Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Biting my tounge...

Master and i have struggled for a long time with my nature to control the environment i am in. There's a reason for this, for my dissociation, my desire to know what's coming next. The reason i have chosen not to face for years. Like all things, no matter how tightly they are packed away in your mind, it has emerged, no longer an abandoned memory stuffed into the recesses of my mind.

The memories are not the subject of this post, as i have spewed those memories elsewhere, and now, after Master and i have discussed them, i am going to attempt to curb my desire to control the situation, to be present instead of retreating when things get too hard and to fall again into that place of trust.

It's not easy. Master plans and plots a scene, and though i know i will benefit in being of service, being a pleasure to Him, i will ask question after question. Often leading the scene to destruction because i refuse to release my hold on expectations.

Even knowing where my questing tongue will lead the scene, and how it will make Him feel, as i attempt to curb my tongue, my body language betrays me. Being stiff and slack shouldered keys Master into the fact that i am holding back and not fully releasing myself into His hands. And He will ask, and i have to tell, leading to the ruination of the scene because biting my tongue wasn't enough.

And how that frustrates me and leads me into feeling like a failure.

i'm happiest with Him when i have relinqueshed control, when i allow myself to be present in the moment, sinking into the bliss of being His property, His plaything. In those moments, i feel more alive than ever. Over and over again, Master has proved that He knows me, down to the deepest core of smoky quartz of my soul. Master has shown me that He is the light that burns through me, that with Him, i become a blaze of light and allow myself to be who i really am.

Every moment with Master becomes a moment of bliss when i give myself over as completely as i promised when i chose to accept His collar. Every moment i am present, i become more than average.

It is time for me to allow the psychological damage to be burned away in trust. It is time for me to be greatful for every moment of our lives when we are who we are together. That means no more questions, no more slack-shouldered stiffness... It means, truly accepting that i am His, proudly, in every moment, without questions and doubt.

It is time to fulfill my promise to the one who owns my heart, my Master.

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