Growing

A while ago, i posted a blog encouraging folks to ask us questions, and we did have Florida Dom who came by and left us a slew of questions that need answering, so i thought i'd get a start on answering a few of the questions we were left.

-- Are you planning on taking things to a new level each time she gets accustomed to one level?

Master and i strive for growth. It is our intention to never allow for complacency in our relationship. In our eight years of marriage, protocols have been increased, scenes have intensified, and rules have changed. It seems that as soon as i am able to wrap my head around a change, be it verbal requirement or no longer being allowed to use furniture without permission, there is something new added to our interactions.

When we used to visit family, that was the one time it seemed i could get away with...well...being a bit of a brat (though i might pay for it later, depending upon his mood). Now when we visit family, rules still apply, i have to ask Him for permission for a drink, the ability to use the bathroom, and the like, though it probably hasn't been noticed.

--How tall are each of you and what do you weigh and what are her measurements?

i'll let Master answer His part in His way... i am 5'5, weigh more than i'd like at 175, my bra size is 36D, my waist is 35 inches 'round and my hips are 40 inches.

--Why don't you post pictures on your site as well as Fetlife?

Master and i have talked about this ─ and while we may post pictures here in the future ─ for now, we enjoy the fact that FetLife's pages aren't crawled by search engines, like our blog is.

--Do you do tit bondage until they turn purple?

Not recently. (pout)

--Does she have any piercings? If not do you plan some?

Right now, no. i've even let my plain old ear peircings close. However, Master has said that He has interest in some peircings, so we'll see where that goes.

Abiding realities

There's been BDSM bloggers (peruse our blogroll for "Under His Hand" and "The Journey") lately pondering whether or not the Master/slave relationships are merely an illusion. So many of us view our status as the slave or the Master as a permanent and unbreakable aspect of our relationships. So we strive to build lasting M/s relationships. But sometimes, even those lasting relationships face the loss of the M/s dynamic.

Sure, there are slaves being uncollared all the time, Masters walking away from their slaves, slaves walking away from their Masters, out to find someone more compatable. Rarely we see or hear about the M/s relationships that have become something more complex, where niether party wants to walk away from the other, but something keeps them from continuing in a M/s relationship.

And that leaves two people, whispering in the dark, trying to work out how to relate to each other.

my heart goes out to those who experience this... It terrifies me, too, as several times, Master and i have been trecherously close to throwing out the M/s aspects of our relationship permanently. Yet, what we have together is a long established friendship and abiding love. Neither of us can entertain the thought of parting ways, and yet, we know learning to relate to each other in a vanilla envrionment could very well be the scariest thing that we have faced in our lives. In thinking about this subject, my favorite Oscar Wilde quote comes to mind: "The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself."

All this talk comes down to the fact that each and every one of us, regardless of the length of time we have been involved in a Master and slave (or take your pick of terms) relationship, will always be individuals, doing our best to live together in harmony and sometimes, that just isn't possible. "Real life" and, by that, i mean outside forces, will muck up our best laid plans, and force us to places we never thought we'd go. Sometimes, a step back is something we have to do.

Once, four years into being my Master's girl and three years into being His wife, i essentially ran away from Him. i left our home, i left the city we lived in and the reach of His collar. At that point, i had never truly tasted independance. i had never lived on my own, outside of a home with family or with my Master. Six months later, He left the same to be where i was, because i'd learned something. i loved Him more than independance, i loved being with Him, being part of Him and my soul grew sick with longing without Him and without belonging to Him. That "step back" made me realize that the things i thought were important weren't, and what really mattered...

This post has been a bit of a ramble, but my point is, Master and slave relationships are kinky fun but once you throw deep, soul-connected, time-tested love into the mix it becomes a different creature entirely. Not only has the kink enticed us but the love has suffused every aspect of our roles bringing us to a point where they can't be used as a weapon for manipulation nor something that we throw away without a thought for the rest of our lives. The "playtime" M/s is over once love weaves its way throughout the dynamic and whether we mean it to or not, i think a part of us will always identify as the role we assumed inside that M/s relationship.

One final thought: may those special relationships infused with love, when "real life" requires them to step away from the M/s dynamic, abide with love.

Deep Considerations...

A while ago I came across a profile on Fetlife that really got my attention. As with most things that catch my attention, it got me to thinking. This woman was happily married to a man whom just recently, thanks to her, discovered his dominant side. In addition to her husband, she also had a Master, someone whom she trusted and submitted to completely.


