The Ethics of Kink...

No, I'm not going to be so presumptuous as to lecture on all aspects or the full range of ethics within the community. I did, however, want to discuss certain things that have come more and more to my attention.


In this lifestyle we live personas, versions of ourselves that are kinky, subby, domly, etc. Even if these things are at the very core of our being and we feel that what we are really doing is stripping away the layers upon layers of societal obligation to become our true selves, what manifests is still a persona. Is there anything wrong with that? No. Am I implying that this somehow implies that people are not living a real D/s relationship? Not in the least. 


What I am saying is simply this. Manifesting the persona of our true selves does not excuse us completely from the social obligation of politeness and manners. I think we all accept that being by nature a submissive does not entitle everyone around that person to then dominate them, right? So why then does it seem that a dominant nature somehow implies that everyone around that individual is therefore inferior by nature? I am Master and Owner to my girl, and at the moment she is the only one to whom I hold those titles. I try very hard not to allow that nature to spill over onto others, in scene or out. I know that sometimes it does, but almost never by intent.


It does not make me any less masterly, if indeed that term could be applied to me in the first place, to step out of the way of someone as they pass by, to open a door for someone if they have their hands full, or let someone go before me on the stairs. Even if that person is someone else's property and clearly lower in status in a hierarchical sense, it does not make me less of a dom to be polite.


Obviously I have a high regard for manners and politeness and I feel that these have suffered within our shared lifestyle. Specifically, as many, many things have, under the pressure to conform to D/s sub-culture stereotypes. 'Oh so-and-so is not a real slave, she has limits,' or 'he's not a real Master, he hasn't attained perfect zen like personal control.' Rubbish. It is paradoxical to assume a persona, even one exemplifying our inner selves, and on the one hand ignore certain social conventions in an attempt to free ourselves while on the other hand conforming to an entirely different, and equally restrictive set of social expectations. 


Be who and what you want to be. Be the type of slave/sub/sadomasochist or Master/dom/sadist you wish. The only definition that matters is your partner's and your own. And remember, just because you may be a very dominant sort doesn't mean that being so doesn't make you any less of a jackass when you are impolite.

Fantasy Weekend of Fun!

So last weekend was an event we were really looking forward to. Lots of kinky folks. Lots of fun. Two enormous play parties. Excellent presentations and presenters.

But i can't tell you any more than "We had a awesome time." Maybe i could tell you for lunch the first full day, we met up with two wonderful friends, and had dinner with one of our first kinky friends. Maybe i could mention that we learned a lot about ourselves, though i can't tell you how the insight came about. Maybe i could write about the fact that  Master and i played hard . . . if i didn't mention the event (and maybe i'll do that later).

Because the event requires that we don't write about it. In fact, i pulled down our posts about last year's event, because the seriousness with which they take this "don't write about it" is actually frightening. 

i kind of understand why. The privacy concerns associated with the event are of course, at the forefront of the organizers' minds. No one wants to be incidentally outed. But it makes me angry that i can't talk about what Master and i experienced, or how we played. The event was still awesome. And we'll go back every year they have it. Maybe, in time, we won't have to be afraid to share experiences like this. But today, it sucks.

Today, Master and i are lamenting the lack of air conditioning that we enjoyed all weekend. We're lamenting that the fantasy the event inspires has vanished, and real life awaits. We have, as good friends put it, "con-drop" because the convention is over. (sigh)

Hopefully we'll be able to squeeze in some awesome kinky fun at home to share with you. After all, all these bruises on me are good "starting" points for new play. (grin)

Day Eleven of Thirty...

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

In answering this question, I clicked on the link and was taken to Rayne's post on Eden Cafe. It helped to clarify exactly what this question entails. I'd recommend checking it out.

The ethics of kink, in my mind, are largely tied into two principles; consent and acceptance.

The basic principle that separates kinky relationships from the inhuman acts of despotic leaders and the vilified kinksters in popular media is consent. For instance, the American government was, and may still be, in hot water with human rights groups over the treatment of prisoners, specifically waterboarding. Well, I waterboard jenpet; I love it, she loves it. The act is the same, the intent is even the same, torture. The only difference is that when I do it to her, it is a consensual act between two consenting adults. Amnesty International need not involve themselves.

The other side of that coin, because I view them to be tied together, is acceptance. This has as much to do with the community at large as it does the individual relationship. We are all looking for some level of acceptance. Finding a partner that accepts your interests, you kinks is the bane of many vanilla based relationships. Within the community, and FetLife is an excellent example, we list our kinks, our wants, our experiences. We look for recognition and acceptance through comments, friend requests, wall to wall messages, etc. Along with acceptance, or more appropriately from acceptance, we look for those who share our interests and come together in groups on the subject were we comment, debate, etc.

That said, I'm going to focus on my views of the ethics regarding individual relationships.