Friday, July 3, 2015

Active Participant (part 2)

In part 1, I wrote about how I had stopped being an active participant in our Owner/property relationship.

Personal responsibility is something I believe in. Seriously: as a free agent (hah) I think making your decisions that manage your life, your well-being are the most important things you can do. People who own their decisions are my heroes. They don't have to always be right, and saying “I fucked up making that decision; I should have done the other thing instead” is praiseworthy.

In my blog entry titled “A new light,” which I posted in June, I mentioned that there were revelations over the last weekend in June that showed me why so much of our little world was not as right as it could be.

Master and I don’t get tons of time to connect. We’re attached parents and the number of people we trust with our little people is tiny, and they are equally busy. Master works, he has friends that sometimes he needs to spend a whole day with. And he doesn’t have the time to fix a broken thing that doesn't look broken. Everything that was wrong was wrong on the inside…hidden. Hidden inside passive participation.

He didn’t know because I didn’t say. I’d practiced passiveness to the extreme, and then was eating the personal responsibility I was not accepting (which is not a sufficient mental wellness food). I was also eating responsibility for things that weren’t my fault (which might as well be classified as a mental wellness poison).

So why wasn’t it as right as we could make it? Because passivity is death for me. I had refused to take my personal responsibility seriously by thinking that being a passive object was good enough.

If I flounder, mentally, physically, it is up to me to tell Master that I need help, before it starts feeding internalized negativity. I need to watch how I’m submitting to Master's wills, wants, and how we’re making use of our limited adult time. My submission can’t be passive. I can’t be passive. It’s why I love physical restraint in play – because restraints are something to fight against without fighting Master. I can take what Master dishes out to me – and I need it – but I can’t be passive. I have to be functional property; not a paperweight.

So, how do I take responsibility for that? How do I work to make sure that the tearing me down is also building me up?

Step one: Step up during playtime. Be active, let my masochist have fun with her pain, rather than cramming all of myself into a stillness that Master isn't forcing. Wiggle. Squirm. Laugh. Scream where appropriate. Gasp when I can't scream.

Step two: Write erotica more often. Let my imagination give forth new ideas, or make memories more vivid.

Step three: If Master asks how I'd like to play I should have some kind of answer. Not necessarily "I want this toy and that toy. Oh, and the other thing." But feeling words, like "I feel kind of animalistic" or words like, masochistic, sensual, and wild...

Step four: Realize that sometimes I am going to have to ask for validation when I need it. Master knows me well and usually gives me validation before I know I need it, but sometimes I might need a little extra. This is an important part of my self-care and self-responsibility.

Step five: Be willing to embrace the parts of my property-ness that aren't all about the fun stuff, because that enforces the whole of it, feeds the value, gives purpose to the roles and rules that we have he has chosen.

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