This really struck me as singular. Sure, I have encountered happily married men who might have a male Master on the side, or a woman with many lovers and maybe more than one Dom/Domme. But to find a woman with both a Dominant husband and a Master! She clarified in her profile that her husband was not her Dom, that he was just her husband and that she had submitted completely to her actual Master.

How interesting, and it got me thinking with regard to my slave. I am such a dominant personality, in nearly everything I do and in the way I approach work, projects, my art, my marriage, etc. My slave has belonged to me for about ten years now and in a few months W/we will be celebrating our eighth year of marriage. This means that she has been my slave longer than she has my wife. So, is it possible that I have never really lived a married life? Has it always been a marriage in name only? Has our relationship been so focused upon my ownership of my slave wife that she has always been more of my slave than my wife?


Don't get me wrong, I see nothing bad or unacceptable or troublesome with that. Nor do I want to seem disparaging toward that lady and her different husband and Master. In truth I find that quite erotic and exciting. But if faced with the same situation, my wife enslaved by another man while I my self am a Dom. I don't know about that one. Perhaps some of you can see my dilemma here. Could you, as a dominant, comfortably and happily be married to a submissive who is enslaved to someone else but not you? Truly it makes my head spin and it makes me wonder if I have ever really allowed myself to consider my slave as anything other than my slave.


What are your thoughts about a relationship such as this? Could you do it, either as the Dom or the slave?

Choice less...

The focus for my slave's training as of late has been on the choice less nature of being a slave. How the lack of any personal will is less accurate in relation to a consensual slave than the knowledge that she does not get a choice in the actions that are dictated to her. Very few of us are looking for a doormat. Strong willed, opinionated subjects make for far more interesting slaves. The difference is in accepting that, thought willful and opinionated, they have absolutely no choice in their obedience and submission to their Masters. A perfect example of this and a training tool that I used just this evening follows:


My slave approached me and requested my permission to use the restroom to pee. With a rather evil smile on my face, I told her that she could indeed pee, but she would need to get a cup from the kitchen. She retrieved the last of the plastic cups we use for company and returned to the front room where I was waiting for her. I could tell that she had a pretty good idea what I wanted from her and also that I knew just how much she had a problem with it. My pet asked if she could use the bathtub, but I instead told her to squat down on the tile floor that serves as our tiny little foyer.


Blushing, but trying very hard to be obedient, she pulled down her pants, squatted right in front of our front door, and pissed in the cup. I could see her struggling with the embarrassment and humiliation that I was subjecting her to, particularly when a small stream began to run down her leg to her pants. When she was finished, the real anger began to show. My slave quickly expressed how upset it made her to pee on herself like that, ruining one of the last clean pairs of pants, and how she had told me that it was not going work well to begin with.


Now, at this point I knelt her down at my feet and explained to her that she didn't have a choice in the matter. Whether or not she enjoyed or particularly liked the task I had assigned to her, she had no choice but to do it. Further, that the only thing at all she had any control over was how she went about doing it. It was up to her whether or not she was going to complete whatever task with the humility, poise, and composure that I expect from my slave, or whether she was going to pitch a fit and make things much worse for herself. I went on to explain that the small humiliation she had just suffered was nothing at all and that it could always be worse. I asked her whether or not I had made her smell it, to which she snapped yes! I asked her again, did I make her place the cup under her nose and take a deep breath? No, she said, her head down.


I then made her go retrieve the cup full of her acrid piss. When she returned to her knees at my feet I told her to put the cup under her nose and breath it in. With tears in her eyes, she obeyed. The cup slowly found its place just under her nose and she took a long slow breath. I reminded her again that she had no choice in the matter and that if I wanted her to drink it, she would one way or another. Poise, composure, grace, humility, gratitude; these are the things I expect from my slave. I then ordered her to taste her piss.


Despite the anger and fear in her eyes hiding behind the falling tears, my little slave did as she was told. Slowly the cup reached her lips and without much hesitation she took a sip. Impressively, my little slut held her piss in her mouth for over ten seconds before finally spitting it back into the cup, gagging. More tears escaped her angry eyes as I smiled into her glare. I corrected her posture so that her head was not tilted downward in such a scowl and asked her what she had learned. "slave has no choice, Master," she said. Good, she is finally learning. I told her that it could still be worse and I could very easily watch her drink the whole cup down. I ordered her to compose herself and be grateful for the attention and that I hadn't yet ordered her to drink the rest. Slowly it sunk in and my slave did regain her composure.


