Public Service Announcement

And now for a word on addictive habits: I do not have many vices. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do drugs and have no interest in doing so. I don't gamble. I don't participate in the destruction of public or private property, and I don't revel in antiestablishmentarianism. Even I have to ask, just what the hell do I do? Am I some kind of straight-laced, white bread, goody-two-shoes? A stick in the mud? Of course not. Despite the fact that my laces, when I have them, are indeed straight (a trait governed by my OCD thank you very much), and I do, in fact, prefer white bread over wheat. And yes, I do have two good shoes (why would I put up with anything less?). And I have, on occasion, been stuck in the mud. 

So where, exactly, do I allow my self to cut loose and exercise the darker aspects of my soul? I'm sure the answer is no surprise to you, dear reader. Sex. That glorious and varied playground of physical and psychological wonderment. The vice that exercises nearly every aspect of the entirety of a person, and provides a development unlike any vice mentioned above. And I am an addict, utterly obsessed.

Lust, that most potent of vices. Driving desire, heightening the senses, altering the perception of time and space. My drug of choice. The high that keeps on giving. I have spent hours chasing that dragon; lost in a multitude of my own scenes, downloading porn videos, reading erotica, sifting through picture after picture on Fet, blogs, tumbler, and favorite sites across the web. I live it every day, when the kids allow. I see it everywhere I go.

Honestly, spending time in public is painful. When I see a pretty little thing walk by and my mind wonders at her talents. I envision rope wrapped around her frame and chains hanging from cuffs around her wrists. Imagining her following at the tug of a leash behind me. I have to look away, only to see another and another and yet more. A sweet misery, and as is appropriate, I have to share with the slave. It's fun to see her reactions and know that she is just as afflicted as I. Together we have moaned our way through many a store, or park... or restaurant... or bank lobby... or... Come to think about it, just about everywhere. Oddly, not at the Department of Motor Vehicles though. But, I digress. 

One of the most difficult aspects of this addiction for me is work. I have a rule, I do not play at work. It causes too many potential issues, too much gossip, and a mess that is not worth it, no matter how delicious or obviously interested or likely a perspective play partner may be. Which is hard, of course, for two reasons. With our kiddos I don't get out much for socializing or play and as such work is really the only place I spend enough time with other people to get a feel for who they are. The other reason is that a friend of mine from the local scene also works in the same building and, knowing my interests, will introduce me to others in her department who share our predilections. Being polite to a fault (I don't even partake in rude behavior as a vice), I smile and talk a bit about their interests, all the while the rule screams in my mind like a siren. Who knows what fun I am denying myself, loosing out on that one vice that I crave, because of that rule? And yet, I still feel it is best to keep it intact... No matter how much it pains me.

Even now while writing this, I am perving pictures on my phone, like an IV drip sustaining me throughout the day. A necessity as without it I am likely to drag my slave up stairs by a handful of hair, bind her in metal cuffs, and relieve my desires with her again and again. A scenario that is well within my purview as her owner but not with regards to our children. And so I am relegated to sating my cravings in what small ways I can, usually multiple times a day... locked behind closed doors... alone. And it is never enough. As my girl tells me, even if we had a whole week without the kids, dedicated to these desires, it would not sate me. Maybe she's right, but how can I be sure until we try?

I have considered pursing a career in porn, but then I just laugh and laugh to my self. It is hard enough at the moment to get a couple of quick snapshots with my phone in the scattered and brief moments I do get to use my slave, never mind the planned and involved scenes I aspire to. Then there's having children. Take your kids to work day would be a nightmare and require years of counseling. Taking my work home with me would result in much the same. As it is, I cannot have friends over for a simple meet-and-bind because of them. Hell, our friends won't even come over for simple gatherings. The isolation of parenthood I suppose. 

All that, and I hardly have the abs of a porn star. Cock, yes. Abs, no. Also, you know what they say, when you take a passion and turn it into a career, it becomes a job and why would I ever want to tarnish such a perfect obsession? So yes, I have considered it. I put that in the same category at the moment as astronaut and pirate as likely career goals at this stage in my life. I do hold some small hope of becoming more of a figure in the kink world, a presenter or what have you. But porn star, not so much. 

