hardcore S&M moments and cram those back into an admittedly busy schedule.

As more time passes, i'm beginning to really feel healed...throughout the healing process from our littlest kidlet, i felt enormously better than i felt during the first recovery process. No wonder the stories of c-sections are as varied as the stories of natural birth! We're still a good two to four months away from adding extra heavy impact play back into our options, due to the fragility of scar tissue, but if we have the time, opportunity and energy, there isn't much else we can't do.

Thank goodness for that.

In the meantime, i'll serve Master-Reaper in any little way i can...do my best to be domestic.

And look forward to those rare moments when the universe lines up to give us a shot at some play!