Angst

The other day, Master-Reaper was obviously feeling down. It always bothers me when He's not happy, even though time and time again He's reminded me that "make Him happy" is not in the tenants He gave me. So i'm doing my best to do what i am supposed to be doing, but i asked what had Him down. Our discussion led Him to say essentially, that He feels i don't need, desire or crave the kink as much as He does, that He feels He is just dragging me along and the only reason i do it is because He wants it.

Ouch.

And so depressing.

All my life, i've had these kinky day dreams, as a teen i wrote a lot of twisted erotica where my main (usually female) character was the property of someone else...

Right now, our opportunities to live out those little (and not so little) fantasies are limited. Our oldest kiddo is an insomniac, manifesting much like my own, an inability to go to sleep and an inability to stay asleep, and our youngest kiddo, well obviously she's just little and still needs me more than she needs anything else. *sigh* We love our children and the little miracles they are. But they do impact our kinky practices and sex life (duh).

So in the interim, i'm struggling to charge forward and serve the best i can, in the ways that i can. Ultimately, the question stands; is that enough?

Is it?

The answer is, pardon my french, fuck no, it isn't enough.

Sooner or later, if we can't meet our kinky needs in a significant way, we're going to blow up at each other. It's the way of it. We've done it before. We aren't perfect rainbows and sunshine, we're human and we're not getting a serious need met. Domestic service just does not fulfill the sadist nor the masochist. Domestic service alone does not enforce our Owner/property dynamic. Or even Owner/pet. With the kink, the pain, the reality of our dynamic missing, i feel like i am drowning and so frustrated with the domesticity...

So why does Master-Reaper think i don't want it? Because while i've recovered (largely) from the c-section, i'm still healing. Because i recently injured my back (figures, those muscles were over-strained when they were over-compensating for my belly being split open) and He's considered that i have kiddos to chase around. i do want the kink, the pain, but realistically, i don't see our schedule truly accommodating a good solid hour of time just for kink, so why bother? So i just stew about it silently, no outward sign that i'm loosing my footing because i haven't been hurt. i just grin and bear it because life isn't fucking fair, and i suck at admitting that my needs are unmet. Doesn't matter what kind of need it is, but if it's mine, i'll suck it up and swallow it until i break down...

So here, i am, crying and screaming here on this blog that things aren't perfect and wonderful because we have kids, who are amazing, but we haven't found our balance with two yet. We will, i know we will...because honestly, Master-Reaper and i have been through tougher shit than this. But in the interim...well...it just sucks.

And now, i'll go back to suffering in silence, missing the depths of our depravity until we find more time to venture from the shallow end of the pool.

Meadering musing... (A completely disorganized ramble)

It's amazing how much can change in such a little time.

Of course, most of the changes here come down to one once-little miracle. It seems that we've always been a family of four. But the lack of hard-core S&M missing is keenly felt. So is the lack of sex. Oh, sure, we've carved out a few moments for ourselves, though it seems the entire galaxy must be precisely aligned for such an event.

i'm extraordinarily grateful for Master-Reaper; for his support, kindness and patience as we are forcibly shifted back to more of a service-style D/s relationship. i'm also incredibly impatient for the day that we can start stealing more of the awesome hardcore S&M moments and cram those back into an admittedly busy schedule.

As more time passes, i'm beginning to really feel healed...throughout the healing process from our littlest kidlet, i felt enormously better than i felt during the first recovery process. No wonder the stories of c-sections are as varied as the stories of natural birth! We're still a good two to four months away from adding extra heavy impact play back into our options, due to the fragility of scar tissue, but if we have the time, opportunity and energy, there isn't much else we can't do.

Thank goodness for that.

In the meantime, i'll serve Master-Reaper in any little way i can...do my best to be domestic.

And look forward to those rare moments when the universe lines up to give us a shot at some play!

Meme about Reaper

my friend padme completed this meme and i thought it would be fun... 

At least it gave me something to do this afternoon...

