Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Submitting or Force?

Master struggles with me, somewhat, because in a lot of cases, despite my wanting to be good and pleasing, He often has to resort to force. His force of will, His physical force, when really, i should be (and want to be), pliable in His hands.

i love games like "chase" when i fight tooth and nail only to wind up exactly where He intended me to be. But subspace for me becomes deeper, warmer and more satisfying when i help Him by being where He intended me to be or doing what He intended for me to do. So why, when these are the things i crave, do i so often pick and nag at Him until He growls in frustration and reminds me that i do have safe words that i can use, but otherwise, He's going to stop listening?

i love rope bondage, yet every time He asks me to bring Him rope, i offer an audible sigh akin to frustration? i adore being drawn down into subspace and falling into the pain He gives me, yet i wriggle, make faces and complain when the evil white spoon is brought out. i adore the moments He cuddles me, but when He offers to let me lay in His lap i become a grumbling girl.


Is it that i have expectations of the moments we have to steal together? After nearly ten years shouldn't His pet know that her expectations are second to His?

Yes and a resounding Yes.

This is something i still need to work on - first of all, i don't verbalize my own wants, wishes and expectations often, so how can He know? Secondly, in all other things He comes first, yet in those stolen moments, i need to re-prioritize and remember that if He has plans, i need to accept them.

After all, i trust Him more than i trust myself, and i know that if i lay down those gripes, the bad habit of attempting to top from the bottom (which is really ironic, because i loathe being in charge, i feel awkward, out of place and miserable when i have taken the lead) and trust in His plans the places we go together become a wonderful, fulfilling experience for both of us.

In the long run, Master is the one in charge of the helm and navigation - i am simply looking out for rocks in the path - and He knows best where He would like to go.

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