Hard Work

It is said that birth order has a lot to do with our emerging personalities as we get older. Only children are more assertive and yet more withdrawn from social interactions than the “babies” of the family. Middle children are laid back and go with the flow, but the child who has younger siblings is often bossy and directive.

i wanted to go into all of that because my submission doesn't come very naturally for me – i am the older sibling in my family. While i'd rather that someone else take the lead, mostly i want them to lead in the direction i want to go. All of this sometimes makes it very difficult for me to submit. i have an idea of where i want to go, and while Master encourages me to communicate these thoughts and desires with Him, it's His decision, His will, that guides us through the journey we are taking together.

Master, incidentally, is an only child. He is assertive, knows what He wants and has few qualms about the how of indulging His cravings. He is very naturally dominant – but He does tend to withdraw Himself from social interactions that are not happening on His terms. Usually meaning, the bossy, directive girl has made her presence known.

It's a reoccurring lesson in our household. Master's wants, not mine. Master's desires, not mine. His slave is just His property, an object.

People in 24/7 Total Power Exchanges (TPE's) often mention “brainwashing”, but i've found that to be a misnomer. The dominant partner in TPE's is actually in a sense, re-sculpting what already exists. i don't believe the essence of the submissive/slave is washed away in these relationships, but built up and shaped to suit the dominant partner. And that's not, in my opinion, “brainwashing”.

i've not thought that Master was “brainwashing” me, but after the mini-scene we had last night, i do see that i am being changed, subtly, to accept Master's will without thinking of what i want.

Laying there, bound and hearing Master talk to me as an undercurrent of the pain He was inflicting, i realized that i have fought Him at every turn as He put a rule in place (even if i suggested the rule), until i come to the point where i realize that His will is stronger than my own, and i want to be an obedient slave He is proud to own. Trying to answer His questions while my brain was busy processing the pain, my thoughts were running in circles around the fact that i need someone to create structure for me.

In the years we have been together, He has worked with me, He has created the structure that i need to function without floundering. He has changed me from a sometimes masochist to a pain slut, from a girl who was timid in bed to a writhing whore and is changing me from an opinionated and bossy brat (not attractive qualities, are they?) to an intelligent, thinking and willing slave. He has invested His time, His masterly energies and His sadistic tendencies to build me into something more than i was.

i'm not perfect. i'm disobedient, willful and opinionated. But He knows these things. And more and more, He refuses to give in to my whimpering and whining. More and more, He is working the willful and stubborn streak out of me. He is continuing to sculpt me into the slave He desires.

i'm happiest as a submissive – and more so as His slave. While blind obedience does not come naturally, i feel grounded and centered when i am pleasing to Him. The world scares me less now that i identify as His property than it did when i was the eldest child being bossy and directive. Now that i work to follow Him as He wishes, i feel more confident in my skin. i know that there is still a lot of work that needs doing – but i trust that Master will do what it takes to bring me to a place where i cease to question His will, where i can remember it's never about what i want, but what He thinks i need.