So, for now I suppose that I will have to keep taking what opportunities I can and suffer through the withdraws. As our little one ages, I am sure that things will normalize. I was even all set to go down to Denver for last night's Sanctuary club get together, and had the slave not just had her molar removed (see my previous post) I probably would have. That is something I could not have considered just a few months ago and next month I am definitely going. So, there is hope on the horizon, even if only the faintest hint. 

This has been a Public Service Announcment...

slave Maintenance...

As with all possessions, sometimes a slave needs a bit of maintenance. For some time now we have been planning a trip to the dentist for the girl and now that our little one is weening off of breast feeding (yes, I'm finally getting my tits back), it was time to take her in. The slave was quite nervous, she hates the dental experience and I have to admit, this made me eager to see her squirm. 

Yesterday I took her in and we began the process. An imaging scan and initial exam let us know just how she has been doing. There was a trouble-some molar that needed to come out and some other work that needed to be seen to. All in all, not bad. They scheduled an extraction for her this morning. Oh you should have seen the anticipation roiling just under the flesh. How anxious she became as time drew nearer and nearer. Now I usually will drop her to her knees and shove her face to the floor is she gets uppity with me, but in moments like this when it is obviously the result of nervous fear, I tend to cut her more slack. Though, admittedly, I will subtly add to her concern by mentioning little things here and there. I enjoy the fear in her eyes, flickering like a wind blown candle. 

I had every desire to bind her, strap her down to the dentist's chair and watch her squirm and whimper as they went to work. Sadly, our dentist does not allow for that option. Besides, someone had to stay with the baby, after all. So, no comfort found in the helplessness of bonds. Also, given the very small chance that something went wrong, her collar needed to be removed before both trips, to be returned to her neck the moment we returned home. Not even the comfort of her collar to be had in the face of dental work. Poor slave. 

When the moment came, she was quite the trooper and followed her would-be tormentor willingly to the back room. I also had a tooth removed some short time ago and as such am intimately familiar with the process and the recovery. To my surprise, however, her extraction was not near as difficult as mine. The dentist did not need to drill into the side of the tooth to get a good grasp. No needles were broken in the effort to numb the tooth's nerve. Nor did the dentist need to all but place a knee upon her chest to yank the bastard tooth from it's bed. It also took a fraction of the overall time to remove her trouble-some molar. 

The slave returned from the back room with even a hint of a smile on her lips. Masochist. The localized anesthetic used creates such a false sense of pain management. It wears off slowly, letting the pain soak into the very bone. Not sharp pricks or pangs but a throbbing, dull ache that drills itself into your consciousness. You become fatigued as if sitting up straight is too much to manage and sitting still is near impossible. It hurts too much to get up and walk about, but your legs don't seem to get the hint as they work restlessly beneath you. The slave's smiles and energy began to drain from her as we risked a trip to the store after the procedure. The first droning of pain began to hit her as we wrapped up and headed out of the store. By the time we were home, it was really beginning to show. Still, ever my trooper and eager to serve, she spent the rest of the evening going back and forth between laying on the couch, with kind permission of yours truly, and managing the house and kids. 

Despite the weeks of healing to come, and the fact that those coveted stolen blow jobs between naps are not in our immediate future, the tooth's removal has already improved my slave's mouth and she feels a significant degree of relief. And I, though again sacrificing my beloved blow jobs to the pyre of maintenance, feel that same degree of satisfaction one would have after taking a car in to have the brakes replaced or the oil changed. Relief and satisfaction. My property properly maintained...

Turn, turn, turn...

Somewhere between now and New Year's Day, i became another year older. Master and i had hoped that we'd find a little time and we'd be able to sneak in a birthday spanking, but alas, it has been postponed.
All of us turned up sick.
But we nibbled on cinnamon rolls, drank green tea, consumed cough drops, caved and used over-the-counter medicines to make the coughing and the aching stop, slurped home-made chicken noodle soup (with spinach!) while whittling away time by playing video games together. Switching between a multi-player we swore we'd never buy (Minecraft for the Xbox 360) and trading the controller as we played/cheated through some of Grand Theft Auto IV (stealing virtual cars amuses me).
It wasn't the birthday i'd dreamed of, nor the birthday Master hoped i'd have...
But i loved it...because i was with him, and we laughed together.
The real present (that delayed spanking), well...it'll come.

Whinge and Wishes

Reaper posted our apologies earlier...and i want to apologize again. It has been pretty desperate around here. Some moments we feel alright, and others we want to rip out our hair from all of the joy and tribulation. This year has been exacerbated by my health issues of a girly sort.