We'll see what Master-Reaper has to say about it later, eh?

1. He's sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?

Most likely a video game... Though we don't have TV (no digital box, cable or satellite , he does have a few favorite shows: Doctor Who, Psych, Burn Notice, and Castle, so that's not outside the realm of possibility. 

2. You're out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad?

Some kind of vinaigrette, most likely. 

3. The most striking thing about his physical appearance?

Personally, i think it's his eyes. They're a very unusual hazel and look quite predatory. 

4. You go out to eat and have a drink; what does he order to drink?

Coke or pepsi, usually.

5. Where did he go to high school?

The bulk of it was at a private school.

6. What size shoe does he wear?

Size 12 or 13, depending on the shoe.

7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be?

Anything he loves. Seriously, Master-Reaper has a bit of a compulsion to hoard things. His collection of kinky gear is a good indication. You know those massive whole wall entertainment centers? His gear overflows it. And we won't mention the 3 sets of drawing pencils.

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?

If it has meat in it, he'll eat it.

9. What would he eat every day if he could?

Breads. >.< i'm trying to trim the gluten in our diet down again, and we have been eating a lot of bread.

10. What is his favorite cereal?

Captain Crunch with the berries...sometimes Raisin Bran. But he rarely eats cereal anymore. 

11. What would he never wear?

Pretty sure crossdressing is on his list of hard limits. 

12. What is his favorite sports team?

i'm not sure he has one; when we do watch any kind of sport, it's usually martial arts & mixed martial arts. 

13.Who did he vote for?

Complicated. He likes guns. He believes everyone should pay a fair share of taxes. He doesn't like big government. He believes in individual rights. Doesn't really fit any one party, does he?

14. Who is his best friend?

Mostly me, i think; though one friend, E, has remained since high school. (i've known Reaper longer!)

15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't do?

The one habit he couldn't stand was my smoking; though i've been able to quit, i think i'll crave it for the rest of my life. Also, my brain short circuits about where i picked something up from and so i often put it back in a different spot. This also drives him nuts. 

16. What is his heritage?

Invader and invaded. <snicker>

17. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind?

If it is homemade, probably some kind of chocolate. Maybe could get away with caramel. But, his favorite? An oreo-blizzard ice-cream cake.

18. Did he play sports in high school?

No?

19. What could he spend hours doing?

Drawing. Writing. Being cruel to me. <WEG>

 

20. What is one unique talent he has?

He's a modern Renascence man. He's quite talented in many different ways... His tongue is also freakishly long. 

Time flies...

So we fail at blogging for March.

But then, there's been this interesting thought surfing the kink blogs lately (over at Kaya's blog, Morningstar's too and probably a few others) about how relationships change and simmer down to become something greater... And that's beautiful.

Right now, we aren't boiling. Reaper and i, this month, will have been "together," as they say, for 15 years. We compliment each other's strengths, we are each other's solidity. We know each other (likely He knows me better than i know Him, because that's just His way). Despite those years, though, and seven years of newlywed kinksters continual indulgence of playing whenever the mood struck, we still crave the heat. We aren't done with our intense scenes. We aren't. i look into Master-Reaper's eyes and see the desire burning away, barely held in check by everything else that life is composed of. i feel it burning in my own heart. And every moment that we can steal away from everything else, where we can indulge the Sadist and His masochist, we will...even knowing that it only fans the flames. We'll be ready for the heat when we get back to boiling. We'll welcome it.

We just keep shifting between "low" and "high" temperature burners. Our little miracles are bringing beautiful, challenging chaos into our lives. And we may look fairly average, but that doesn't mean i don't love the thrill of fear from the sound of the tazer that i can't see clutched in His hand. Mistaking Master-Reaper for average? Not sure how they do -- that predatory gaze is always such an undercurrent in His eyes.

