Unexpected Weapons

Before the big move, Master and i found ourselves with an opportunity shortly after He arrived home for the evening (at a slightly ridiculous hour). Having had most of our toys packed away, i did hope that we could just slide into easy sex where His hands demonstrated the power exchange that always exists between us.

It can be chalked up to stress and anxiety levels, i suppose, that my body didn't respond how i thought it should. i asked to snuggle with Him, to be touched and possessed, and somehow or another, that quietness degraded rather quickly.

See, last summer, we bought tons of those freezer pops for our tiddly. But one bag never got put in the freezer and as we were packing recently, little person found them, ripped open the bag and had been waving them about. Being consumed with the need to pick up everything else, those unfrozen freezer pops remained where they had been left.

So, as i was laying over the edge of the bed, looking at the floor, while Master was doing cruel things to my shoulder because i had been picking on Him in one way or another, and i had the brilliant idea to whack Master with a goofy plastic tube of liquid. Being Master, He cannot be outdone. So He stole it, and we proceeded to have a war with the unfrozen freezer pops. i whacked at Master wherever i could reach, Master whaled on my ass...and it was good.

Then one broke, flinging sticky orange, corn-syrup saturated liquid around the room.

But it was fun.

And the sex was good.

All because of freezer pops.

Upheaval

As i mentioned in my last blog, we're moving. Big stress. Big crazy.

This also means we're leaving our DSL behind and are planning to get ourselves settled, back into routine, back to being Master and slave without having niggling anxieties eating away at the slave part.

We will be able to occasionally visit the web and hopefully update everyone on what's going on with us, the progress that we make returning to a more centered M/s lifestyle...but i can't predict how often, as it won't be our intarwebs.

We may choose to get our new intarwebs service hooked up sooner than i think.

But, in the meantime i do have a few blogs that are supposed to pop up occasionally throughout the month.

Meantime, have fun, play nice, and know we'll be back with some interesting new materials.

P.S. When i say "play nice" i mean, rock your socks off and do all the horribly wonderful kinky/sadistic/masochistic things you're inclined to do whenever you have a moment.

Stress

May has been complicated. Expecting things to ease up at the end of the semester was a bit of a mistake. It obviously didn't, and both Master and i have been on edge because we're moving. Not really where we want to, but it's a step up from where we are, despite the location.

my anxiety levels have been out of control. i continue to feel anxious, on edge and frustrated. And the heat doesn't help either. See, Master and i have gotten spoiled by having a wonderful air conditioner...and despite our move being a step up, the little place doesn't have an air conditioner. So, despite the heat, we've resisted the urge to flip the switch and learn to deal with the heat while we pack our items for the big move.

Having most of our goods packed already has been difficult. When opportunities arise, knowing that most of our toys have already been packed is like a blow to the gut. Takes the wind out of (at least, in my case) the sails. Lusting for things that are packed tidily away. Phooey.

Soon, soon.

Complicated/Coexisting

So. School is over. But, somehow or another things aren't as calm and centered as i hoped. i haven't spent a day caged or chained, at His mercy while He takes care of the "real world" confining me to being His object, something unimportant in His life.

And while i'm grateful for His understanding, His patience and acceptance of my wants and needs, i am also hoping that the day that He yanks me out of reality will happen soon.

An interesting thing has come about in my slavery. i think i'm a better functioning person, i have more self-value. i'm a better partner. i'm a better parent. But i'm also none of those things - i am not a person, i am property, an object. In ten years, the conflict that i perceived has come to coexist. That's not exactly right -- there isn't a conflict, i just thought there would be.

Sure, sometimes i don't feel balanced. Master is perceptive of that, and while not generally happy that i can't always quash those feelings and just be the object He owns, He gives me the time i need. But those fragments of me, they aren't fragments anymore, they are components of the whole, components of my identity, and i need all of them to be satisfied with all of it.

i am a better person than i was when Master took me as His. But i know He didn't make me better for my sake, it wasn't out of some noble purpose. Master made me better because it's what He wants from me. Ideally, i'd spend far more time at His mercy and hurting then we are capable of forcing into the few hours we have, but He wanted me to have greater self-value and yet no self-value.

So, soon, i hope, we can find a bit of time for me to sink all the way to the worthless part of me, the part that delights in the isolation, pain, the object, the thoughtless property...

i'm ready for it.....

Something clever...