I pulled her close and stroked her hair, telling her that she had no right to make judgments about things. I was not interested in her disgust, only her obedience. I added that if I were willing to do something, like taste her piss, then she most certainly could not refrain. I explained that there are even some hardcore health nuts that actually drink their own piss as part of an extreme health regiment, that they recommend it. Finally, much to her relief, I ordered her to dump and toss the cup, wash her mouth out, and return to me so that we could eat our dinner.


Following the meal and a little play in the front room, we retreated into the bedroom. Having been naughty and used a word forbidden to her a number of times in the previous days, I had her lie across the bed in anticipation of a paddling. Already forgetting that things could always be worse, I asked if she was ready and she snapped that she wasn't. Here I am, about to beat her ass for one misbehavior anyway, and she's getting mouthy. I asked her why she wasn't ready and she told me that she figured that I was about to use the nastiest of the paddles we have. A real heavy duty little number with a metal inlay, about two inches wide, and made from rubber. A truly masochistic friend of my slave who had previously bragged that she had taken a hog bat across the ass a couple of times and didn't even flinch, once begged me to stop beating her ass after just three hits from this little baddie. It leaves impressive marks, guaranteed.


At any rate, holding the "nice" paddle in hand, I informed her that I was now going to use the evil paddle since she had bitched about it. My slave squealed and begged for me not to use that one and I reminded her again that she should be grateful and not bitch about things as they could most definitely get worse for her. Settling, she apologized for her remarks and begged to be punished. I informed her that I would be doubling the punishment and ordered her to count. After ten swats, I told her the punishment for the word use was over. Now I was about to begin the punishment for her behavior. The next ten strokes I put more power into, making her jump and squirm and cry with each hit. When she complained I was making it harder on the second set I reminded her that this was the "nice" paddle, as she called it, and that I could still get the other one. My pet chose to finish out the remainder of the punishment with the nice paddle. When finished, I asked her if she had learned her lesson and what it meant. My slave said that she understood that she was to display poise, grace, and composure, she was suppose to be grateful, and most importantly that she didn't have any choice in the matter. I instructed her to kiss the "nice" paddle in gratitude and she obeyed quickly and eagerly.


Such a good girl I have, and such poignant lessons. Gratitude, humility, poise, composure; even in the face of things she does not like, even those its fair to say she hates. She has no choice, at all, ever. She can only effect how she submits and obeys and she should always remember, it could be so, so much worse...

Forwards or backward?

We have been very quiet here. Not that things have been especially quiet with us, but none of it has made it to even the multitudes of drafts piling in our dashboard. Not to say that we've been having a BDSM free-for-all either, but, there have been some very intense scenes we have shared...

Why have i not written sooner? Because there is a lot of turmoil in me right now, and it has made me hold every moment we have stolen together, every scene we've shared, every "i love you, girl" that has fallen from His lips, very close to my heart. i have pulled myself behind a wall, and have been treasuring those moments, privately, unwilling to share.

In sharing, i have to reveal my turmoil, my struggle, and i am not sure i am ready for that. In fact, i am saving this as a draft, for my Master to review and publish at His discretion.

i fight Him, at every turn, at every movement forward on our path, and He often asks me "Do you really want to be My slave? Is this really what you want?" He has voiced the paradoxical question frequently, at every outburst, at every struggle that i present to Him, offering the one without choice a choice...

i do, despite my strong will, independent nature and other random issues, desire to belong completely to my Master. Yet, after coming so far, and evolving as much as we have ─ even entering a period where roles and orders weren't often challenged by poor behavior on my part ─ looking at where i am and my inner turmoil, i am disgusted.

Strangely, i know i am far better off than i was at the beginning of our forays into our Master and slave relationship. i know i have made progress, but i cannot help but be annoyed, disheartened, sorrowful, flat-out pissed, morose, enraged and disgusted by my behavior which brings Master to ask me that question.

For Master, there is no in between. He sees Himself always as a Master, one with a strikingly dominant personality. i too, see this in Him ─ He is dominant, desiring control and, from time to time, quite domineering. For me, there is no in between either. i have shed the skin of myself that can live without a Master and slave dynamic, i cannot imagine stripping our lives of BDSM, and the idea of such a life horrifies me...

Yet this turmoil prevents me from relaxing my grip on my perceived reality, keeps me trying desperately to hold on to what i cannot grasp and hinders forward progress on the path that Master has set before me...

i suppose, in time, in talking with Master, i will find my way around it, but the answer to the paradoxical question remains the same: i want nothing more than to be my Master's willing slave...

i know you're out there...

Somewhere. (Anybody recognize that?)

i know we have some semi-regular visitors nowadays. i also know that people are curious creatures.

