Unusual moments...

Who doesn't love sex in the morning?

Master and i have a very sexually charged relationship. It's not all about sex, of course, but there is an underlying current composed of "I-wish-we-could-ignore-the-world-and-the-
things-we-have-to-do-so-that-we-could-just-screw-like-bunnies-
right-now" in the back of our minds most of the time. Even beneath my submission, when He asks me to do something very unrelated to the desire to screw like bunnies, there is that sexual charge.

i never have been much of an early riser, and i hate waking up. So does my Master. Unfortunately, the way the world turns, one of us would have to get out of bed eventually, and "eventually" usually means, just barely in time to be on time. It's not that we go to bed at a particularly late hour... In fact, i think our reluctance to wake just because both of us adore sleep, and our reluctance to get out of bed has a great deal to do with that thought brewing in the back of our minds.

Every now and then, however, Master will sometimes awaken me with evilly cruel brushes of His fingertips on just the right spots, or bite down on the back of my neck...Even rarer are the days when i am awake before He is, and choose to get Master's...um...attention. (i rarely initiate. it makes me feel uncomfortable, because i feel that i'm seeking His attention because i want it, not because it is something He would enjoy.)

Every time i do this, i forget how intensely Dominant He becomes. We may not spend as much time in the morning offering our affection for each other or twisting a scene into these stolen moments, but in the way He uses me in the mornings, the truths He tells me to say...in all of it i am reminded just how much i belong to Him and how Dominant He is. It sets the tone for the day, though with our now very-hectic schedules moments to enter a full fledged scene are rare.

We had such a day the other day...that is, the sort of day when i was awake before He was, when i was brave enough to cause His eyelids to flutter open before the wretched sound of the alarm.

And though He becomes intensely Dominant, perhaps more cruel and sharper in His demands of me (all of which leads to one happy girl, by the way), it is a relief to me to see the day's anticipated tensions fall away from His shoulders and a relief to see that the way he carries Himself throughout the day was affected by such a simple thing. All it takes is a willing girl waking Him in one of the gentlest manners for a favored activity. Regardless of what she might think.

Defining...terms

There are a lot of differing definitions in the world of BDSM. i have seen many people argue, debate or kindly disagree on the meanings of submissive and slave, subspace versus flying, Dominant and Master... At some point, i believe, each person needs to decide what their own definitions are, because really these relationships are a deeply personal thing...

While i truly believe that it is very important for each person to come to their own decisions about what a word means in their relationship(s), i thought i'd throw my two cents out there as far as how i define what i am, what Master and i do and how that leads me to feel about it all... Because i am not any sort of switch and have no desire to, i am going to leave out definitions of the Dominant - i simply have no base for reference, and i cannot define my Master. (grin)

The obvious, of course is submissive and slave. Personally, i'm still a little iffy on these definitions. For me, it now comes down to the fact that i belong to Master. i identify as a willful submissive - i'm bratty, yes, but i also do find satisfaction in pleasing Master, even in the simple act of opening a soda for Him, as He would do for Himself. However, because i have accepted His ownership, i am His slave. No longer am i simply the bottom to His Domly-self, but i have tried to give more of myself, to quietly accept His ownership and all that comes with it, be less the willful and bratty submissive that dwells in my heart. Sometimes i fail miserably at that, but i do try. The key difference here for me, is i may be able to submit to another, but i don't believe i could accept any other ownership other than my Master's. i have done a lot of soul searching about this, and i'm pretty sure that Master will be the only one i will ever call "Master" and mean it.

i have heard a lot of submissive folk refer to subspace as the place they drift off to in scene and post scene. That lovely place where endorphins carry on, lending bliss and sometimes memory loss to our recollection. i have never referred to those lovely feelings as subspace - it's what i call flying, because in those moments i am freed from all of the mundane worries, thoughts and feelings and let myself drift away, away and away in the sensations created by the scene. In these moments, words don't form on my lips, just a satisfied hum that lets Master know i heard. While i am floating out there, i feel freed from my body, floating on air, unfettered by matter though still able to feel the remnant sensations of the bondage, the pain and what-have-you.

