Non-Monogamy & Gregarious Flirts

Over the years of exploration, learning about my own sexuality, I've learned quite a bit. When I first entered the scene with Master (almost 20 years ago, for those counting), I didn't even really know bisexuality was a thing. Considering my family condemned gays and lesbians, and in general, talked about sex as if it were a secret thing that only a husband and wife could do, it's not surprising how much I had to learn. Of course, one of the big ones was polygamy, or non-monogamy, if you prefer.

Master is non-monogamous by nature. When we started dating again in High School, I could see that in him. I may not have understood the words I'm using now, but I knew that being with one, and only one, partner was going to be nearly impossible for him. How did I know this without the words?

Because even though he showed me how important I was to him, he was a gregarious flirt. He's charismatic when he wants to be. He loves lust (that's probably his number one kink).

So how does one cope with being in a non-monogamous relationship with a gregarious flirt? Here's what I know, and works for me. Maybe it will be helpful to someone you know, or you yourself, or maybe none of it is for you, and that's okay.

Before I go any further here, I have to stress that jealousy and envy don't really exist in me when it comes to Master and his partners. I do occasionally feel insecure, and uncertain, that he does want to be with me. I know what jealousy feels like, and for me, it is more often associated with an object than a person; I rarely have jealousy related to a relationship, but will often experience jealousy over something (house, car, computer, phone, etc.) that someone else has.

Now...My four personal steps in dealing with insecurity in my relationship:

First: I recognize the time Master invests in me. When he is with me, and I ask him for undivided attention, he gives me that. The moments he invests in me are what I use to fight back illogical thoughts of being less important to him. He's invested the time and attention to let me know I am important.

Second: Master's flirting and affection with others does not necessarily mean that he is actively pursuing another relationship. Sometimes he flirts just to flirt, sometimes he is seeking a little ego fluffing.

Third: When Master is pursuing another relationship, it is not to replace anyone he has a relationship with. He's practically insatiable, and if he had the time, he'd happily bounce from bed to bed, scene to scene. The man can be active for upwards of 36 hours without stopping. As it is, he's also a realist, and measures his time carefully and does his best not to fill it beyond his capabilities. Ethical non-monogamous people try to be sure that they have enough time for everyone; not just in the bedroom, but also for the emotional needs and considerations of their partners.

Fourth: There are certain places and times that he is more prone to seemingly random flirting. These are generally in lifestyle safe spaces. These are the places we all let our dark sides, our shadow selves, out to play. What better place to be yourself when you are an enormous flirt who loves BDSM? Knowing he's more prone to flirtatiousness at a BDSM friendly event helps me go back to review the first three and often realize he's just expressing what a great time he's having.

What do I do when I've looked at those four things and I'm still feeling insecure?

I communicate.

This is the most powerful tool in our relationship boxes, whether you are vanilla, kinky, monogamous,  non-monogamous or any combination of the above. I also have worked very, very hard at learning to use non-accusatory language. When I say “You are making me feel bad,” I'm accusing him, putting him on the defensive; this will frequently result in a yelling match and more hurt feelings.

If I turn that around though, and say something like “I'm not feeling very important to you right now. Can we talk about it?” I'm asking him to be on my side, I've expressed my feelings, let him know there's a problem and opened the discussion. When this discussion opens, it is super, super helpful to have an idea of how the balance can be restored; for me, sometimes, it's enough to have the conversation. Sometimes I need more; planning a date, planning to play a video game together...the things that make me see the stability in our relationship. The language used in this discussion really needs to be soft...

Starting your statements with yourself, using “I,” can get your point across without creating a need for your partner to go on the defensive. Compare my following example statements:

“I feel like you think she's more attractive,” or “You think she's more attractive.”

“I feel like our relationship might not be a priority to you,” or “You don't treat our relationship as if it is a priority.”

“I worry that you're looking for someone better,” or “You're looking for someone better.”

“I need to know if I'm as important to you as you are to me,” or “You don't think I'm important in this relationship, the way I think of you.”

The first ones are much softer, much kinder, more like opening a moment to be shared rather than a can of worms.

There are giant perks to being in a relationship with someone who loves to flirt. They are constantly stroking your ego as much as their own. In all of the gregarious flirts I've met (and I know a fair handful) they are deliriously infectious, they are good at making you feel good (in so many ways), and they have a glitter in their eyes that is enormously delightful. It isn't always easy to see them glitter and sparkle with someone else, but they adore their relationships, and work very, very hard to ensure that their partners can feel secure, appreciated, and valued.

If this is helpful, or you have questions about my perspective and/or relationships, I'd love to hear from you!