For years and years we've known that medical professionals would consider my reproductive bits "abnormal" (at least the inside ones -- the outside bits get frequent compliments). Shortly after Reaper and i celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary, we spent a whole day bouncing from urgent care to urgent care, waiting for urgent care, and finally being directed to the ER.  The last urgent care office was concerned by my tachycardia, but the ER was much less concerned, and after adding the typical saline drip, considered their job largely done. Well, no. They did officially declare my internal bits "abnormal" and were kind enough to prescribe a hormone to stop the too heavy period...at least until the next time, so we could find out exactly how "abnormal" it really is. Three months of a different kind of abnormal later, here we are at the abnormal that landed us in the ER last time; a uterus that seems determined to drain all of the blood from my entire system. And our choices are to attempt to treat it with herbal options, or waste an entire day again, attempting to just get a temporary fix via the prescription they're so quick to offer (slowly).

i'm tired...and dealing with this on top of the lack of time i've been able to be under Reaper's hands and have any kind of play...the apathy grows. i'm sick of dealing with abnormality...especially considering there is absolutely no reason that the bleeding should be this heavy. And this is mostly griping, and i'm sorry for that, but i feel betrayed by my body, which has no excuse not to work right, but refuses to follow the rules, leaving me with no appetite, and an overwhelming desire to have a good cry. Just in time for Christmas. Whee!

Actually, i do believe it will be a good Christmas...i'll just be tired and noming on iron-rich foods the entire time. i hope that the joy of the holidays (whatever holiday is your preference)  is wonderful, spirit-lifting and enjoyable for all of you. We have high hopes for 2014 and wish our kinky friends, near and far, an absolutely wonderful start to a year of fantastic things.

Apolgies and Disgust

I have to start by apologizing to everyone that follows us. We have not forgotten nor abandoned any of you lovely readers intentionally. As we have mentioned a number of times having children has pretty much killed our kink at the moment. Without exaggeration, if we were to combine the number of times we have had anything remotely sexual (actual sex, blow jobs, heavy petting) with the number of times we have had any level of play (including being bound for more than 5 minutes at a time, trying on metal cuffs and the like) we would have a count of a whopping 12 incidents in 2013. 

Now that is pathetic on any scale. And to save you lovely readers from the constant and overwhelmingly irate tirades that you all must know that both of us have thrown, we have opted not to write anything. It has become unspeakably painful to watch other members of the community share their experiences on Twitter, Fetlife, etc. Not that we begrudge anyone in the least for celebrating their moments, but it is so hard to watch or to want to comment or discuss aspects of the kink, O/p, M/s, lifestyles, without having any time for our own. We have, on many occasions, referenced Oscar Wilde's famous quote about how the heart will grow sick with longing. Well, our hearts are most definitely sick with what has become more mourning than longing.

But again, we have opted to spare you all from that. Whether right or wrong, as again we want this blog to remain honest about all aspects of our lives and not become just a promotion of one aspect over another, silence was my choice. This is my apology part of this blog post and I hope that you all can accept that choice for silence and forgive us for it.


Given the title, we now move into the disgust part of the blog. Though things for us have not changed and we do not have much to say about our lives at the moment, I do have to take a moment to express my horror at what is happening in other parts of the world currently. The situation in Russia for example. I know that in this country we have a fairly large anti-gay sentiment that raises its head profoundly when the topic of marriage equality comes up. In this country we also, largely, respect each other's opinions and as such I am not going to comment nor invite comment about the opinions of either side. I will, however, simply state this: Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Opinion should not ever decide what someone else can or cannot do. If something someone else does offends you, then don't do it yourself. 

I was listening to National Public Radio the other morning and I heard that the situation in Russia has progressed to the point where people are being incarcerated for peaceful protests, assaults continue to go unpunished, and laws are being considered that would allow officials to take children adopted by same sex families and jail the parents. This is sickening. History is replete with examples of legalized and officially sanctioned hatred, but to see it in one of the larger, industrialized, law-centric nations in the modern world is just... wrong. Or course, Russia has a history of these kinds of crimes against its own people under harsher regimes such as Stalin and not that it is ever right for persecution to exist, but this really stands out to me. To have a national governmental body openly incite violence against a non violent portion of its population screams madness. 