So. Because my Master would like to know that you're out there, and because i know you're out there, i'm going to say... Ask questions. What have we not blogged about that you must know? Nothing is too inane, silly, random...

We'll answer them. Promise. Questions can be directed at one or both of us, and we'll copy 'em into a post, and start answering.

Who's first?

Assignments: Submission

Recently, with all of the upheval in our lives outside of Master's home, He has been trying to give me something each week to occupy my mind, to ground me and force me to really examine aspects of myself. In short, Master has been giving me more frequent writing assignments, which i am grateful for.

He's also been discussing giving me artistic assignments as well, though that is another subject for another time, perhaps.

The most recent assignment was an essay on submission, what it means to me, what i think about it, why i do it, what makes that submission stronger...stuff like that. He also told me to post it here, though, i honestly forgot to do so after i handed it to Master. It was an eye opening assignment for me, and i am beginning to see my motives in a clearer light. Without further delay, here is the essay, which i titled, for Master, "Submission: a life of subjection".

Slavery is definable as “submission to a dominating influence” and as i am a slave, submission is an important aspect of my condition. But what is my submission to my Master? Is it driven by external sources, or something found in my heart? Do the rituals we have enforce submission, or do we need to seek others to ground me in my place? Which work most effectively and what makes them so effective? What actions drive me to submit?

In reviewing online materials regarding domination and submission, an interesting thought presented itself: submission is about compliance. Compliance has to come from within. We are raised to think about what we want, what we are capable of doing and our own desires, but to begin to submit, compliance takes us away from those learned behaviors of deciding for our own. In finding this, i see that though my desire to serve, to submit, comes from an outside source, but my internal compliance is lacking. When i say that my desire to submit comes from an outside source, i recognize that it is not my nature to comply with someone else's whims, despite my desire to please. i am fierce and strong-willed, but i see rewarding joy upon my Master's face when i do submit and comply with His desires.

Moving forward, rituals that bring forward the submission ─ the compliance ─ that we have incorporated into our relationship become especially important for those like myself, who struggle with graceful submission. Rituals that we have included are the moments when i kneel to accept Master's collar, never turning my back upon my Master, and returning to His side on my hands and knees. As far as rituals that we do not currently employ that would enforce that desire to comply, to fully allow myself to return Master's gifts to His property with obvious devotion and servitude in return from His slave...words seem lacking, phrases to repeat loose their meanings in my own ears when spilled from my tongue and physical punishments lack positive connections, which are important to keeping the relationship healthy and happy.

Are the rituals we use enough? In some ways, they are. In others ─ moments when i become ungrounded, moments when i feel unimportant and rejected ─ i struggle to continue to submit with grace, even with the presence of those rituals. Would adding other rituals enforce the feeling of submission? i can't say that they would or they wouldn't. i can't say that i'm going to fall gracefully into compliance until i come to see myself in a better light, until i accept that the changes in our lives do not change who i am or who Master is ─ at least, i'm not sure the compliance will come without help in all situations. The current rituals do keep me slightly more mindful of my place, but as far as driving compliance into my slave heart, i feel that ritual ─ on the whole ─ may be lacking.

Beyond rituals, there is one other thing that i am aware of that moves me to submission. Compliance comes from me most easily after a period of discomfort. Feeling Master physically overpower me, being tortured under His hands, being brought to tears (though not necessarily with impact play), those things drive compliance into my heart like nothing else. Look at how frequently interrogation play sessions are turned to Master's advantage: in less than minutes, and Master has what He wants. And in games of “chase” once Master has caught His prey, is she not pliable, compliant and adoring?

As a brief, and related, aside to the above, the control of a 24/7 Master/slave relationship is important to me, as the structure creates an environment in which i can thrive. However, the aspect of the relationship that i find the most rewarding is the physical display of power, the physical power exchange. Compliance, from my heart, is a side effect of the physical actions within the relationship, and one that is greatly desired by my Master. Because it is so desired by Master, graceful and joyful compliance is also something that i wish to see in myself, more often.

In working on this assignment, i have realized that while i am beginning to recognize that i have no ability to choose anything but obedience, i often return to selfish thoughts regarding my own “needs”. In those moments, i become passive aggressive and willful, completely destroying my ability to submit and comply without negativity. In recognizing the failures of my own behavior ─ the resort to passive aggressive behavior in particular ─ i hope that i can rise above my selfishness and learn to comply and submit with grace more and more as we continue to work on building up our 24/7 M/s relationship, regardless of ritual or enforcement present (or absent) in our day-to-day lives.