My version of subspace is the part of me that is willing to submit, serve and please. It's the part of my brain where everything becomes erotic - once i am in subspace i am further from the normal limitations i experience, and free to enjoy everything around me. Master asked me which comes first, arousal or subspace, and for me, they are linked...one opens the door to the other, either way. If i read something that is arousing, i also find subspace, if i find pleasure in serving, i become aroused...

So that's a start. A tiny glimpse into the way i view the terms that define who i am and where i might go...

Why i am His...part two

Master has always been there for me in my life, in one form or another. We met a long time ago (i'm under 30, and so if i say a "long time ago" i mean, more than 15 years ago) and He has always held a place in my heart as a friend. Being constantly aware that i am extremely lucky to have someone who knows me so well be my Dominant has boosted my ability to relinquish control.

Belonging to Master, i don't flinch when He calls me "whore," "slut" or anything that some might consider degrading, but i do blush. When someone outside of the relationship has called me such, i just raise my eyebrows. i know i haven't become desensitized to the words, because when He says them, they still have a huge impact on me, but in other mouths, they have become meaningless. Because i know that Master knows me better than i know myself, not only do those terms humiliate me, but they also, beneath the actual syllables, remind me of how much He loves me. As i said, He knows me better than i know myself, and in that, i find comfort and solace.

The relationship that we have together is a truly amazing dynamic, sometimes i amuse Him, others displease Him but i am always loved and treasured. Sometimes, i don't feel the love as much as the displeasure as i am extremely sensitive to His general mood, but deep in my heart, i cannot doubt that this Man, who i have known for more than half of my life, and belonged to for over a third of it, will always do His best to help me grow and love me.

i am aware of my flaws, and am sometimes ashamed of them. Master doesn't let me wallow in those feelings. "Who do you belong to, bitch?" He'll ask me. "If I didn't think you were worth anything, would you belong to Me?"

And in those moments, while i'm blushing, humiliated and trying to climb out of the pit of self-abuse, i know that Master is always working to build me up, to help me overcome the things about myself that aren't my best qualities. He tears me down so that i can feel His love, and builds me back up to fly through that love as a stronger person, better submissive and happier slave.

Because my Master knows me so well, i am worthless and yet treasured beyond the highest value. Because He cares about how i see myself, He shows me who i am to Him.

And that is also part of why i am His.

Submitting or Force?

Master struggles with me, somewhat, because in a lot of cases, despite my wanting to be good and pleasing, He often has to resort to force. His force of will, His physical force, when really, i should be (and want to be), pliable in His hands.

i love games like "chase" when i fight tooth and nail only to wind up exactly where He intended me to be. But subspace for me becomes deeper, warmer and more satisfying when i help Him by being where He intended me to be or doing what He intended for me to do. So why, when these are the things i crave, do i so often pick and nag at Him until He growls in frustration and reminds me that i do have safe words that i can use, but otherwise, He's going to stop listening?

i love rope bondage, yet every time He asks me to bring Him rope, i offer an audible sigh akin to frustration? i adore being drawn down into subspace and falling into the pain He gives me, yet i wriggle, make faces and complain when the evil white spoon is brought out. i adore the moments He cuddles me, but when He offers to let me lay in His lap i become a grumbling girl.

Why?

Is it that i have expectations of the moments we have to steal together? After nearly ten years shouldn't His pet know that her expectations are second to His?

Yes and a resounding Yes.

This is something i still need to work on - first of all, i don't verbalize my own wants, wishes and expectations often, so how can He know? Secondly, in all other things He comes first, yet in those stolen moments, i need to re-prioritize and remember that if He has plans, i need to accept them.

After all, i trust Him more than i trust myself, and i know that if i lay down those gripes, the bad habit of attempting to top from the bottom (which is really ironic, because i loathe being in charge, i feel awkward, out of place and miserable when i have taken the lead) and trust in His plans the places we go together become a wonderful, fulfilling experience for both of us.

In the long run, Master is the one in charge of the helm and navigation - i am simply looking out for rocks in the path - and He knows best where He would like to go.