blog entry. Though that was technically the conclusion, I do have some more thoughts -- continuing to expand on that idea. Those of us who are in any flavor of BDSM relationships come to them with the partners they do because of similar interests, similar kinks, a similar descriptor of fun. If we aren't having fun, then we start heading into those murky waters.
Murky waters can be great places to learn lessons from, but it's a shitty place to live. I didn't do well in those murky waters, and it was my own doing that landed me there. Master keeps asking something to the effect of "What could I have done differently to have prevented the bad feelings you were having about yourself?"
The answer is, nothing. He was feeding me the positive things I needed, but I just kept sweeping them under the rug, rather than appreciating that in my valueless place as his property, I am invaluable to him. He continued to remind me that he loved me and despite (brain malfunction) he's in this for the long haul, whatever it looks like. I was ignoring what we'd already established about why O/p and BDSM turn us on and focusing on (essentially) what FetLife's "K&P" presents as "real" BDSM. Oh, the idiocy! There is no one true way, as many kinky bloggers have already established. So the idea that being absolutely still, absolutely silent, (because that's what ALL good slaves do, doncha know?) while my Sadist goes about his business is what I needed to do was...not for me. But I was the one doing my best to put myself in that box.
See? I finally do. What I was doing in my passive participation (holding up an ideal that was completely not applicable to me) was taking away my fun, and more importantly his fun, because he never told me to be still and silent. He never told me to not be myself, the way he sees his property. He never told me I couldn't reap something positive from the playtime we have. In that passive state I was undoing all the work he'd done to make O/p work for us.
In these realizations and musings...In the little changes we've made in the last week...Though I am as tired as I was the week before Thunder happened...now I'm excited about the potentials for getting into a little kink. The things I'm responsible for are done, I'm not overwhelmed, I'm not going to cry because Master is having to do things that are supposed to be my job (because they are done! I am so pleased and excited about that! Thank you Scott & kaya for your ideas and sharing. Er...and thank Master, too, because that is silly to forget, considering he's the fire under my ass.) My outlook has shifted back to living in a state of functional, and I'm ready for more.