March Q&A

Oooh, it's March! Where does the time go?
In past years during March, as many other bloggers do, Master-Reaper and i have answered questions...
So. Have questions? Ask. We'll answer.
Maybe you'll get Master-Reaper blogging again. ;)

You can ask questions either by commenting on any post we make this month, or by shooting an email to junderb AT gmail DOT com. Feel free to specify who you want to answer your question. Could be one or both of us.

Randomness

 We're starting to get in the swing of things around here... Most of the time.
There's still some healing i have to do yet, but hopefully Master and i can find some ways to connect while one kidlet (the big one) is elsewhere, being spoiled by family.

In the meantime, in lieu of kinky stories, since there aren't any (new ones...yet), i snagged this meme from my friend padme's blog (Journey to the Darkside)... Enjoy the random!


1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
Closed! i hate open doors!

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
Usually. Seems like a waste for them to throw it away since i opened it.  

 3. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
i save coupons and then often forget that i cut them out...until they expired.  

4. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
i think a bear. i am sure i can still climb a tree. But there's no outrunning bees/wasps (shudder). 

5. Do you always smile for pictures?
No, not always. (see FetLife for examples! LOL)

6. What is your biggest pet peeve?
Tardiness. i hate being late. i also hate waiting for people to arrive on time. 

7. What size is your bed?
Master's bed is a king size! We had a full/short queen for most of our relationship, and it was just really very cramped. Having a king feels so wonderful. Bonus? It squeaks less than the queen. 

8. What’s your least favorite movie?
i don't really have a least favorite, but typically movies about war are just very hard for me to watch. (ie "Blackhawk Down," or "Saving Private Ryan.")

9. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
Honey mustard or ranch.

10. What is your favorite food?
Food. Seriously. If you tell me it's edible, i'll usually try it at least once. That being said, i have a horrible sweet tooth, and if you tell me it's desert...well...there's no accounting for how it disappeared. 

11. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
Star  Wars is one set, Lord of the Rings another, but currently, Master and i are in love with "Skyfall," so we have watched it every night since we got the DVD.

12. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
Nope...

13. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
It would depend on a lot of factors. What Master says, which magazine, etc...

14. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
Around November, i think... 

15. Favorite kind of sandwich?
When i break my gluten rules, it's usually for a peanut butter sandwich of some variety. (Jelly, honey, butter or honey-butter are all acceptable variants.)

16. Best thing to eat for breakfast?
<snerk> Food. i love all things breakfast. But oatmeal is one of my top favorites. 

17. What is your usual bedtime?
Whenever i can get there. LOL. i like to sleep earlier than Master does, but most of the time, i cannot fall asleep without Him.

18. Are you lazy?
i don't think i'm truly "lazy." i procrastinate, but i try very hard to accomplish *something* every day.

19. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
Not that i picked out. 

20. Do you sing in the car?
Sometimes. It usually helps me not think about how far we're driving.

21. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
Usually Wal-Mart, because it's closest. However, i do have the option of Target now, which is very nice. :D

22. What’s your favorite color?
Purple.

23. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
Funny story, Master doesn't like flat-sheets and doesn't want them on the bed. So...it's almost like camping.  Almost.

24. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
No.

25. Do you like to use post-it notes?
Yes. i like to write on them, leave them in weird places... i also like to fold them and make little airplanes out of them. i'm weird. 

Moving along...

It's been four weeks since i last posted. Unbelievable.

All is fantastically well. Some of the usual newborn ticks, of course, but our little lady is indeed, perfect, and does have Master wrapped around her fingers. We adjusted quite well to our new family number of four.

Yesterday, Master and i were even able to steal a few moments for ourselves. Amazingly, our boy conked out for an afternoon nap while watching one of his movies, and the little lady was packing in her beauty sleep... And Master took hold of me, hands pressing on my neck, cutting my air, manipulating me. While i still have a lot of healing to do, there's nothing keeping me from rocking my torso, and before long, i had my mouth on Master - my hands on the floor and his hands on my head...

Something we both needed.

And soon, my collar can go back on! *happy dance*