I know that this sort of thing, and far worse things, are happening world wide and I do not want to downplay the importance or impact of those happenings. However, this is a nation among the leading nations of the political world. And unlike aspects of Stalin' violations of human rights, theses are being played out in full view of the media and announced with near pride to the world. 

On a more personal perspective note: I will almost always side on the part of any law that protects the options of individuals to do what they wish. Everyone should have the right to do what they want, say what they want, live how they want. They should have the right to have their own opinions and views. They should also be acutely aware that those views and opinions will only ever govern themselves alone. 

As an example: I hate chewing gum with a seething, burning passion. I have everything to do with it. The sounds, the sight of it billowing from someone's mouth, the mess when people inevitably don't know what to do with it when they are done. Everything! I feel that it should be banned from sale and manufacture. Now, should that opinion then be allowed to govern all peoples? Do I have the right to prevent anyone who enjoys gum from partaking in its use solely because its existence offends me? Of course not, don't be ridiculous. If you don't like it, don't do it. If you don't want to see it, look away. If you can't stand the sound of it, ignore it. Now if the answer here seems simple and apparent for the hatred of something trivial, why then is the answer to a much larger and more important issue, like the hatred of equality for everyone, somehow illusive? 

 If I were to go to a court of law, any court from local to the Supreme court, and ask that gum be banned based solely upon the argument above, it would be laughed out immediately. "If you don't like people who use gum, son, well then that's just your problem."But, somehow, if we protest the rights of people to be with whoever they chose, then that is a serious case all of a sudden? No. Just no. 

I appreciate that I have the chance to share my own opinions regarding the situation in Russia and the world at large, and yes, I recognize that expressing this opinion will in no way change the actions or feelings of the people it is directed against. And thank you, dear reader, for sticking with us this past year of mostly silence. May the new year bring us all more opportunities to experience and share those experiences. 

Best regards and a Happy Holiday wishes to all...

Let's go...

We have not been so good at blogging lately. :(

Largely because, sure, it's real life and that's the way it goes, but as Master put it, neither of us want to sound like we are whining because we're not getting time to get down and kinky together...

We steal little moments, and as time goes on, we'll be able to steal more little moments, and they'll get bigger. But right now? We slip into each others arms for a hug, and whisper "I miss you" into each other's ears because even though we're together, our "Monsters" (as i fondly call our kinky natures) have had no significant time to come out to play.

But we look at our lives, and the reasons, and we cannot help but smile and regard those reasons with the awesomeness that they are...

Despite all that, despite the missing the whips and chains and hard sex...

Reaper and i are facing down the years...we just recently celebrated one of our anniversaries, and are toasting to many, many more...

 i am so lucky to love and be loved, by Reaper.

Allons-y, Master, my Love, our future awaits!

Metal babble

Time just speeds on by doesn't it? Who would have believed how drastically life could change in one year? Ha. Or how much i've changed over the years?

A long time ago, Master talked about metal collars as an all the time thing, and i freaked out. Especially at the turian style ones. A ring of metal? Inconceivable. Seemed...too obvious...at least to me.

But almost four years ago, Master and i came to a...workable...solution to his love of metal. A dog chain, which i've blogged about before, with no clasp, no discernible opening. It had only been off once in those four years, for two months split between 2012 and 2013... It was off again over the weekend, though. Not that my neck was bare, mind you, but something else had been put there...a rolled steel collar.

That was an adjustment for me; i'm very used to the looseness and mobility of the chain, but the steel collar Master had picked was a (very) close fit so as not to be banging on my collar bone. Master could slip his fingers through and grip it easily, but it felt like it was a constant and continual pressure on each side of my neck...maybe that was more claustrophobia than anything.

On the whole, Master was very pleased with it and kept commenting on how nice it looked. It isn't from either of the popular steel collar sites, but was picked up from another site as it was seriously discounted (half price, muhahaha), which meant that Master also picked up some steel wrist cuffs and a square-ish steel collar as well... He's not as pleased with those because the magnetic pin "lock" can be pried out with a fingernail. Also, he had some choice expletives about the cuffs, as they are too big for my weirdly shaped wrists as i can just slide them right off and they are much too small for my ankles.

The turian, though, is above my expectations. It is pretty. And the seams of it are nice and tight. i'm just not sure i'm ready for that to be the metal that's always around my neck.

(Also, i have an ellipsis addiction.)