Angst

The other day, Master-Reaper was obviously feeling down. It always bothers me when He's not happy, even though time and time again He's reminded me that "make Him happy" is not in the tenants He gave me. So i'm doing my best to do what i am supposed to be doing, but i asked what had Him down. Our discussion led Him to say essentially, that He feels i don't need, desire or crave the kink as much as He does, that He feels He is just dragging me along and the only reason i do it is because He wants it.

Ouch.

And so depressing.

All my life, i've had these kinky day dreams, as a teen i wrote a lot of twisted erotica where my main (usually female) character was the property of someone else...

Right now, our opportunities to live out those little (and not so little) fantasies are limited. Our oldest kiddo is an insomniac, manifesting much like my own, an inability to go to sleep and an inability to stay asleep, and our youngest kiddo, well obviously she's just little and still needs me more than she needs anything else. *sigh* We love our children and the little miracles they are. But they do impact our kinky practices and sex life (duh).

So in the interim, i'm struggling to charge forward and serve the best i can, in the ways that i can. Ultimately, the question stands; is that enough?

Is it?

The answer is, pardon my french, fuck no, it isn't enough.

Sooner or later, if we can't meet our kinky needs in a significant way, we're going to blow up at each other. It's the way of it. We've done it before. We aren't perfect rainbows and sunshine, we're human and we're not getting a serious need met. Domestic service just does not fulfill the sadist nor the masochist. Domestic service alone does not enforce our Owner/property dynamic. Or even Owner/pet. With the kink, the pain, the reality of our dynamic missing, i feel like i am drowning and so frustrated with the domesticity...

So why does Master-Reaper think i don't want it? Because while i've recovered (largely) from the c-section, i'm still healing. Because i recently injured my back (figures, those muscles were over-strained when they were over-compensating for my belly being split open) and He's considered that i have kiddos to chase around. i do want the kink, the pain, but realistically, i don't see our schedule truly accommodating a good solid hour of time just for kink, so why bother? So i just stew about it silently, no outward sign that i'm loosing my footing because i haven't been hurt. i just grin and bear it because life isn't fucking fair, and i suck at admitting that my needs are unmet. Doesn't matter what kind of need it is, but if it's mine, i'll suck it up and swallow it until i break down...

So here, i am, crying and screaming here on this blog that things aren't perfect and wonderful because we have kids, who are amazing, but we haven't found our balance with two yet. We will, i know we will...because honestly, Master-Reaper and i have been through tougher shit than this. But in the interim...well...it just sucks.

And now, i'll go back to suffering in silence, missing the depths of our depravity until we find more time to venture from the shallow end of the pool.