Down, right, left and sideways...

In November, December and the opening of January, it seems that everything in our life was any way but right-side up. Not only was our sex life on hold, but my ability to be submissive in many ways was hampered. It was, hellish. Master was on edge, i was on edge, and i didn't know how to make any of it better. It seemed that everything i did threw a wrench in moving towards a more positive head-space, and i was very, very down on myself and who i was.

While things haven't rotated back to upright, exactly, they are moving in that direction. My health is coming back on track, though not without side-effects. i'm finding my place again, seeking that ability to live without question, to strive to be pleasing, to simply submit and obey.

Mostly, i'm celebrating the sex. Though i'll admit that my Master's libido far outstrips my own, sex has become an integral part of my needs. It's not the orgasams ─ though i am always happy to be allowed them ─ it's the connection, it's everything He puts into sex. It's not "just" sex. (In fact, i think it might take a long period of abstenence for "just" sex to be interesting to me.) During sex, He feeds His sadism, wakes up my masochistic streak...

And it delights me, it fulfills me.

i love being reduced to nothing more than His little sex-object...

To feel Him steal my breath, give me pain, to fuck me until the only thing i can see are His eyes and starlight...

Ah, sex with Him is pain, bliss, agonizing delirium and pure extacy with a dash of humiliation.

Exactly what i crave, even when i might not realize it's what i need.

Ahh, if only neither of us needed sleep, i think we'd have lovely evenings... i can think of nothing better than spending the wee hours of the evening tangled in each other's limbs, rope and whatever other toys we might have pulled out to satisfy those darker desires that lay within our souls...

Sex slave...

Despite the complexities and utter enjoyment of bondage, imprisonment, involved torture scenes, protracted torments, role playing and the like; it is sometimes easy for me to forget simple pleasures of the basic reality of a sex slave. That is, for her to be available and ready for sex at any moment, any time of day or night. Take today for example...


Upon returning home from a normal cluster-fuck day at work I found my dutiful slave hard at work navigating the treacherous minefield of tax forms, sparring me from the tormenting crap like a good slave girl should;) I gave her a kiss on the neck, a pat on the head, and told her to follow me into the bedroom. With a quick order to strip and present her ass, she was naked and on all fours on the bed in an instant. My probing finger found her wet, warm, and inviting. So, without further adieu, I sank my hard cock deep into the cunt I own and proceeded to fuck three or four screaming, panting, moaning and groaning orgasms out of my little slave before cumming all over her up turned ass.


I think that it says a great deal about the time and training that has gone into a slave girl when she can go from attempting taxes to a panting slut in the space of a single command. Indeed for any woman to be ready, willing, wet, and horny at a moment's notice, eager to be used for her Master's pleasure is, in my mind, something of a pinnacle event and a primary goal of the mental and sexual conditioning of any sex slave. Needless to say, I am very proud of my sex slave...

Frustration

Often, Master talks with me about how much our M/s relationship means to Him. It is at His onyx core ─ He is a dominant, a natural leader and very much likes things to go His way ─ and it's not something that He can set aside. He's not unkind or bossy, but when a situation is not under His control, His stress levels spike.

Sometimes in those moments when His dominant needs are not being met, He is unsure about my own stand on our M/s relationship, about how important my role is to me. But it is there, at my core, a smoky quartz encasing my self-identity. There is a need in me to allow Him to lead, to give Him everything, to sit quietly and wait for the moment i am needed. When i don't feel that Master has the situation in hand, i panic, i stress and i fret, scrabbling at the loose ends of the situation, trying to grasp at threads...Not so i may gain control of the situation, but so that i may give that back to Him.

At my core, while i am an opinionated girl, i don't want the control, i don't want to be the boss. i need Him to be our leader, to give in and trust Him, to follow and want Him to satisfy His kinks (which are also mostly mine, by good fortune). That core of my identity is important to me, and this recent trouble, well, it has caused enough frustration for Him and for me... It feels like half of our identities have been stripped away because all we can have is a bit of protocol and service...

Hopefully an answer is around the corner, so we can get back on track, so that He can fulfill His core (and mine), and we can put an end to the frustration...

i'd love to settle in for a few stolen moments of blissful pain and a nice fuck.

(sigh)

Yikes!

i know, i know, we've been awfully quiet of late.

While the Master and slave relationship is something always present in our lives, play, lately has not. Though, in the absence of play, i've been working on improving my oral skills, so Master hasn't been completely neglected.

In the past, often our play was hindered (not stopped completely, mind you) by some joint injuries i have acquired over the years. Master often teases me about them, calling me "old before my time", which is somewhat true ─ er, a lot true. When i was much younger, i had a knack for falling down stairs, getting tangled up in the net when i played volleyball and, in general, being a klutz. The end result is my left side has some limitations... Inflexibility in my shoulder, some random damage to my inner-ear that causes headaches, an easily strained tendon in my ankle that does not respond well to pressure and (gasp) a knee that gives out when i am kneeling. (i know, i know, a slave who can't kneel? That's horrible!)

In those moments, we lamented the hindrances, but were grateful that we both had our generally good health...

Now, i just want my health back. i'm not going to go into detail, as i have yet to see a doctor about it, for a few reasons ─ being, (namely) i'm afraid of doctors, i prefer alternative healing, i'm afraid of doctors (oh, wait, i said that already! oops) and alternitive health care. But, as time has not seen fit to bring a resolution nor has alternative healing, i think i am doomed to visit a doctor.

i will do my best to not be completely absent from Roles Defining Rules, but, my posts may seem melancholy. Now you can't say i didn't warn you!