Blame and Shame

So. Another big celebrity is in the news with accusations of sexual assault, Harvey Weinstein. But that's not what's prompted me to put words to page tonight. Mayim Bialik, actress from “Blossom” and “The Big Bang Theory,” a neuroscientist, mother, and feminist had a bit or two to say about it.

Quick note about the following links: I am not providing hyperlinks to these as I am not looking for pingbacks, nor wanting to provide pingbacks to these articles and blogs. You'll need to copy and paste them into your browser's address bar.

On her own blog (link: groknation.com/hollywood/not-surprised-harvey-weinstein-heres/), in the New York Times opinion section (link: nytimes.com/2017/10/13/opinion/mayim-bialik-feminist-harvey-weinstein.html) and as a vlog on youtube (link: youtube.com/watch?v=WFb0EDl-JS8&feature=youtu.be), she's had lots to say about it.

What breaks me is that one of her most strongly held self-descriptors is “feminist,” and yet, in each one of those links I've given you above, she lays some of the blame on the survivors. She insinuates that she's avoided that kind of attention because of her choices to dress modestly and because she's “not a perfect ten.”

Bialik says in her vlog, that strip clubs and places where people are paid to have sex are not places people should go...she goes on to slam pornography, “ingesting pornography rarely elevates you as a human being, and likely contributes to the degradation and abuse of men and women.”

I'm not a sex worker. I've never been paid for any of the pictures or videos that we've put out there. But dammit. If people are having fun, and happy about what they do, why are we objecting to them providing it? I am a woman and it is my choice to participate in sex, in (amateur) porn, to decide if I want to go to a strip club, or be involved in a threesome. I have the right to choose those things.  I know I'm not really being coherent about this. I'm mad; I'm mad at the continual blaming and shaming that feminists like Bialik continue to put out there.

Ultimately; I am capable of making rational decisions. I am capable of choosing how to be happy. Everyone has that right. Not just people that are modest, not just people who don't want to sell something people are willing to buy. Hell, I don't love every picture that is up on FetLife – I might hate the angle of my nose or how floppy my belly skin looks – but damn, I am proud of the fun that Master and I have.

Blaming and shaming has to stop.

Has. To. Stop.

I was 17. Like Bialik, I also did not (still don't) consider myself a perfect ten. My nose is too big, my under-bite too deep, my muscles and belly too soft. I've never been part of the popular crowd. I've never been the cheerleader. I've never been good at flirting. I was wearing jeans and a loose sweater. There were no bra straps, no exposed belly. Pretty modest. I said no. I said no, over and over and over, until it was over.

I have never publicly exposed my rapist. I never wanted to, because I knew what most people would have said.

“You should have known better.”
“Boys will be boys.”
“Why were you there?”

The first person I ever confessed the event to was Master Reaper.

And up until this blog...only a handful of people knew.

O. Oh. O. No

For a really long time, Master has controlled my orgasms. We have been together, doing WIIWD for about 20 years, and the orgasm control became pretty standard by...the end of year one, maybe. The orgasms belonged to him. 

He's been very generous with them. I beg, he usually says yes. I am super orgasmic, too. The right touch and I can be there in a second.

Over our many years together, we've played with temporary denial. But once I am ramped up, my tolerance for pain is higher, my willingness is greater. 

And this week, I haven't been given permission. 

I am frothing for pain. For more sex (even if he keeps saying no). 

It is only Wednesday.

Master keeps checking with me to ask if I feel connected. 

And I do. I feel loved. I feel like his creature. 

He's said that once this week, he'll say yes. I don't know if that means one orgasm or more that one. I don't know if it/they won't be ruined orgasms. I don't know how long he'll keep me on this path of denial. 

I didn't think to ask. 

I am writhing with need.

Thank goodness for spell check because I can't even spell today.

henny's Recount of her February Visit...

I went to visit Master and Creature for a week in February, in an attempt to try out the cold weather where they live, and to try out being a part of the household. It was in the 70s all week, so that part didn’t work out, but I did get to have a visit that was less vacation-y and more day to day.

As soon as I got to Master’s house, he put my new collar on me. I love the collar! It connects me to Master all the time. I’m not taking it off unless I absolutely must. Master entrusted me with the key, so that I could go through airport security without it, but once I got through, it was on and has remained on since.

Master and Creature set me up in their room, so I could snuggle with Master at night along with Creature. Master chained my leg to the bed at night, which I liked very much.

I was given my rules for when I was at home: asking permission to use the bathroom, to eat and to sit on furniture. I had a little trouble getting used to the rules, and I made some comical moves as I realized I was about to sit on chairs or beds without permission. There were a few hot stove hops as well as a couple collapsing and sliding off of things moments. Master was strict but very patient with me as I learned my new habits.