There's never enough time. Lately, it's been interesting around here. Master's been very cool, laid back and patient with me as my semester winds down to an end. i get wound up about what i'm not doing, and He just looks at me with those piercing eyes of His and says "If I'm not giving you a hard time about it, you don't need to be on your own case about it."

This morning actually worked out quite lovely. Master grabbed the clover clamps, purple duct tape, the replacement evil white spoon, some rope and GiGi (the very first Lelo purchase ever, btw, and it kicks ass) and we sought a bit of privacy.

The mingling of sadist and masochist, the delight of the intimacy of being laid bare beneath the power of my Master... Moments all too long in coming. The relief of pain and its focusing power have grounded me again. The delight of multiple orgasms intertwined, the satisfaction of feeling His pleasure upon my skin... All of it made me feel secure despite the many things that need doing before the end of this spring semester...

And then...months of being purely property. i cannot wait.

So rare...

Warning (or Tease): this post contains breath play.

The hardest thing about life is it never leaves you alone. You can be sitting there, minding your own business and then its there, poking you in the head, pulling on your shirt, screaming for your attention... (Though i have personified life as a child, i am not actually referring to the child in particular.) And when it goes quiet, you have the decision of what to do, go and poke it for a change or let it lie and steal the moment for your own...

Master and i often struggle with that decision. But thankfully, yesterday we did take the opportunity to let everything outside our door stay outside our door for a little interlude.

Did you know they make hot pink duct tape now? It's awesome (but not as awesome as the purple or the tie-dye version).

So, as i lay there, bound down with my arms out to the sides, Master brought the hot pink duct tape out and quite securely, taped my mouth shut. It is a lovely feeling, for me, to be helpless and voiceless. It also has various levels of frustrations, depending on how many questions Master feels like asking while i can't pry my mouth open. But in this case, it was primarily lovely. i have missed duct tape. We haven't played much with it lately...

(One quick aside: once upon a time, Master wrapped me in a corset made of duct tape. That was fun. And more than five years ago. Sadness for me.)

What really made that session, though, was probably the breath play. Like i've said before, some aspects of breath play make me twitchy and nervous. Has anyone out there ever had duct tape over their nose?

i have now. It was horrifyingly amazing. The fight of it, unable to really do anything about it, and hear Master tell me it was fine, that He was there, that it would only go as far as He wanted it to go. It was . . . wow. There was panic, there was the fight of my body doing what its' supposed to be doing (trying to get fresh air), and yet there was trust riding over all of those things. The more the panic rose, the more the trust did, too. i was frantic, but, almost not.

And then the duct tape was ripped off (and it felt like part of my face, too) and the air rushed in. The panic receded, but the trust didn't. i was calm, cool and blissed out...

Today, i have a little bit of my cheek flesh that's tender and i keep touching it, pushing on it, just a little bit, making it sting for just a second, while i smile.

Balance

There's been a feeling of being out of sorts building up in me for a while now. An uncomfortable feeling with the word "slave" but not with my life or how Master treats me. Because i am loathe to talk about something when i don't understand the whys of it, i haven't said anything to Master before today.

Of course, it did upset Him a bit. We talked about it, He prodded and poked, trying to figure out why. But i still don't know.

That's okay. Because after we had mulled it over, spent some time laying close together, all snuggly and comfortable, Master made one of His extraordinarily quick movements and had me pinned down to the floor by my neck. He asked me if i had a problem with how He treats me, with being property. i gave Him an honest answer: i need it, i want it, i am His property.

So He called me "slave" over and over again, and put pressure on my throat, His big, strong hand clamping down while i tried to squirm away. He didn't let me go, and told me to say it. i fought, still not knowing why i am having such a catch with the word. He squeezed while i wouldn't say it and everything but His piercing eyes became fuzzy, my head felt like it was ten times too big, swollen and tight...

He talked to me, quietly, reminding me that if i had no problems with the way i am treated, with being property, than "slave" isn't any different. And even while i squirmed, trying to get a full breath of air, He spoke, so calmly, so logically.

i said it. And while there's still some undetermined feelings about it, i know i am. i know i enjoy it, need it, crave it. It is what i am.

But i needed His calm, cool, collected force and show of strength to help me find a place to accept myself as His slave. His cruelty balanced so delicately with kindness, His strength and gentleness, His passion countered by logic -- those things are my safe-haven.