It’s complicated, as is the rest of me. My life is pretty damn wonderful. Our kids are spectacular little munchkins, Master loves me, he provides me the opportunity to be at home with our kids, and in between my jobs and chores and he gives me time to work on my art and spend time with people I want to spend time with. He spoils me. He takes care of me when I’m less able to take care of myself.
While I have every reason in the world to feel content and happy, and I know at the center of me, I am content and happy; the surface is often an oil spill of anger, sorrow and loneliness. The illogical surface turmoil is incredibly problematic; it makes leaving the house painful as much as staying in the house is painful.
Master and I have had some pretty great chances to play, and I don’t feel as lonely when he’s with me. I’m still prone to bursting out with nonsensical anger or falling into a puddle of unwanted tears. This starts the whole mess into a bigger tangle, because there’s no cause that he can fix, and he so desperately does not want me to feel unlike myself.
I’ll be back and writing more again…someday. But for now, I’m doing my best to find my way back to myself.